ED TV
by
Lowell Ganz & Babaloo Mandel
Sixth Rewrite
July 16,1997
This is the first eRelease for the script of the movie "Ed TV"
This script was scanned, proof read and formatted by Ueli Riegg
eMail: ueli.riegg@gmx.ch; URL: http://studiour.tsx.org
1 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
The following is shot DOCUMENTARY-STYLE.
A GIRLS VOLLEYBALL GAME has just ended. It was a big game. Some kind of
championship.
ONE TEAM is CELEBRATING -- jumping up and down, squealing and
hugging each other. We are focused on the bench of the TEAM TRAT
LOST. They're very sad -- several are crying.
One girl, in particular, (AMY) is really sobbing. She's sweat-
stained, tired and just blubbering. Stuff's coming out of her eyes,
her nose, her mouth and the camera is seeing it all.
The COACH, a fortyish man looks at all the weeping girls -- Amy in
particular.
COACH
You quit! You gave up!
He KICKS a CHAIR.
Now Amy is really a mess. She's crying, coughing, shaking.
COACH (CONT'D)
(right in Amy's face)
You quit!!
The Coach storms off.
COACH (CONT'D)
Qutters! ... Quitters!
Amy is wailing and choking on her own tears.
This IMAGE FREEZES.
TERRY (V.O.)
And that would be it. I don't
think you need any narration at
all. Just end it right there.
REVEAL
2 INT. OFFICE - DAY
BEGIN CREDITS
We're in New York City. We're in the conference room of a modestly
successful cable TV station called "Real TV." The people are
young, energetic, clever. It's crowded, noisy -the furniture is
beaten up, bulletin boards cover the walls, with large index cards
all over them.
This room is not for show -- work gets done here.
SEVEN OR EIGHT PEOPLE are present. One of them is CYNTHIA REED.
She's the boss.
TERRY
(to Cynthia)
What do you think?
CYNTHIA
It's horrible, it's depressing, I
love it. What else?
ALICE
I want to re-pitch that pregnancy
idea. Find six women early in their
pregnancies and follow them all right
through to the births.
KEITH
(negative)
Yeah, when all that stuff comes
out.
Mixed reactions, mostly negative.
CYNTHIA
I have an idea.
IMMEDIATE ATTENTION
CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
This is something I've been thinking
about for a long time. We're "Real
TV" right? I mean that's the name
of the station.
AGREEMENT
CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
So let's go real. We find someone.
Just a regular person, someone. And
we put their life on television -
live... all day long.
Silence. No movement at all.
CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
Calm down.
KEITH
What do you mean, like PBS did in
the seventies? What was that
family?
GREG
The Louds.
KEITH
Yeah.
CYNTHIA
No. We go way beyond that. We
don't film it and edit it and put
it on later. We go on the air
live every morning and the show
goes off each night, when our
subject goes to bed. In between,
we're on live all day, every day -
the same person, -- for
(shrugs)
let's say a month.
No one is wild for this. Some hate it -- some are unconvinced.
FELICIA
That's not a show that's a
surveillance camera.
GREG
You can't do that.
CYNTHIA
The hell we can't. Look, the
beauty of being a cable
channel is we can take chances. I've
thought about this and I'm
telling you, I think this can
make a noise. A loud one. There
are twelve thousand channels.
You've got to do something that
says "Look at me!" Hell, people
look at fish tanks all day. This
is people!
(more firmly)
Someone's real life -- an TV, all day
long - live... And, you know what?
I'm doing it.
Pause. The others know the argument is over.
GREG
In that case, we love it.
END CREDITS
3 EXT. POOL HALL - DAY
A BUS passes. On the bus is an ad. It says, "Would you
like to star in your own TV show? Call Real TV (and a
phone number) Coming (and a date)."
4 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT - PARAMUS NEW JERSEY
This is a nice upscale pool hall. A party is in progress in a
special private area -- a room upstairs let's say -- a loft.
Thirty or forty PEOPLE in their twenties and thirties are
informally celebrating the engagement of two of their friends.
It's NOISY, it's fun, it's informal. It's not a high-end group.
By that we mean, not, for the most part young lawyers or
stockbrokers. They're mostly blue-collar. Community college
graduates.
WE OPEN ON ED PEKURNY. He's an attractive man, about thirty.
There's still something a little juvenile about him -- not
stupid, just boyish.
SOMEONE is VIDEOTAPING HIM for one of those congratulation
montage things that are done at parties these days. Ed is good
at this. He's not professional but he's a loosey-goosey guy
who's kind of good on camera.
ED
I want to congratulate
Kevin and Tracy on their engagement.
I knew you guys were meant for each
other from the moment Tracy told us
she was pregnant.
TRACY
You asshole!
Everyone else is cracking up.
ED
(innocently)
What? What did I say?
TRACY
My mother's going to see this!
5 INT. PARTY - LATER
Other people are being "interviewed" on tape. Ed is SHOOTING POOL
with his buddy, JOHN. John's had a couple of drinks. He's a little
melancholy.
He is looking across the room, thoughtfully.
ED
What?
JOHN
Look at this -- people are
getting married, they're
getting married...
ED
You said that.
JOHN
We're falling behind.
Ed waves dismissively.
JOHN (CONT'D)
You know who we are?
ED
Tell me.
JOHN
We're the guys who clean up after
the parade.
ED
I'm gonna stick this right in your
eye.
JOHN
I was at this comedy club last week
and this comedian says "If you're over
thirty and your job requires you to
wear a name tag, you screwed up your
life." And I'm laughing and then I
realize I wear a nametag.
ED
So do I. So what? I'm doing all right.
JOHN
Your brother's here.
ANGLE ON THE DOOR
Ed's brother RAY and Ray's girlfriend SHARI arrive at the party.
Shari is pretty in an unglamorous kind of way. They both wave and
then Shari goes off to talk to some of the LADIES and Ray joins Ed
and John.
RAY
What's up?
ED
Where were you?
RAY
(reluctantly)
I was... having dinner with Shari
and her parents.
JOHN/ED
(taunting)
Oooh!
RAY
I'm telling you, it's
closing in on me. All of a sudden
it's like a thing, it's a whole
thing.
ED
What do you mean all
of a sudden? You've been going with
her six months.
RAY
I know. I mean I'm sitting there
and her father's asking me about
my "career prospects" and I'm
playing "Risk," with her kid
brother, Leon and at dinner the
dog's sniffing at my balls -- at
least I hope it was the dog.
'Cause her mother disappeared for
a while.
They LAUGH.
6 INT. PARTY - LATER
It's getting wild. Some of the girls are dancing raucously.
ANGLE ON A TABLE (NOT A POOL TABLE, AN EATING-TABLE)
Ed, Ray, John, Shari and maybe another WOMAN.
Ray is holding a big tray of SHRIMP BALLS. During the
conversation, Ray throws them in the air and catches them in
his mouth like popcorn. Once, he even bounces one off the
wall into his mouth.
ED
You know, those are for everybody.
Ray waves dismissively, then gets an idea.
RAY
Oh!
(to Shari)
Show them that thing you can do.
(to the others)
This is great. I just found out
she can do this, her brother told me.
(to Shari)
Come on.
SHARI
(thinks it's stupid)
I don't -
RAY
Come on...
She hesitates, but she really doesn't mind. Slightly, amused she
takes her FIST and fits it completely INTO her MOUTH.
ED
Whoa!! Oh!
Ray is cracking up.
RAY
Is that unbelievable?
She removes her hand.
SHARI
And that concludes today's show.
(to Ray)
This is where you go around and
collect the money.
Ed LAUGHS. Ray gives her a KISS.
Shari's roommate RITA sits down.
RITA
Hi.
SHARI
You guys know my roommate, Rita.
They do, vaguely.
ED
What's going on over there?
RITA
Everybody's making
audition tapes for that Real TV
thing.
JOHN
Oh, that thing. Yeah. Did you hear
about this?
ED
(not sure)
Yeah, what - they put some schmuck
on TV all day long or something?
RAY
You know, that would be like a great
thing.
ED
What?
RAY
That! Being that guy.
Being the guy they watch.
ED
What are you drunk?
RAY
Yeah, but let's stay
on one subject. Whoever that person
is is going to be famous. They'll be
able to get whatever they want.
They'll ... trust me, this is my
business.
ED
What is?!
RAY
Show business.
ED
You're in show business?
RAY
Yeah. I service video equipment.
ED
That's like... those people
stitching Nikes in Panama saying
they're in the NBA.
RAY
(insulted)
I'm not stitching Nikes in
Panama! ... Bedwetter!
ED
Thumbsucker!
RAY
I'm making a tape.
ED
We're excited.
7 INT. BAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Ed and Shari, waiting for drink orders.
ED
So Ray met the family.
SHARI
Yeah...
ED
I hear the dog really liked him.
SHARI
Oh, the whole family loved him.
Of course, they loved the last
guy I went out with, and he strung
me along for three years and dumped
me.
ED
Really? You see, to me, you shouldn't
have any trouble with men. There
should be, like, a line behind you.
She takes Ed's beer.
SHARI
You shouldn't drink.
They LAUGH.
8 INT. TABLE - A LITTLE LATER
Ed and Shari ARM-WRESTLING. After a struggle, Ed wins. Ed is
impressed.
ED
Jesus!
Shari wrings out her arm and picks up her beer.
SHARI
(continuing a previous
conversation)
And, you know, every guy I ever
broke up with, the minute it was
over, I could tell you what went
wrong, how it went wrong, why it
had to go wrong... but when I'm
in it... lost. I'm like a love
coroner. Bring me the corpse,
I'11 tell you what killed it.
But how to prevent it? Lost.
Ed LAUGHS.
ED
Ray's on.
They walk over.
ANGLE ON RAY
RAY
(to camera)
Hi. I'm Ray Pekurney. I'm from
Paramus, New Jersey...
9 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - DAY
She's watching Ray's tape. Ray thinks he's funnier and
cuter than he is.
RAY (ON TAPE)
All my friends tell me "Ray, you've
got too much personality for one guy."
It's like at a party -- I'm at the
center of the attention. Everybody
loves me.
He gets hit in the face by a hors d'oeuvre.
RAY (CONT'D)
Ha, ha, ha. I'll kick your ass.
No really, let me show you my
girlfriend. She's really cute.
He reaches out and grabs Shari's wrist. Shari is struggling
to stay out of frame. We just see her arm and Ray pulling on
it. Ray lets go.
RAY (CONT'D)
She's strong, 'cause she's a Fedex
girl. She lifts those
packages. But she's not dikey at
all, she's really pretty.
CYNTHIA FAST-FORWARDS
WE SEE the camera shooting an empty space.
Then Ed's head appears sideways right in front of the CAMERA.
ED
Hello I'm Ed.
He starts to sniff.
ED (CONT'D)
What smells?
He steps back from the camera and straightens his head as
he SNIFFS. He's more relaxed than Ray.
ED (CONT'D)
What is that smell? Oop, I think
it's this idea. One person on TV all
day long?
(screams)
Are you nuts?
WE HEAR LAUGHS
The Real TV Staff are enjoying Ed's tape while they eat
lunch out of styrofoam containers.
ED (CONT'D)
Seriously, get your resumes in
order. When my brother Ray -
whose personality you were just
dazzled by -- told me he was
going to try out for this -- I
said, "why in the world would
anyone want to be on TV all day
long, no privacy, everybody
knowing your business, exposing
every single detail of your
life I mean... why would anyone
want to do that? But then I
thought of a reason...
(loudly)
Why the hell not?
He KISSES the LENS, smudging it.
Cynthia, watching, cracks up. The others seem to like him to.
10 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY
This is a video store in Paramus, New Jersey. It's busy.
PEOPLE are in line to check out tapes.
WE OPEN ON a WOMAN -- a mother -- who is rummaging through her
purse for her Blockbuster card. She looks up and sees that her
TWO CHILDREN have opened several boxes of candy from the candy
display and are eating from the boxes.
MOTHER
Oh for -- Put those -- Oh God...
She grabs the boxes from them. The boxes are ripped more than she
thought and candy goes flying all over. She bends to pick it up.
Ed appears. He works here.
ED
(to the Mom)
We'11 take care of it.
Someone arrives with a broom.
ED (CONT'D)
(to the broom guy)
Here. This time throw it out, don't
eat it.
LOU, the Manager passes.
ED
Lou, can I talk to you a second?
Lou seems like he'd prefer to avoid this.
LOU
Um, yeah, I was gonna ...
ED
What's the deal?
Did anybody make a decision -
LOU
Ed, look, uh... you're not getting
the job. They're gonna transfer
someone from another store to manage
this store when I leave to manage
the new store. I'm sorry.
ED
Oh, Christ. Did you go to bat for
me?
LOU
I batted!
ED
You batted or you bunted?
LOU
Hey. I went as far as I felt
comfortable. I mean, you know,
let's face it -- you come and go
here as you please. You work
when you feel like it -- you
know, Bruce Springsteen's
birthday is not a legal holiday.
ED
Well, then I'm quitting.
LOU
Ed, come on. What's that gonna do?
You're gonna bring Blockbuster to
their knees. Let me recommend a movie
to you. It's called "Get your shit
together before it's too late."
ED
(wise-ass)
Who's in it?
CLERK
Ed, telephone.
Ed goes to the phone.
ED
(into the phone)
Yeah... Are you serious? ... Come
on, no kidding, who is this? ...
Holy shit!
11 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - ANOTHER DAY
Ed is being interviewed by the "Real TV" staff whom we met earlier.
He's slightly less comfortable than on his tape, but he's good.
ED
I had one year of college. And
then one year of junior college.
CYNTHIA (O.C.)
What did you study?
ED
Oh, see, studying
would've been a huge help. Where
were you, then?
They LAUGH.
CUT TO:
11A INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED
Well, there's Ray, my
brother. He's... ambitious. Like a
few years ago, he started this
mobile dog-grooming business. But,
like, out of his Camry. He had this
bathtub in his trunk -
(Ed starts cracking up)
he's throwing the dogs in there, they're
fighting and splashing, then he'd
slam the trunk down, let 'em run
around inside screaming getting all
wet... then he'd use the car
exhaust to dry'em.
(wiping his eyes)
Ah, Ray... he just can't get a
break.
CUT TO:
11B INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED
My sister -- Marcia, I
mean she can't get a break. About
seven years ago she falls in love
with this Vietnamese guy who wants
to marry her so he can stay in the
country. So they get married, they
have a kid, he gets his citizenship,
immediately divorces my sister and
marries this Vietnamese woman who,
he was probably already married to
all along. She can pick 'em.
(pause)
She's got a nice
little boy, though. My nephew, Andy.
CUT TO:
11C INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED
My Mom's okay. Kinda.
I knew a guy who hated his mother -
Stuey Shwam. He hated his mother so
much, he had his belly button
removed.
CUT TO:
11D INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED
No, I've never been married.
The interviewer seems to be waiting for him to elaborate.
He doesn't. He shrugs -- that's it.
CUT TO:
11E INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED
Oh, my father -what an asshole. When I was
twelve, my mother needed a
hysterectomy -- my father ran
off with her nurse! And that's
the last I heard of him.
CUT TO:
11F INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED
Al, my stepfather he's
opinionated. And you have to
listen because he's like in a
wheelchair.
CUT TO:
11G INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED
I like my job -- I
mean I'm doing all right. I'm
not sure how long I want to stay
there, you know... I mean, I'm
thirty-one... I'm not sure I
want to be a video store clerk
when I'm forty... Of course, I
didn't expect to be doing it
'til I was thirty-one, either.
But... you know I'm... keeping
my options open. Anything comes
along, I'm ready to pounce.
(growls like a cougar)
CUT TO:
11H INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED
A dream? Of course I have a
dream I just don't know what
the hell it is.
(shrugs and smiles)
Ed's image freezes, while he has a funny-cute expression on
his face.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL a TV in a conference room with Ed's
frozen image on it. Cynthia is there with her bosses, the
people who run the network that owns Real TV. The top man is
MR. SCHARLACH. His deputies are MS. SEAVER and MR. McILVAINE.
This is not the same place where we met Cynthia and her
staff. This is richer, more corporate and formal.
CYNTHIA
He's who we want to go with.
SCHARLACH
(doubtfully)
This guy.
CYNTHIA
I polled my
staff. The men say they'd hang
around with him and the women say
he's fuckable. And one of the men
said he's fuckable.
SCHARLACH
I'm not
sure about the entire concept.
Cynthia is frustrated.
CYNTHIA
Look it's not like we're
burning up the airwaves
now. We're running neck-and-neck
with The Gardening Channel. If
people just tune in to this twice a
day for five minutes, we're a hit.
Plus we can sell advertising every
second, running at the bottom of the
screen... and the beauty is this guy
doesn't even have to be good. I mean
if he's good, great. But if he winds
up making an ass of himself, better.
McILVAINE
How is that better?
CYNTHIA
Come on. People cannot turn away
from an accident. You drive by,
you say "Ooh, I hope there's not
a head lying in the road" but you
look ! See, nobody in America
wants to be nobody. This guy
wants to be famous. So,
basically, the deal is he agrees
to drive down the highway a
hundred miles an hour blindfolded
and we get to see if his head
winds up rolling down the
highway. Fun for the whole
family. So let's do it.
She stops, waiting for approval.
12 INT. VIDEO STORE
SCHARLACH
(coldly)
Good luck.
Ed's RE-STOCKING the SHELVES
He gets goosed from behind
RAY (O.C.)
(very loud and happy)
Hey...
ED
(goosed)
Oh!
Ed DROPS the BOXES. Ray is there with Shari.
RAY
I got your message. Way to go!
ED
Hi, Shari.
(to Ray)
Let's go in the stockroom.
13 INT. STOCKROOM
Ed and Ray enter.
RAY
So when do you start?
ED
I ... I'm not gonna do it.
RAY
What?
ED
Look -- there's a
million ways to humiliate yourself -
I gotta think of a new way? I mean,
it's all day! Every minute. Id be
like a monkey at the zoo. I just...
RAY
(disgusted)
Oh man! They
couldn't pick me! They had to pick
you!
He slaps a tape off a shelf.
ED
You would do this? You would
actually --
RAY
In a second! In a hot second.
Let me ask you something --
ED
Why do you do that?
RAY
What?
ED
Whenever you ask me
something why do you always say "Let
me ask you something?" Why don't you
just ask me?
RAY
(impatiently)
All right. Let
me ask you something... are you
happy like this?
ED
I'm doing all right.
RAY
Oh Yeah? What's your master plan here?
Shari enters, curious about the yelling. She stands there
quietly, unnoticed by the guys.
RAY (CONT'D)
You're
gonna be a video store clerk for
the rest of your life? This is your
big ambition, rearranging the
"Ernest" movies?
ED
Screw off.
RAY
How many
opportunities are you going to
get in your life?
ED
I don't know.
RAY
That's right. You
don't know. Doors don't fly open
for guys like us.
ED
Hey. You know-- we're not the
same. I got a good life, this
job suits me. I come and go when
I please --
RAY
Oh, don't bullshit a
bullshitter. If you're happy like
this you're an idiot, and you're not
an idiot.
(sees Shari)
Hi.
Ed turns and sees Shari. She's self-conscious. She feels like she's
been caught eavesdropping.
SHARI
Oh. I -- I heard Ray yelling.
1 didn't mean to --
RAY
(to Ed)
Give me a chance. I'm begging
you. I need a break. Look, I'11
cover your ass. I'11 ride
shotgun. Just bring those
cameras over to me and I'11 make
something happen for both of us.
I swear. Come on, Eddie
Pause.
ED
All right.
RAY
Yeah?!
ED
Yeah.
Ray lifts Ed up.
Ray kisses Ed.
RAY
(to Shari)
Is this guy a brother?!
14 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Moderate-priced, restaurant.
WE OPEN ON a CLOSE-UP of AL. He's about seventy.
REVEAL THE FAMILY
AL
What happens when
you go to the bathroom? Do they
go in with you?
Ed, Ray, Al, JEANETTE and MARCIA. Al is in a WHEELCHAIR and has an
oxygen mask connected to a tank. He periodically takes a hit of
oxygen. He's a little short of breath, but loves to talk. Jeanette
is Ed's mother -- about sixty. Marcia is a little older than Ed.
ED
No. The bathroom is off
limits -and when I go to sleep they
go to other programming. Unless I get
up. Then they go back on the air.
Unless I get up to go to the
bathroom, I guess, then -
AL
What if--you're vomiting?
ED
(amazed by the
question)
What if I'm vomiting?
AL
Do they show it?
ED
I guess -- I don't -- it's all in
the contract. There's this
million-page contract --
RAY
Look, can we all
just sign the releases so we can
get on with this?
MARCIA
(accusing, to Ed)
What happened? You described this
"crazy-kooky" family who'd be a
million laughs on TV?
ED
No! I barely even
mentioned -it's just that, my
friends, the people at work,
whoever I'm regularly in contact
with they want releases from.
MARCIA
(angrily)
They're gonna mock our foibles.
ED
Our what?
MARCIA
Our foibles, our foibles!
RAY
We don't have foibles.
MARCIA
Everyone has
foibles. Then the whole country sees
them on TV and mocks them. Then we
have... mocked foibles.
JEANTTE
Eddie, please
don't let them mock our foibles.
ED
(losing it)
Stop saying foibles!
MARCIA
Look, my life
is not so great, that I want it
shown on television. And neither
is yours.
RAY
That's the point -- this could
change things.
MARCIA
How?
RAY
For instance... me and my friend
Bucky are buying out my boss. His
equipment, trucks, client list, the
whole shmear.
MARCIA
(points to Ed)
What does that have to do with... ?
RAY
If they keep Ed on for one full
month, he gets a balloon payment.
Ed nods.
Pause.
RAY (CONT'D)
I borrow
against that now, at the bank. Buy
the business. And Ed becomes a
silent partner. Now here's the
beauty part. While we're on TV I
plug the shit out of the business.
Free advertising.
AL
How about sex?
A STUNNED pause. They all look at Al.
ED
I'11 have to pass, Al. And it's
not an age thing --
AL
No! Do they show you having sex?
ED
No. Kissing and
hugging, okay, but if it's actual
sex they have to cut away.
AL
At what point?
ED
At the point -- I
don't -- Look you'd be on TV maybe
one or two times each. I'11 try to
avoid I'11 go out of my way to
avoid, getting together with you.
Believe me.
WE HEAR: A loud drilling sound.
CUT TO:
15 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY
A WORKMAN is drilling a hole in the wall.
Ed is there with a TV CREW. They're running cable and drilling holes and
examining the apartment.
Cynthia is going around supervising. Ray and Shari are there. Ray is
fascinated. Ed is tense. Shari is observant. Ray separates from Ed
and Shari and asks one of the Installers a technical question.
SHARI AND ED
Ed thinks.
Ed joins Cynthia.
SHARI
Are you sure about this?
ED
Hey, believe me -1 know I've got a great chance of
making a fool of myself, here.
SHARI
Why do it?
ED
I saw this show once.
It was about logging. I was home
sick, there was nothing else on. Do
you know how they break up really
bad log jams? You know, when they're
really tangled... ?
SHARI
Cream rinse?
ED
(laughs)
Dynamite.
SHARI
So?
ED
So maybe this is my dynamite.
SHARI
Dynamite is dangerous.
CYNTHIA
Ed, can I see you a second.
ED
(to Shari)
Excuse me.
CYNTHIA
Okay, so you
understand? We're installing a
permanent camera in your bedroom,
one in the kitchen, one in the
living room, plus, of course,
there'll always be a couple of
steady-cams following you.
ED
(overwhelmed)
Cool.
CYNTHIA
I want you to take this.
She gives him a card.
CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
That has my work number, my home
number, my pager number. I sleep
three hours a night. Call me
whenever you want to talk. Off the
air, on the air, whenever. Okay?
ED
(barely listening)
Um, yeah -- thanks.
Ed looks kind of overwhelmed. She doesn't like this.
CYNTHIA
Now look. Don't
freeze up on me. I picked you
because you had kind of a relaxed,
go-with-the-flow quality. You're not
going to lose that, are you?
ED
No, uh...
CYNTHIA
I bet my career on you. You'd
better be good.
ED
(annoyed)
Don't say that. That's like...
telling a guy before you have sex
you'd better be good. You don't do
that.
CYNTHIA
I do.
Ed reacts.
ED
Oh.
16 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
He's in bed, watching TV. The news is on. He glances up at one of
the cameras. On the news, they go to a story about him.
ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
Tomorrow morning, the cable
channel known
as Real TV, begins broadcasting
one of the most heavily promoted
concepts in the history of cable
television. In an experiment that
they say will last at least a month.
They're going to follow -- live -
every waking minute of a thirty-one
year old video store clerk from
Paramus New Jersey. The Real TV
press release on this promises that
none of it will be scripted, none of
it will be edited and in my opinion,
none of it will be interesting. we're
all just supposed to sit in front of
our TV's and watch this guy... live.
(rhymes with "give")
ANCHOR
(to the Entertainment Reporter)
What would be the interest here?
What would... get people to tune in?
ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
Betas me.
SIDEKICK
I don't know. I might check it out.
ANCHOR
Well, Len's
here to check out sports. Len,
would you watch this video clerk?
LEN
I'd sooner watch soccer.
They all CRUCKLE.
17 INT. CYNTHIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
She's watching the same show. She's edgy.
She's CRACKING her KNUCKLES.
TV SCREEN
LEN
Speaking of disasters, at the
Meadowlands tonight...
The set goes off. Ed, once again, stares up at the camera.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
18 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
Written on the screen -- "Day one."
A DIRECTOR and TECHNICAL CREW with all the modern equipment.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Here we go. Ten-nine-eight-seven-
19 INT. REAL TV - OFFICES
Cynthia and her staff are gathered to watch the show begin
They're TENSE and EXCITED. A commercial is on.
20 INT. TRUCK
21 INT. OFFICE
A.D.
two... one.
On the TV, the commercial ends and the Real TV logo appears.
A CRAWL BEGINS
It says "The following is unedited, unscripted, and unrehearsed. It
is the real life of one American citizen named Ed Pekurny."
The logo fades away and we see Ed, in bed, sleeping. His ALARM RINGS
and he wakes up.
He's groggy from sleep. Instinctively, he begins SCRATCHING his
balls. As he does, it hits him that this is not a normal
morning. He looks up and sees two steady-cam guys at the foot of his
bed, aiming their cameras at him. Ed, then, looks at his hand on his
balls. Gently, he moves his hand away.
22 INT. OFFICE
KEITH
(mock cheerful)
Well, we're off to a great start.
NOTE: The camera operators will change in shifts. We'11 see
about four regulars over the course of the film. The one we
will see most often is shooting Ed right now. His name is
CARLOS.
23 INT. BEDROOM
Ed, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, gets out of bed. His hair is
sticking up. He passes a mirror and notices his hair.
ED
Oh, great.
He turns to the camera and seems about to offer an excuse
for his appearance, but, then, just moves on.
ED (CONT'D)
Excuse me.
He grabs some clothes and enters the bathroom.
24 INT. OFFICE
They're not enjoying this. Everyone's staring at Cynthia. She
doesn't flinch.
NOTE: Silent advertising runs along the bottom of the screen.
25 INT. KITCHEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Ed enters, dressed and showered. The Steady-cam is in his
face.
Ed is tight. He's much less comfortable than he expected to
be. He smiles stiffly at the camera. He's misplaced his
natural charm.
He gets a box of Pop-tarts out of the freezer. As he does,
other stuff falls out of the freezer on to the floor. He's
embarrassed. He bends down to pick things up, showing his ass
to the camera.
26 INT. OFFICE
GREG
(to Cynthia)
Start clearing a place for your Emmy.
27 INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER
Ed is sitting up on the kitchen counter eating his Pop-tarts and
a bowl of cereal.
ED
(nervously)
Same people like
to put the milk in first and then
the cereal. I like to put in the
milk first - I mean the cereal first
and then the milk. Yeah, that's it.
Now, watch this.
He takes a KNIFE and a BANANA. He peels the banana. He holds the
knife, blade up, over the cereal and chops down on it with the
banana, several times, rapidly, slicing it into the cereal. He's
proud of this.
28 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
Ray is watching the show. His head is in his hands. He's
horrified by how bad Ed is.
29 INT. PARENTS' HOUSE
Jeanette and Al watching Ed.
JEANETTE
(being positive)
So far...
30 INT. OFFICE
KEITH
Somebody shoot me.
31 INT. NETWORK OFFICE
Scharlach, Seaver and McIlvaine watching, grim-faced.
32 INT. OFFICE
Cynthia is ON the PHONE.
CYNTHIA
Get him out of the house! I want
him moving!
33 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
DIRECTOR
(on the phone)
Hey, I want him dead, but what can
I do.
34 INT. KITCHEN
Ed is EATING. He peers confused at the camera.
ANGLE ON
CAMERA OPERATORS. They're signaling Ed to get out.
ANGLE ON ED
Bewildered, imitating their gestures.
ED
What... You want me to swim?
35 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
The Director is still on the phone. She's watching Ed on a
monitor.
DIRECTOR
Oh God...
Ed gets it.
ED
Oh, out? You want me to go out.
36 EXT. BUILDING
Ed exits the building with the Operators walking backwards in front
of him, bumping into PEOPLE- People watch, curiously.
Ed reaches his car. He takes out his keys and drops them in a muddy
puddle. Disgusted, he fishes them out.
CUT TO:
36A INT. NETWORK BUILDING
Scharlach, watching impassively.
CUT TO:
36B INT. ED'S CAR
Ed, in the car. He can barely fit the key into the ignition. Carlos,
in the passenger seat taps him on the arm. Ed looks up. Carlos holds
up a hastily-made sign. "It's okay. Relax, man." Carlos WINKS. This
does help Ed. He appreciates it. He drives.
WE SEE the control truck in motion. We also see another car
with another Steady-cam OPERATOR, shooting Ed's car as they
travel.
37 EXT. STREET - MONTAGE
Ed is doing his morning errands. A little shopping -- a little
banking -- always ON CAMERA. At one point, he WALKS INTO a
GLASS DOOR with the word "Pull" on it. He pushed,
banging his forehead. A CHILD points to the word "Pull." Ed turns
to the camera, embarrassed. Later he buys a slice of pizza at a
little place that's doing no business.
ED
(to the camera)
Best pizza in New Jersey.
As he walks down the street, PEOPLE call out "Hey Ed!" People
in windows show him that they're watching him at that exact
moment.
The camera shoots some of the people in the windows. They see
themselves on TV and they go wild. Ed also is confronted by
GUYS grabbing their crotches mockingly, calling out things
like "Hey, Ed, holding your own?" or "Hey, Ed, howls the grand
ballroom." Ed is slightly chagrined by all this, but handles
it with good grace. He seems to be loosening up.
38 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY
Ed arrives at work. The store is already open. (Ed usually
gets there in the afternoon and stays until closing.)
CUSTOMERS are a little stunned by the arrival of a camera.
Some know what it's about some don't.
The CLERKS are aware of what's going on. They all signed
releases. Ed's BOSS greets him stiffly. Clearly he's trying
to get face-time on camera.
ED
Hey, Lou.
LOU
(stiffly)
Welcome to work, Ed.
He shakes Ed's hand and smiles at the camera. He WAVES a little.
The BROOM GUY crosses, staring transfixed at the camera. He
blocks Ed and Lou. He FREEZES, then panics. He tries to get
out of the way and trips over his broom. He tumbles face-first
into the camera lens, hurting himself.
ANGLE ON ED, observing.
ED
(mutters)
Oh, Jesus, I'm dying.
39 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
DIRECTOR
Carlos, give him some air, give him
some room. Use a longer lens. We'11
mostly go with the stationary cameras
in here. Less intrusive.
(to the crew in the truck,
sarcastically)
Have any of you
thought about your next career?
40 INT. A KITCHEN - SAME TIME
A WOMAN is serving dinner. She's watching Ed on TV -- really just
glancing at it. Her HUSBAND is helping her bring the food to the
table.
HUSBAND
Why are we watching this?
WIFE
(a little guilty)
No reason. just... I just want to
see what happens.
HUSBAND
Nothing's gonna happen. He's just...
working.
WIFE
Oh, come on, they
wouldn't put it on if nothing was
gonna happen.
He changes the channel. She changes it back. He doesn't get it
at all.
RAPID CUTS of VARIOUS PEOPLE around America, watching -- A couple, a
young guy, a woman alone -- ending with a few college-age girls in what
appears to be a dorm room.
ONE GIRL is watching intently. Her roommates are mostly just
hanging around not really watching.
COLLEGE GIRL
I think he's cute.
one of her roommates glances over to see what she's so excited
about.
41 EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Ed is walking. He passes the little pizza place he touted earlier.
There's a LINE out into the street. The STOREOWNER is working hard -
- deliriously happy. Ed passes, oblivious to what he's created.
42 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The Camera Operator is shooting Ed in the bathroom CLIPPING his
TOENAILS
ED
Some guys work from
the big toe down to the little toe.
Not me. I save the big one for
last. That's the one I really
enjoy. It's thick, it's big, it's
a challenge. Did you ever see old
people's nails?
(makes a disgusted
noise)
43 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
Ray and Shari watching Ed. Ray is BANGING HIS HEAD on the table.
RAY
This is not working.
(to Ed on TV)
Come to me!
44 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
It's late. She's alone. She's ON the PHONE. She's coming apart.
CYNTHIA
(into phone)
No, I haven't seen the spot
ratings...
(she winces)
As she talks, she tries to LIGHT a CIGARETTE. She's shaking too
much to use her lighter.
CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
(into phone)
I think that's a number
from which we can hopefully, uh...
build...
ANGRY at her lighter, she throws it breaking a window.
CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
I disagree... No, I am not ready
to pull the plug... Yes, Mr.
Scharlach, I know they shoot
horses...
(getting angry)
Look, it's been one day. Can I have
a week with this and then have
you fly up my nose?!
(hangs up)
She immediately regrets her outburst.
45 INT. BAR - NIGHT
Written on the screen -- "Day Two."
OPEN ON TURTLES racing (as only turtles can) across the floor.
The turtles have little plastic men, seated on their backs.
The CROWD CHEERS and SCREAMS for their favorite turtles. Ed is
being followed by the steady-cams but seems to be ignoring it.
Ed is in a group which includes John, and Ray. The race ends
John looks very uncomfortable.
BARTENDER
The winner... Dashing Danny.
Ed wins. MONEY changes hands.
ED
Next round's on me.
One of the cameras is very close to John. He's very
SELFCONSCIOUS. He doesn't look where he's walking. He
trips. PEOPLE LAUGH.
ED
(off-hand joke)
Polish acrobat.
RAY
(loudly)
Hey. Check this out.
(to the cameramen)
Look at this.
Ray TAKES OUT a big stack of QUARTERS and sets them on the bar next
to a SHOT GLASS
46 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
DIRECTOR
Go with the desperate brother.
47 INT. BAR
The cameras go with Ray. Ray does a "spit the quarters off the bar
into the shot glass" trick, while PEOPLE CHEER.
Ed is standing next to Shari. They're OFF-CAMERA.
ED
Whoa, God bless Ray.
First time I'm off-camera in two
days. This is hard, you know? I'm,
like, exhausted.
ANGLE ON RAY
He's BALANCING a BAR STOOL on his forehead.
ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI
SHARI
(calmly)
He did that at my parents' house.
ANGLE ON RAY
As Ray drones on...
RAY
(selling hard to the
camera)
Okay, I just wanted to get your
attention. My name is Ray and my
friend Bucky and I design video
systems. You've got an office or
a big home, we'11 come out there
design you an entire system.
ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI
ED
See, they should've
picked him. Look how comfortable
he is out there.
ANGLE ON RAY
SHARI
He is so wound up. He bought all
new clothes for this.
He flips the BAR STOOL and catches it. He accepts the plaudits of
the crowd. He returns to Ed and Shari. So do the cameras. Ray is
fired-up.
RAY
Whew! 1 am kicking hairy ass!
Ray is still full of energy.
RAY (CONT'D)
Hey, Ed. Did you hear about
Marcia?
ED
(worried)
No. What happened?
RAY
(to the camera)
That's our sister.
(to Ed)
She's got a new boyfriend.
AL AND JEANETTE
Watching TV.
JEANETTE
Who?
BACK TO BAR
RAY
He's living with her!
ED
(camera-conscious)
Ray, maybe this isn't ...
RAY
No, this is great.
(to the camera)
You'll love this.
(to Ed)
He's a singer.
ED
Marcia's living with a singer?
CUT TO:
RAY
Yeah. You know,
piano bars. plays the piano
and sings. That's how they met.
SHARI
He sang to her and they fell in
love?
RAY
(enjoying this)
No! Some drunk
hit him over the head with his
snifter -- you know, that thing they
keep on the piano for tips -- and
Marcia yanked a big hunk of glass
out of his head.
(cracks up, pounds the
table)
48 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT
Marcia is staring at the TV in UNHAPPY SHOCK. Next to her is a good-
looking, but slightly sleazy-looking GUY with a bandage on his
head.
49 INT. BAR
RAY
I mean my question
is what was she doing in a bar in
the first place?
ED
Ray --
RAY
She's an alcoholic,
for Christ's sake.
ED
Oh, Jesus.
Marcia, watching, HORRIFIED.
BACK TO BAR
RAY
Remember the
last guy she got involved with?
What was his name?
ED
What's the dif --
RAY
Richie!
(to Shari)
She spent six months dating a criminal
ED
(to Shari)
She didn't know he was a
criminal. They had a
relationship. They --
RAY
"Quick pull off the highway" is
not a relationship. Oh man, I
gotta pee.
He KISSES Shari. She COVERS her FACE with her hand.
RAY (CONT'D)
What are you, hiding from the
Police?
(pulls her hands down)
Show your face, you look great.
(to Ed)
Doesn't she look great.
ED
Great.
RAY
(to Ed)
While I'm gone, tell them about
our cousin Lenny who's gay. We
knew from when he was five.
He minces off' effeminately, to the bathroom, LAUGHING. It's
like a hurricane has just passed through. Everyone is sitting,
STUNNED.
ED
You do though, you look great.
SHARI
Right.
ED
No, no, I -- as soon as you came
in tonight I said to John, "Boy
Shari looks beautiful." I said
it on TV so you can ask anybody
who saw it.
She LAUGHS. They smile at each other. They make intermittent
eye-contact a little self-consciously.
Ed finally looks somewhere else and Shari, for just a moment,
stares right at him.
PULL BACK to TWO GUYS, watching this on TV in a bar -- more of
a neighborhood bar.
50 INT. BAR - NIGHT
TAD
Did you see that?
BARRY
What?
TAD
Her. That look. She likes the
Ed guy better than she likes the
brother.
BARRY
You're nuts.
TAD
Okay, I'm nuts.
CUTS OF OTHER VIEWERS,
WATCHING REAL TV
A BEDROOM
The COUPLE we met earlier are in bed, the wife is holding the
remote.
HUSBAND
Give me the remote.
WIFE
Just a few more minutes. Read
your book.
A LIVING ROOM
A GAY COUPLE
FIRST GUY
What do you like about it? I
don't understand.
SECOND GUY
I don't know -- it just
it's I don't know. Just let
me watch.
51 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - MORNING
"DAY THREE"
The ALARM goes off. Ed starts to scratch his balls, but stops
halfway down. He WINKS at the camera and starts his day.
52 EXT. EWS BUILDING
Ed comes outside and he's accosted by a GROUP of angry Polish
Americans, many of whom are carrying signs decrying Polish
jokes and anti-Polish attitudes. They SCREAM ANGRILY when they
see Ed. Ed is completely shocked. He runs back inside. He
locks the door, leaving Carlos outside. The demonstrators
attack Carlos.
53 INT. ED'S APARTMENT
Ed is at his kitchen table with several burly DEMONSTRATORS
arrayed behind him. Ed is NERVOUSLY, READING from a sheet of
paper while Carlos shoots.
ED
... my "Polish acrobat" remark
was ill-considered. Although, I
meant no harm, I should have
recognized that such
(trouble with the next
word)
stigmatizing remarks bring pain
and anguish to...
He's having trouble reading the next word.
ED (CONT'D)
I can't read my own writing.
It's like Chinese --
(quickly backtracking)
It's not like Chinese! Chinese
is, I'm sure, a beautiful
language and they write ...
beautifully. It's not Chinese.
He wipes sweat away.
ED (CONT'D)
Jesus, I'm sweating like a
Mexican fruit-picker.
(realizes)
Oh, Christ!
QUICK CUTS of Ed, getting his laundry, doing some shopping,
getting his oil changed, all being shot by a CAMERA PERSON.
54 INT. DENTAL OFFICE
A YOUNG DENTAL HYGIENIST is cleaning Ed's teeth. The camera is
practically right in his mouth. It's making the Hygienist
NERVOUS. She's distracted. She hurts Ed. He SCREAMS. She
SCREAMS. She drops her tools.
HYGIENIST
(near hysterics)
Can I have some room please?!
ED
(talking with the
suction in his mouth)
Gi hu roo.
55 INT. TV STUDIO
It's an educational-type panel discussion involving various
eggheads and pundits. It's called "Viewpoint."
MODERATOR
Let's change topics for a moment.
Does anybody have a viewpoint on
something going on now called "Ed
TV".
PANEL MEMBER #1
This, I believe, is a new low
point in American culture.
PANEL MEMBER #2
I agree. What it reveals is the
absolute creative bankruptcy in
the television business. What
they're saying, basically, is
"We're giving up. We have no
ideas."
PANEL MEMBER #3
It's worse than that! They don't
select someone with any talent,
or with something to say -- they
seem to celebrate the fact that
this guy is a boob. It's a
joyous celebration of boobery.
PANEL MEMBER #4
I think we've already spent far
too much time discussing this.
They all agree.
56 INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
OPEN ON Ray with chopsticks up his nose, imitating a walrus.
Also, he has lo mein noodles protruding from between his lips.
Ed is forcing a smile. Ray is wearing a tee-shirt that says
"Ray and Bucky- Video Kings" with a phone number.
57 INT. REAL TV OFFICE
Cynthia is alone working late. She's drinking. She's watching
Ray. She's not enjoying him.
ED (V.O.)
Ray, don't throw the shrimp,
you're gonna choke again.
CYNTHIA
Choke to death, you boring
bastard.
58 INT. EWS BEDROOM - NIGHT
Ed is sitting up in bed, wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, eating
directly out of a cereal box.
TERRY
The audience likes you when
you're moving.
ALICE
Yes. Try not to stay in one
place too long. Get outside as
much as you can.
KEITH
Also, we have some notions. Have
you thought about becoming a Big
Brother?
GREG
Or coaching a Little League team?
FELICIA
How about a date?
ED
Are you asking me?
FELICIA
No, I mean...
KEITH
It's just, the ratings are still
soft.
LONG PAUSE
ED
(nervously)
Are you going to cancel me?
CYNTHIA
Let's not worry about that vet.
ALICE
You're testing well.
FELICIA
There's another problem.
GREG
It's ... Ray.
ED
What about Ray?
GREG
Well, the walrus impression -
delightful as it was -- is just
not wowing the audience. This is
some audience research.
He hands Ed a PRINTOUT. Ed doesn't know how to interpret the
figures.
ED
What does this mean?
FELICIA
It means they hate his freaking
guts. It means if he were on
fire they wouldn't put him out.
ED
He's just ... trying a little too
hard --
CYNTHIA
Ed, the audience can smell the
desperation coming through the
screen.
TERRY
Could you... see him a little
less often?
ED
How much less?
FELICIA
Never would be plenty.
ED
I can't do that to him. He's
pushing a little too hard -
but... I just can't do that to
him.
SILENCE
ED (CONT'D)
He'11 be fine.
59 INT. CAR - DAY
"DAY FIVE"
Ed is driving slowly on a busy street. Suddenly an
EIGHTEEN YEAR-OLD BOY lands heavily on Ed's windshield. Ed is badly
startled. He can't see. He swerves and stops. The boy is not
hurt. He's banging on the windshield, waving at the camera.
Ed, furious, gets out.
60 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
ED
What the --?!
BOY
I'm on TV! I'm on TV!
Ed just stares in disbelief.
61 EXT. STREET - LATER
Ed is walking. PEOPLE YELL at him.
GUY
Ed! Your show stinks!
The Guy LAUGHS like he really got in a good one. Ed ignores him.
TWO TEENAGERS run in, one has a camera and quickly snaps a
picture of Ed and the other Guy. Merrily, they shake his hand
and run off, whooping.
There are PEOPLE who trail along. Many of them will show up
again and again, throughout the movie, following Ed. Some of
them will look mentally or emotionally impaired.
62 INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
QUICK SHOTS of Ed with CUSTOMERS - One or two show a bit of
camera-consciousness. A little group has gathered to observe
Ed's "show".
63 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY- NIGHT
Ed rings the bell.
ED
(to the camera)
This is Ray's apartment. Ray's
got a big-screen TV and the
Knicks are playing in L.A.
tonight, so sometimes I come over
after I work late and we watch
the game here. He makes funny
comments. He's really a good
guy. He just...
RAY (O.C.)
Who is it?
ED
It's me, Ed.
The door opens a crack, revealing Ray in a bathrobe. Ray's
look is unwelcoming.
RAY
Hi.
ED
You watching the ballgame?
RAY
Uh, no, uh I'm a little tired.
I fell asleep.
ED
Oh. All right. I'11 watch at
home, then.
RAY
Yeah...
WOMAN (O.C.)
Ray, where do you keep the
glasses?
ED
Oh, is Shari here? Why didn't
you just say so? Why are you
giving me a song-and-dance about
being tired?
ED (CONT'D)
(calls out)
Hi, Shari.
WOMAN (O.C.)
Who's Shari?
ED
Who's --
Ray looks pained. Ed realizes what's happening and freezes
Ray's phone RINGS.
RAY
Oh shit...
He turns to answer his phone, allowing the door to swing open
a little. Ed can see into the kitchen. He sees a WOMAN,
wearing just panties, facing away from him, searching for
glasses.
RAY
(into phone)
Hello... Shari, hi... Oh no! ...
Oh God!
ED
(to the camera)
We'd better go...
RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS loving this, some screaming "Don't go!,
don't leave, stay" etc.
BACK TO SCENE
RAY
(into phone)
No, honey, it's not what it looks
like--
She hangs up on him. He holds his head.
RAY
Oh God ... Ed!
64 INT. HALLWAY
Ed is TIP-TOEING away. He stops when Ray calls him. Ray 'runs
out into the hallway after him. They speak with lowered
voices.
RAY
That was Shari. She saw the
whole thing on TV--
ED
What is this? What's going on,
who is that?
RAY
(embarrassed)
It's the receptionist at one of
the places I service video
equipment -- she's very pretty
and, you know, she never even
talks to me and then today I come
in and she's all "I saw you on TV
the other night... You were so
great ... " Next thing I know
we're ...
ED
Next thing you know! Why didn't
you stop?
RAY
Stop? I'm a guy. I don't stop.
The woman's supposed to stop.
We're the gas, they're the
brakes.
WOMAN (O.C.)
(calls out)
Ray, I finished the Snapple.
RAY
Fine!
WOMAN (O.C.)
Is there more?
RAY
In the cabinet, but it's warm.
There's ice in the tray. I
(to Ed)
Talk to her.
ED
I don't even know her. All I
know is she likes Snapple.
RAY
No, not her. Shari. Go over
there and talk to her
65 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM
CYNTHIA
Yes! Go!
She THROWS SOMETHING at the screen.
She PICKS UP the PHONE.
66 INT. HALLWAY
ED
Why me?
RAY
You brought the cameras here!
ED
You brought the girl!
RAY
Please!
ED
If I go over to Shari, the
camera's going there, too.
The Camera Operators are vigorously nodding and mouthing "Yes, Go."
Ray is oblivious to this, but Ed picks it up.
RAY
That's good. She'11 -- you know
control herself. Look. If I go
over there, she's just gonna slam
the door on me. Just go over and
beg her to talk to me, that's
all. Please. You owe me for
this!
Ed accepts the irony of Ray's attitude without comment
67 INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY- NIGHT
The door opens, revealing RITA, Shari's roommate.
RITA
(nervously)
Um... Shari knew you were coming
over because she saw ...
ED
Right, yeah --
RITA
(apologetic)
She really doesn't want you and
the camera in here right now.
ED
No, I understand. That's -
where is she, is she all right?
Rita isn't sure how much she should reveal.
RITA
I ... gave her a drink. I thought
it ... but she's not much of a
drinker, so it's made her a
little... belligerent.
Shari appears in the doorway over Rita's shoulder. she's
holding a liquor bottle and she's a little drunk.
SHARI
What do you want?!
ED
(awkward)
Shari, I'm just really sorry.
Look, I know this is...
unbelievably awkward, but if I
could come in for like a second
and -- you know -- just say...
two words, then...
Shari indicates with her head, that Ed can come in.
Ed and Carlos enter. Rita shuts the door. Shari crosses to a
couch. Ed indicates for Carlos to give them some distance.
68 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
DIRECTOR
Don't lose them, Carlos. This is
gold. Stay out of their way, but
get everything.
69 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
Carlos settles across the room. He rests the camera down as if
he's not even shooting, but he's still guiding it where he
wants it throughout the scene.
RITA
I'm gonna go to bed.
(to Shari)
You okay?
Shari shrugs.
RITA (CONT'D)
Good night.
She gives the camera a quick glance.
RITA (CONT'D)
(quickly, with a small
wave)
Hi, Mom.
(she exits)
ED
Shari, Ray feels --
SHARI
(starting to cry)
Don't defend that horse's ass to
me.
ED
I'm not. I'm not. I'm just
Look -- you know, in a way, it's
good. He got this out of his
system now and he knows it's
not worth it and, you know,
someday if you guys got married
or something --
SHARI
Ha!
ED
Okay ...
SHARI
(poking Ed as she
talks)
I've got news for you-- I never
intended to marry him.
ED
Oh... how come?
70 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
Ray, watching on TV.
71 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
SHARI
Well, for one thing, he's a bad
lay.
72 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
His eyes bulge out and he begins to gasp.
RAPID SHOTS of viewers reacting-- "Whoa!" laughs, etc. The
college girls applauding. one of them SCREAMS "Tell it!"
73 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
Ed realizes that Ray's been called a "bad lay" on television.
ED
Oh my God.
SHARI
(directly into the
camera)
I mean bad.
ED
Look, not having been there... I
just think you're hurt and you're
saying this to, you know, get
back at him.
She starts to cry.
ED (CONT'D)
Look... whether you get back
together or not, you're too
terrific a person to... lower
yourself like this.
74 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
Ray, still in shock.
75 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
ED (CONT'D)
I mean, I told Ray -- a couple of
times -- that I thought you were
one of the best and ... smartest
and... most attractive women
I've ever seen so...
In comforting her, he's gotten his face very close to hers.
76 INT. DORMITORY
Same dorm girls as before.
DORM GIRL
Kiss him! Kiss him!
BACK TO SCENE
SHARI
Really?
ED
Yeah.
She tilts her head forward a little, hesitates, then kisses
him, at first warmly, then passionately.
77 INT. DORM ROOM
The girls are going wild-- SCREECHING.
78 INT. TAD'S HOUSE
TAD
I'm nuts, hah?! I knew it! I
said!
He dials the phone.
79 INT. JOHN'S HOUSE
John is stunned.
JOHN
Oh, Jesus!
80 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
He stares, amazed.
The WOMAN he was found with appears behind him.
WOMAN
I found the Snapple.
81 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM
She sees the kiss.
CYNTHIA
Yes! Yes! I win! Scharlach,
you schmuck! I am the golden
goddess of television!
She begins beating her chest, one fist at a time while she
SCREAMS in triumph.
82 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
Shari and Ed have stopped kissing. They both look stunned.
Shari is suddenly sober.
SHARI
Oh my God.
She looks at Carlos who has now moved closer to them
SHARI (CONT'D)
Oh my God.
ED
It's... okay
SHARI
I kissed my boyfriend's brother
on television!
ED
Well, when you put it that way.
SHARI
Leave. Go.
ED
Can't we just --
SHARI
Go!
ED
(exiting)
All right. Okay. I'11 ... see
you.
He and Carlos exit. Going through the door, he gives Carlos a
little push then quickly steps back inside, slams the door and
locks it.
83 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
CARLOS (V.O.)
I'm locked out.
DIRECTOR
Stay calm. Shoot the door.
We're running sound. And we've
got a camera in the street.
84 EXT. BUILDING
A CAMERA is shooting at a second-story window. We SEE
SILHOUETTES.
85 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
Ed is at the door. Shari is across the room. They stare at
each other silently. Then they run to each other. They kiss
again.
86 EXT. BUILDING
We can SEE them KISSING...
87 INT. APARTMENT
Ed and Shari are all over each other. They're breathless.
SHARI
What are we doing?
ED
I've got to tell you something.
I have had a big thing for you
for months.
INTERCUT WITH SHOTS OF VIEWERS
They're seeing the door or the silhouette shot, but they're
hearing every word. They're mesmerized.
SHARI
Really?
ED
Yeah. I mean for months I've
been seeing you with Ray you
being his girlfriend and I
kept wishing you were my
girlfriend... But, you know, what
could I do?
SHARI
Me too. I mean I'm going out
with Ray and I'm... thinking
about you.
ED
Really?
SHARI
Oh God, this is so weird.
ED
Weird? If this happened last
month it would've been weird.
Now with... the TV and... now
it's just too weird.
They look at each other. They don't know what to do.
ED (CONT'D)
I'd better go.
She nods. He walks to the door.
ED (CONT'D)
Once more?
She nods. They run back to each other and kiss.
88 EXT. BUILDING
The silhouettes are kissing.
89 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
Ray staring at the TV.
90 EXT. PRIVATE HOME - LATER
"DAY SIX"
This is a fairly old, modest private home. Ed pulls up. He
and Carlos get out of the car. Ed hurries up to the front door
and enters.
91 INT. HOME - CONTINUOUS
Ed enters. He's a little AGITATED
ANGLE ON AL
ED
Hi, Al.
Al is in his wheelchair and taking periodic hits off an oxygen
mask connected to a tank. Al's watching himself on TV.
AL
(excited)
Look. It's me.
He WAVES.
ED
Yeah. I brought you some movies.
AL
Anything good?
They LAUGH.
ED
No, I intentionally picked out a
lot of crap 'cause I don't like
you.
ED (CONT'D)
Is Mom here? I gotta talk to
her.
AL
She's in the kitchen. I'd yell
for her, but I'd die.
(sucks more oxygen)
You had a busy night last night.
ED
(calls)
Yeah. Ma...
JEANETTE (O.C.)
Eddie? ...
ED
Yeah?
JEANETTE (O.C.)
Are the TV people with you?
ED
Yeah. The camera guy is here.
JEANETTE (O.C.)
Send him away.
ED
Send him? Ma, I can't.
it's -- just come out here.
Please, I --
JEANETTE (O.C.)
No.
ED
Do you want us to come in the
kitchen?
JEANETTE (O.C.)
No. It's a mess.
ED
Look, Ma, come on out. Really.
I need to talk to you.
After a pause, Jeanette enters, very camera-conscious.
ED (CONT'D)
(to the camera)
This is my mother.
STIFFLY, he gives her a kiss.
ED (CONT'D)
Ma, do you know where Ray is?
I've been calling him and I'm
getting his machine and --
JEANETTE
Eddie, how could you do it? Your
brother's girlfriend.
ED
Hey, he cheated on her.
JEANETTE
He made a mistake.
ED
I don't want to -- do you know
where he is?
JEANETTE
No. Maybe he's watching.
(indicates the camera)
Tell him you're sorry. Tell him
you'11 stay away from that girl.
ED
No! And that girl has a name.
AL
What do you love her or
something?
ED
(embarrassed)
Come on...
AL
(teasing)
Look at your face. I had a car
that color.
VARIOUS REACTIONS OF VIEWERS really liking this.
BACK TO SCENE
JEANETTE
I know you. This Shari is a
passing fancy.
ED
No! I -- All right,
look, if you hear from Ray.... tell
him to call me, okay?
He KISSES her again.
ED (CONT'D)
How's Marcia? She all right?
JEANETTE
I don't know.
She's living with that
"entertainer"...
ED
(trying to make his
mother feel better)
Well, who knows? Maybe she
finally picked a winner this
time.
JEANETTE
(unconvinced)
Mm.
ED
You and Al lived together a few
months before you got married --
after Dad left.
JEANETTE
(looks at the TV)
Oh my God!
ED
I mean, that worked out.
JEANETTE
Oh my God!!
She gets in the closet and closes the door.
92 INT. OFFICE
ED
(to the camera)
I think we're through here.
The Real TV group is there.
They're smiling. Cynthia is ON the PHONE
CYNTHIA
(into phone)
I will. I'11 tell them.
(hangs up)
That was Scharlach. All of you,
scrub your asses. He's coming
over to kiss them.
They all WHOOP and LAUGH.
93 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - DAY
Shari and Rita are watching Ed leave his parents house on TV.
Rita is very excited. Shari is ON the PHONE.
SHARI
(into phone)
Um, I'd like to get a new phone
number, please... Because I'm
getting calls from every nut case
in America... Right, unlisted...
Sure.
(she holds)
RITA
Aren't you excited? He said he
loved you on television!
SHARI
He didn't say it. His stepfather
said it.
RITA
(joking)
Well, the stepfather's cute...
Seriously, how do you feel about
Ed?
Pause.
SHARI
I think he's great. He just
makes me feel... oh, I'm really
gonna get hurt, this time - Hello ...
CUTS OF VARIOUS VIEWERS WATCHING REAL TV
End on TAD and BARRY in a health club. This is the refreshment
area. They've played racquetball and they're sweaty. They're
watching Real TV.
TAD
I'11 tell you something else.
The old guy in the wheelchair?
The stepfather? They're gonna
have him die.
BARRY
What do you mean "they're gonna
have him die?"
TAD
You know, for a tearjerker. The
audience falls in love with this
loveable old geezer in a
wheelchair and then he dies,
it's ... They know what they're
doing.
BARRY
This is real, Bananahead!
TAD
So?
BARRY
So if it's a show and they have
a guy die that's writing, but if
it's real and they have a guy die
that's murder.
94 EXT. VIDEO STORE - DAY
Ed arrives for work.
People CALL OUT to him-- PEDESTRIANS, PEOPLE FROM CARS, TRUCK
DRIVERS. "Hey Ed, my man." Ed waves. People shake his hand.
A teenage boy looks into the camera, making a funny face.
Someone else looks into the camera and says, "Hi, Ma."
Suddenly, Ray is there with a WOMAN. Ray is not happy. He's
wearing DARK GLASSES and a HAT.
RAY
Hi.
Ed stops.
ED
... Ray?
RAY
Yeah.
ED
Oh, man, I've been trying to call
you.
RAY
I know.
ED
Look, we gotta talk.
RAY
Save it.
A GUY in a car appears and points at Ray.
GUY
Hey, you're that French guy on TV.
RAY
French guy?
GUY
Monsieur Bad-a-lay.
The guy drives away. Ray is steaming.
RAY
Let me just do what I came here
to do.
Ed thinks he means to fight. Ed tries to calm him.
ED
What are we gonna fight? Ray,
please, listen to me --
RAY
(beckoning)
Cassie...
CASSIE, a woman about Ray's age, steps forward. She's slightly
self-conscious.
RAY (CONT'D)
Go ahead.
Ray points Cassie to the camera.
CASSIE
This is really hard.
RAY
You promised me.
CASSIE
(to the camera)
I went out with Ray a few years
ago for... a couple of months.
And we... were intimate. And.
he's really not as bad as that
girl said he was.
Ray nods.
CASSIE (CONT'D)
I mean, I've definitely had
worse.
RAY
That's enough.
Ed is amazed that Ray would do this.
RAY (CONT'D)
(to Ed)
Good-bye, brother!
ED
Ray, come an--
Ray leaves, still angry.
Cassie lingers.
CASSIE
(flirting slightly)
So you're Ed.
Ray returns and yanks Cassie away with him. Ed still hasn't
recovered from the bizarreness he just witnessed. Two girls
YELL in unison from across the street.
GIRLS
Ed... we love you!
95 INT. REAL TV OFFICE - NIGHT
Cynthia and her staff, around a conference call box.
CYNTHIA
We're not going to be able to
come over there for anymore
midnight meetings. People are
starting to watch your building.
The interest level in you is
soaring.
INTERCUT WITH:
95A INT. ED'S BEDROOM.
Ed's OFF-CAMERA
ED
Soaring is good, right? I mean,
that means you're not gonna
cancel me, right?
KEITH
(sotto)
Man, he wants that balloon
payment.
ED (V.O.)
Huh?
TERRY
Ed, why didn't you go over to see
Shari today? That's what all our
viewers were hoping you'd do.
ED
Isn't she great? I mean, maybe
just to me, but... I don't know,
she's just --
TERRY
(impatiently)
She's great, she's great. Why
didn't you go see her?
ED
I wanted to! I was dying to!
But...
GREG
Is it Ray?
(pulls out research)
The audience hates Ray. Females,
18 to 35 --
ED
No, I don't need to hear that. Cynthia?
CYNTHIA
Yes, Ed.
ED
Could we just talk alone for a
second? I --
CYNTHIA
Good idea.
(to her staff)
Could you all leave us alone for
a few minutes?
She PANTOMIMES for them to stay in the room, but be quiet. The
staff scrape chair legs and feign movement and ad lib "Bye Ed",
"See you, buddy" etc. They all stay.
CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
How you doing, Ed?
ED
I feel like when I was a kid and
my mother sent me to school in
orange corduroy pants.
CYNTHIA
(no clue)
Uh-huh?
ED
And all the kids stared calling
me "Pumpkin Ass." "Hey Pumpkin
Ass," -- for like a year. So,
now, I feel like everyone's
watching me and, you know, I'm
"Pumpkin Ass" again.
The staff are stifling giggles.
CYNTHIA
Can I tell you something? I
think you are fantastic. I think
you have taken an idea and turned
it into something explosive.
The staff stifle laughter. One of the guys is doing a jerk-off
gesture. Cynthia gives them the finger.
ED
Yeah?
CYNTHIA
Can I give you one bit of advice?
About Shari?
ED
Sure.
CYNTHIA
A woman wants to be pursued.
96 EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY
Shari, in her Fed-ex uniform is making a delivery. A WOMAN's
signing for it.
WOMAN
This is so exciting! A real
celebrity delivering my figs.
SHARI
(uncomfortable)
Sign here, please.
WOMAN
That Ray was a pig. Ed is
doll. You latch on to him
honey.
SHARI
By the X.
WOMAN
Some more make-up wouldn't do you
any harm. On TV you look a
little washed out.
SHARI
What would I actually have to do
to get you to sign this?
WOMAN
(insulted)
Oh, an TV a minute and already an
attitude.
SHARI
(annoyed)
By the X. That's were two lines
cross -- forming an X.
ANGRILY, the Woman signs and slams the door.
She heads back to her truck. She looks up and Ed is there with
flowers. The TV cameras are there also. Shari is startled.
But she's also glad to see him.
SHARI
What are you doing?
ED
I missed you.
She's camera-shy.
ED (CONT'D)
You know, I never saw you in your
uniform before.
SHARI
Yeah, well...
They both LAUGH.
ED
It's really a tremendous turnoff.
SHARI
You should see the one we wear
when it rains.
ED
Sunday night at the Devils game,
I'm driving the Zamboni.
SHARI
The what?
ED
You know, the big machine that
cleans the ice.
SHARI
Oh yeah.
ED
It's quite an honor. Will you
come with me?
She looks at the camera.
ED (CONT'D)
(gently)
Look, I know this is weird.
But... I don't want to wait. I
really think we might have
something together. Don't you?
EMBARRASSED, she nods.
ED (CONT'D)
Come on. Be my zamboni date.
She doesn't say "no."
They KISS -- a little hesitantly, not passionately, but
affectionately. She's still self-conscious, but she's going
with the flow.
97 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
They're watching. They CHEER and high-five each other.
98 INT. SHORT MONTAGE
Ed and Shari dating. She's shy, but she really likes Ed. He
likes her and is very sweet to her.
1) Ed and Shari some place like "Tavern on the Green." She
looks pretty. He's very happy.
2) They come out of a club. TOURISTS photograph them. Shari
is a little disconcerted. Ed takes out a little camera of his
own and photographs the tourists. This makes Shari laugh and
relaxes her.
3) HOCKEY ARENA
CLOSE-UP of Ed, driving the Zamboni. He's loving it. He WAVES
to Shari.
SHARI IN THE STANDS, watching. She waves and smiles.
The ice, a WIDER SHOT.
The Zamboni is, basically out of control. Carlos is sliding
along the ice, shooting Ed as the Zamboni zig-zags dangerously,
eventually crashing into the boards, shattering the Plexiglas.
99 INT. LOCAL ROCK CLUB - NIGHT
It's very CROWDED. Claustrophobic. Loud. Ed and Shari enter
just to see the show. They're spotted.
The Crowd, which is already fired up by the music, sees them.
It starts out okay, people crowding around, patting Ed on the
back.
A CHANT begins "Ed, Ed, Ed..." Pretty soon it drowns out the
music.
More people press towards Ed. It's too crowded -- dangerous.
Shari is swept away from Ed. She's buffeted about, violently.
She goes down. Ed can't move. The Crowd is friendly and
happy, but the effect is scary.
100 EXT. ROCK CLUB - A FEW MINUTES LATER
BOUNCERS squeeze Ed and Shari out the door, protecting them.
Ed is unnerved. Shari is somewhat bedraggled. Her clothing is
torn.
101 INT. ED'S KITCHEN - DAY
Ed is ON the PHONE.
INTERCUT WITH:
CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
Yeah?!
ED
They tore her dress! ...
CYNTHIA
We're going to get you a
bodyguard, don't worry. Ed, I
have some news for you. We're
picking up Ed TV for another
month!
ED
(excited)
Yeah?!
CYNTHIA
That means a balloon payment and
a big raise for the second month.
ED
Stand back -- I'm about to do my
Happy Dance.
He does.
102 INT. RESTAURANT
Ed and Shari are EATING. So is a HUGE MAN sitting between
them. His name is MOE.
103 INT. ROLLER RINK
Ed and Shari are SKATING. Up ahead of them, Moe, (on skates)
is plowing into people, knocking them over.
104 INT. PIZZA JOINT - NIGHT
Ed and Shari get up to leave. They look at each other, very
affectionately. They want to kiss. The cameras are close.
Ed is wearing a jacket. He spreads it out wide to block
Shari's face from the cameras. He leans in and they KISS on
the lips, several times, while Ed's jacket screens off the
cameras. They're in love.
105 INT. TV NEWS SHOW- THREE WEEKS LATER
Written on the screen -- "Day 26."
It's the same news team we met earlier.
ANCHOR
Well, welve had pet rocks, hula
hoops, Davy Crockett, Beatle
wigs, and leisure suits. But
America's latest craze is a guy
named Ed. Here with that story
is entertainment reporter, Rick
Douglas.
ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
Pat, four weeks ago, no one in
America had even heard of Ed
Pekurny. Today, this thirty-one
year-old video store clerk has
become something of a national
obsession. The words viewers use
to describe him are "charming,"
"natural," and "appealing." And
ratings indicate that "Ed TV" is
being watched by more people,
each day, than any show in the
history of cable television.
CUT TO:
A SHOT of Scharlach being interviewed. A CAPTION identifies him.
SCHARLACH
This idea just came to me. I
told my staff -- if people just
tune in twice a day for five
minutes we're a hit. Sometimes
you gotta go with your gut
feeling.
CUT TO:
106 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
She's watching. She's ANGRY.
CYNTHIA
Sure it came to you! Because I
brought it to you!
(raises her fist)
You want a gut feeling?! How
about a groin feeling?!
(raises her foot)
BACK TO NEWS REPORT
ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
Ed TV has become so popular that
when Ed goes to sleep Real TV is
running highlights of Ed's day
all night. Some viewers have
become obsessed with Ed. They
wake up when Ed wakes up, they go
to sleep when Ed goes to sleep,
and in between they try to watch
as much of him as possible.
A SERIES OF MAN-IN-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS.
WOMAN #1
(casually)
Yeah, I watch it... More than I'd
like to admit sometimes.
MAN
(about fifty)
Never... no...
YOUNGER MAN
Honestly? ... I try not to go to
the bathroom until Ed goes to the
bathroom so I won't miss
anything.
A GUY in an ice cream store.
ICE CREAM GUY
Watch this! Like Ed.
He slices a banana the way Ed does.
WOMAN #2
I just kind of leave it an, you
know, so it's... there.
THREE TEEN-AGE GIRLS
TEEN-AGER #l
I don't like Shari. She's ...
needy.
TEEN-AGER #2
I like her. She's sweet.
TEEN-AGER #1
She just rubs me the wrong way.
TEEN-AGER #3
I'm so glad they got rid of Ray.
He was creepy.
CUT TO:
YOUNG GUYS
GUY #1
To me, this Shari is like
nothing.
GUY #2
She's not even hot. I mean Ed's
a celebrity. If that was me, I'd
be dating the goods.
GUY #1
There's something wrong with her.
She's definitely not hot.
GUY #2
Not hot. Not.
107 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
She's watching this, wearing a bathrobe.
Her self-esteem is being crushed.
108 INT. TV STUDIO
This is an "E TV" kind of gossip show. The host -- a YOUNG
WOMAN -- is showing film of Ed and Shari getting out of Ed's
car. The film freeze-frames. Shari has an
unflattering look on her face.
GOSSIP QUEEN
What's wrong with her! Everytime
you look at this chick, it's like
she badly needs a Tampax. Ed, you
can do better.
Shari watching, in horror.
109 INT. DELICATESSAN - NIGHT
Ed and Shari are on a date. A WAITRESS is taking their order.
Shari still seems a little self-conscious, but Ed is having a
ball.
ED
I'11 have...
(to Shari)
Get this --
(to the waitress)
I'11 have the "Ed."
SHARI
I'm stunned.
A WOMAN with her young SON approach.
WOMAN
Mr. Pekurny. I'm sorry to bother
you. My son would just love to
have your autograph.
ED
No problema.
(to the boy)
You want a picture?
The boy nods.
ED (CONT'D)
Moe.
MOE, the Bodyguard, in the next booth hands Ed a glossy of Ed
and a pen. Ed signs it.
ED (CONT'D)
Take this around the corner to
Frame World, they'll give you a
discount.
The Woman and Child leave.
ED (CONT'D)
(to Shari)
Oh -- Sunday is good for me to
meet your folks. We get a big
family audience on Sundays so it
works out.
SHARI
(ironic)
That's lucky.
ED
Saturday, I think we should
A PHONE RINGS
Ed takes a phone out of his pocket.
ED (CONT'D)
(plugging)
Compliments of Motorola.
Hello... Marcia??
(to Shari)
My sister. -- What? ... What,
right now? ... I'm eating, I'm on
a date! ... Well, where's your
boyfriend -- what's his name?
Cliff .... Then, call a cab...
(wearily)
All right. Look, just don't
start any trouble okay. Just sit
there quietly 'til I get there...
you're welcome.
He HANGS UP. He's disgusted.
110 INT. CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER
ED
This used to be a regular thing.
And the worst part, is while
she'd be waiting for me to come
down to some bar and get her,
she'd start up with some guy and
say "Wait 'til my brother gets
here, he'11 kick your ass." So
then I walk in and there's some
rhinoceros in a windbreaker who
tries to shove me into a shot
glass. And Marcia's drunk and
screaming "Kick his ass, Ed.
Kick his ass."
(looks out)
I think this is it.
111 INT. BAR
It's not a seedy dive. Ed and Shari and the camera operators
enter. A CUSTOMER approaches.
CUSTOMER
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You're
the guy on TV.
ED
What was the tip-off? The
enormous camera?
CUSTOMER
Watch this.
The guy does Ed's "Happy Dance."
CUSTOMER (CONT'D)
See, like you.
ED
Yeah. Keep up the good work.
Ed brushes by him. He sees a WOMAN passed out at a table.
ED (CONT'D)
Oh great.
He prepares to lift her.
MARCIA (O.C.)
Ed.
He turns and sees Marcia standing there.
MARCIA (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
ED
Hm? I'm, uh... Why isn't this
drunken woman you?
He lets go of the woman.
Her head bounces on the table.
ED (CONT' D)
What's going on? Why did you
want me to come down here?
Marcia guides them into chairs.
MARCIA
Cliff is here. He's performing.
I wanted you to see him.
For a second, Ed doesn't get it. Then.
ED
Oh! Oh -- okay, now I get it.
It's "Star Search." You wanted
me here because the camera comes
with me.
MARCIA
Ed, he needs a break. You don't
know what kind of bad luck he's
had --
ED
I can imagine. You said you
wanted nothing to do with this.
You swore to me. "Don't come
near me. Don't bring this into
my life..."
MARCIA
For God sakes, you said two words
about some lousy pizza joint, the
guy's a millionaire now. This
could be my whole future we're
talking about.
(to Shari)
Hi, I'm Ed's sister.
SHARI
(politely)
I've heard so much about you.
112 INT. BAR - LATER
Cliff is in the middle of his show.
He's wearing a PORTABLE ORGAN. He's not great. He's a smalltime
professional with a lot of pep. Marcia is beaming. Ed's
cameras are shooting him.
CUTS OF Cliff, singing every type of song, imaginable. This
guy is desperately trying to cover all the bases -- i.e.
Sinatra-type standards, something from "Lion King", "Do Ya'
Think I'm Sexy," "Smokin' in the Boy's Room," "Hey, Hey, We're
the Monkees," the theme from "Hawaii Five-0," a rap number, and
"Ave Maria."
ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI
ED
(sotto)
I wish my stepfather was here.
SHARI
Why?
ED
He could give me some oxygen.
113 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER
Ed and Shari are KISSING.
CUTAWAYS TO VIEWERS
TAD AND BARRY
BARRY
Oh boy! Here we go!
Ed is passionate.
JEANETTE AND AL
JEANETTE
(cringing)
Euuw...
RAY
Fuming.
BACK TO ED AND SHARI
SHARI
Um...
ED
What?
She indicates the camera. Ed tries to allay her fears.
ED (CONT'D)
I told you. If we... you know
do it, they go away until ...
we're done.
SHARI
I know, but even if they go away,
everybody in America knows what
we're doing because... they went
away.
ED
So? What do they think -- we're
not kids --
SHARI
(overlapping)
I know, I ...
ED
(overlapping)
Shari, I really like you...
SHARI
(overlapping)
I really like you too...
ED
...if this ...
(the camera)
... weren't here... ?
SHARI
... yeah, then, but...
CUTAWAYS
ED
So...?
SHARI
Ed... I think we should stop
seeing each other.
The guys who said she wasn't hot.
They applaud.
THE DORM GIRLS
They're booing Shari.
A BAR
A very attractive woman (JILL) and her friend.
JILL
That girl's an idiot.
BACK TO ED AND SHARI
ED
What?... Why?
SHARI
(starting to weep)
I can't take it anymore...
GUYS WHO DON'T THINK SHE'S HOT
They mock her, crying "Boo hoo hoo" and pretending to rub their
eyes.
BACK TO ED AND SHARI
SHARI
(crying)
I have no privacy. Even now!
I'm crying and I can't stop and
they won't go away. And now it's
going to be another month!
ED
Shari...
SHARI
Everybody hates me!
ED
No. Who?
SHARI
Look at this.
She picks up a N.Y. POST.
SHARI (CONT'D)
Page three of the Post.
ED
(knows what it is)
Ohh...
SHARI
A poll. "Is Shari Good Enough
for Ed?" Seventy-one per cent
said "no."
(crying)
They hate me!
ED
Who cares? I don't ca -- No. I
do care.
(to the camera)
Shame on everybody. Shame on
you! Well, just the seventy-one
percent. The other...
(he can't do the math)
SHARI
Twenty-nine.
ED
Exactly. Boy, you're smart.
(to the camera)
Why are you so mean to her? What
did she do to you?
(picks up newspaper)
"Is she good enough for Ed?" Who
the hell am I?
(sarcastically)
Who the hell do you think I
should be dating?
SHARI
There's a list.
ED
Really?
(he looks)
SHARI
Ed?
He doesn't hear her. He's scanning the list.
ED
Wow...
114 INT. DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW (OR SOMETHING)
Ed is a guest.
DAVE
I'm out here an hour a night and
I feel like a dork. You're on
every minute! Doesn't it just
drive you nuts?
ED
(cheerfully)
Yeah.
LAUGHS.
DAVE
All this fame and the money
you're making. Is this going to
change you, do you think?
ED
God, I hope so.
BIGGER LAUGHS.
115 INT. GREEN ROOM - LATER
It's after the show. Ed is getting ready to leave. John is
with him, keeping him company. A. P.A. is giving Ed a bag of
gifts. (Of course, Ed is still on Ed TV.)
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
You've got a ham in there and
Dave's book and --
ED
Hey, if it's free, it's me.
(to John)
You ready?
JOHN
Yeah. You did good. What's
wrong?
ED
Aah, I wanted Shari to come.
JOHN
Oh -- so I'm just, what -- a poor
substitute?
He KISSES John.
ED
(easily)
Yeah.
(to the camera)
Honey, if you're watching this is
for you.
JOHN
No! Don't --
(new subject)
Oh, wow.
ED
What?
ANGLE ON JILL IN THE HALLWAY (We met her earlier in a cutaway.)
She's saying good-bye to a CASTING ASSISTANT.
JOHN
No more calls, we have a
winner.
Jill looks up, sees Ed and walks right up to him
JILL
Hi.
ED
Hi.
SECURITY steps forward.
ED (CONT'D)
It's all right.
They step back.
JILL
I'm Jill. I really like your
show. I think you're great.
ED
Thanks... That's ...
Shari, watching this on television.
JILL
You must be John.
JOHN
I'm trying to remember.
JILL
(to Ed)
Well, I don't want to bother you,
I'm just -- I was here
auditioning for a skit. You
know, one of those things where
Dave goes around town with models
and whatever...
ED
Oh, yeah, I love those. Yeah...
those are funny...
JILL
Well, it was really nice meeting
you and, uh...
(checks her watch)
I'd better get a cab.
But she doesn't leave.
ED
Um... They gave me a limo, uh...
JILL
Oh, great! Thanks. I'm just
going uptown.
She takes his arm and leads him out.
116 INT. HEALTH CLUB - NEXT DAY
Written on the screen -- "Day 28"
Two WOMEN on Stairmasters.
WOMAN
V11 bet he goes out with her.
It's like those actors -- as soon
as they get famous -- Pfft -
there goes the wife.
117 EXT. COLLEGE
The dorm girls.
118 INT. POKER GAME
COLLEGE GIRL
He'll never cheat on Shari!
The game includes Tad and Barry.
119 INT. TV STUDIO
BARRY
You think she really likes him?
TAD
She doesn't give a shit about
him.
BARRY
You know what would be great?
TAD
What?
BARRY
If Ray would steal this girl from
Ed. That would be great.
POKER PLAYER #2
You know what would be even
better?
BARRY
What?
POKER PLAYER #2
If you shut your hole and played
cards. Goddam pineapple
brothers.
The same eggheads who, earlier, had no interest in Ed. Now
they're all worked up.
PANEL MEMBER #1
But he's not a normal person
anymore. He's a celebrity.
We're no longer observing
anyone's "real life."
PANEL MEMBER #2
(disagreeing)
But that's what's interesting!
The effect of celebrity on an
otherwise average person.
PANEL MEMBER #3
But do you really feel that Ed is
an average person? I mean this
guy seems to have a... magnetism,
a charisma that, I think,
transcends the entire concept.
PANEL MEMBER #4
I agree. He's special.
They all nod.
120 INT. EWS APARTMENT - DAY
" DAY 34 "
Ed is opening letters and packages. There are piles of them
ED
This is from a girl named
Tawny... this goes in the nude
picture pile. Thank you, Tawny.
He places it in a large pile. He opens another envelope.
ED (CONT'D)
Let's see.
Ed stares and his smile disappears.
ANGLE ON THE MAIL
A picture of Ed's face with his body drawn underneath it. The
body is spurting blood and is mutilated. Ed stares at it.
ED
Well. This is creative. This
goes in the psychopath pile.
The DOORBELL RINGS.
ED
Oh, I hope that's not this guy.
(indicates psycho
letter)
He PICKS UP a baseball bat and crosses to the door.
He opens the door. A handsome man in his early sixties is
there. His name is HANK.
HANK
Hello.
ED
Hi.
Ed waits.
HANK
You don't recognize me.
ED
No. Am I supposed to?
Hank shrugs. Ed stares at him, then begins to look a little
shaken.
121 INT. EWS MOTHER'S HOUSE
Jeanette is putting a jar in the refrigerator. She glances at
the television. She drops the jar. It SHATTERS...
122 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT
Marcia is with her half-Asian son ANDY. She's serving his
dinner. OFF-CAMERA we HEAR Cliff SINGING and the DOG HOWLING
in distress. Glancing at the television, Marcia gasps.
123 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
Ray is TYPING on a word processor.
He stares curiously at the television.
124 INT. ED'S APARTMENT
Ed is staring at Hank doubtfully.
HANK
It's me, Hank -- your father.
RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS, excited. Many of them reach for the
phone.
125 INT. REAL TV OFFICE
The Real TV staff react. Cynthia looks over-- stunned.
ALICE
(to Cynthia)
Did you do this? Did you find
him and get him to--
CYNTHIA
No way... Oh, this just keeps
getting better.
126 INT. AL AND JEANETTE'S HOUSE - DAY
Written on the screen -- "Day 35"
Ed and his mother are arguing. Al is sucking oxygen and has a
pile of "People" magazines with Ed on the cover. A REPAIRMAN
is fixing the refrigerator. All their food is out and melting.
Jeanette is trying to preserve food in an ice chest while she
argues with Ed.
JEANETTE
I can't believe you're taking his
side.
ED
I'm not! I'm just trying to get
some facts.
AL
(to Ed)
Sign this one to Nancy. She's
the nurse who handles my urine.
Ed signs.
JEANETTE
I told you the facts! He
abandoned us -- those are the
facts.
ED
So everything he told me
yesterday was a lie. Everything.
Al takes a loud breath.
JEANTETTE
Yes! ... practically
ED
What do you mean practically?
Did he really run away or did you
throw him out like he says.
REPAIRMAN
I need to replace the coil.
JEANETTE
(to Ed)
He ran away after I threw him
out.
(to repairman)
How much is a new coil?
REPAIRMAN
A hundred and fifty bucks.
ED
So he was telling the truth
you threw him out.
REPAIRMAN
Should I go ahead?
JEANETTE
Yes.
ED
Yes to me or yes to the coil?
JEANETTE
Both.
ED
Holy sh--
AL
This one to Dr. Bamajian. Maybe
he won't make me wait an hour.
Ed signs.
JEANETTE
He had girlfriends!
ED
He says --
JEANETTE
I don't care what he says. Look,
I don't need to relive this. On
television!
AL
Whatever happened to Norman
Rockwell?
ED
Who?
AL
Norman Rockwell. He painted
magazine covers. Folksy. A
mailman, a boy scout, a kid
visiting a doctor...
ED
Yeah, so... ?
AL
They celebrated the common
person.
ED
Well, I don't think you can get
more common than me, Al.
AL
No. Only celebrities now. Now,
if you put a mailman on the cover
of a magazine he'd better have
killed someone or no one will buy
it. This one to Dr. Rumpley.
Jeanette storms back in.
JEANETTE
All right -- do you want to know
the truth? I took you and Marcia
and Ray to my sister's on the
train for the weekend and you all
got chicken pox. So I took you
home a day early and there was
your father with a woman in our
bed. Okay?
ED
Chicken pox? I was six. He
didn't leave 'til I was twelve.
JEANETTE
He... apologized, he begged me.
He can be very... charming when
it suits his purpose.
ED
But what was that whole story
about him and a nurse?
JEANETTE
She could've been a nurse.
ED
Could've been a nurse?
JEANETTE
She had white shoes.
ED
So does Grandma. So does
Shaquille O'Neal. You told me
you had a hysterectomy and he ran
off with your nurse.
JEANETTE
What's the difference?
ED
The difference is for twenty
years I thought one thing and now
it's another thing.
Ed nods.
JEANETTE
He was no good. Do you remember
how he used to scream at me? You
used to cover your ears with
dinner rolls.
JEANETTE (CONT'D)
Also, no job was ever good enough
for him. "Small potatoes, small
potatoes." Al, you remember --
Al breathes loudly.
ED
Wait a minute. I thought you
didn't know Al, 'til after Dad
left.
Pause. Even the repairman pokes his head out of the
refrigerator.
ED (CONT' D)
Oh my God. You and Al were -
and that's why you threw him out.
JEANETTE
He had a woman in my own bed!
And how dare you call him "Dad"
in front of Al.
(shakes Al by the
shoulder)
This is your father. This is who
was there for you when you needed
someone.
AL
Jeanette, you're hurting me.
ED
(on the defensive)
I'm not -- I didn't -- Al, you
know how I feel about you...
Al breathes loudly.
ED (CONT'D)
(uncomfortably)
If I don't call you "Dad" it'
just because...
1 was already a big boy when you
came into our lives --
(pointedly to his
mother)
or when I thought you came into
our lives --
JEANETTE
And what did he come back now
for?
ED
Who?
JEANETTE
Hank! All of a sudden. Because
now you're famous and he can get
something from you. I don't wan
you to become a victim like
Marcia.
(to the TV)
Not that you're a victim, honey.
You're not. Life's just been a
little hard on you, sweetie.
ED
(to Al)
What do you think. I mean
about... him. Should I just...
have nothing to do with him? I
mean...
AL
(to Ed)
Have I ever said a bad word to
you about your father?
ED
No.
AL
Well, now I will. He was a crazy
mean, son-of-a-bitch.
Al starts to wheel himself out. Ed looks weary.
AL (CONT'D)
But he was your father.
127 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
He's asleep.
128 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
They're monitoring him. They see Ed WAKE UP. They stir.
Sleepy, and scratching his ass, he goes into the bathroom.
129 INT. BATHROOM
Ed shuts the door. He takes his PORTABLE PHONE OUT of a
bathroom drawer. (He stashed it there.) He makes a call and
waits.
ED
(whispering)
Hi... it's me, Ed. It's been two
days, I want to see you... No, I
won't let them follow me, I'11
sneak out... No it's not allowed,
but I'm going for it... I'm on my
way.
He takes CLOTHING OUT of the bathroom hamper.
until he finds something acceptable.
130 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
They're monitoring the empty bed.
131 INT. BATHROOM
Ed is dressed. He CLIMBS OUT his bathroom window.
132 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER
Shari opens her front door.
ED
Hi.
She looks down the hallway.
ED (CONT'D)
They're not here.
He goes in, grabs her and kisses her passionately.
SHARI
I tried to tell you over the
phone -- my parents went to
Atlantic City.
ED
So?
SHARI
So my little brother's staying
here. I'm sleeping with Rita.
ED
Oh Je -- couldn't he sleep with
Rita? We'11 all have a good
time.
SHARI
I'm sorry.
ED
Come on, let's go.
SHARI
Where?
ED
Somewhere.
133 INT. ED'S CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER
They get in. They look at each other.
ED
Do you want to go to a motel?
SHARI
I feel like a criminal or, like
we're cheating on someone.
ED
(nicely)
Just... just relax. Okay? We
won't do anything. We'11 just
sit here for a while.
SHARI
Okay.
ED
Come on...
Gently he puts his arm around her. At first, she hesitates,
but then curls up against him and relaxes.
ED (CONT'D)
I need to talk.
SHARI
Are you all right?
ED
She lied to me. I mean all my
life, she's telling me one story
and then... it turns out to be a
completely different story. Come
to me at some point -- tell me
the truth. No. Not in my house.
The truth is a stranger. And
this is why Ray and Marcia are
the way they are. Marcia gets
involved with all these losers
and sees no problem with herself -
"How do they find me" she says.
Ray cheats on you and then blames
me for it. I'm the only one in
the family who takes any
responsibility for himself... Oh,
man... Are you all right?
SHARI
(hesitantly)
Yeah... I saw that girl come on
to you at the TV show.
ED
Oh that was... no, I ... she just
kind of trapped me into giving
her a ride. It's you. I want
you.
SHARI
...yeah?
He TOUCHES her. They KISS. Then again. Their hands are
roaming. They're hot. They're breathing hard. He's
unbuttoning her blouse. Their hands are all over each other.
Her blouse comes off. LIGHTS GO ON. They see cameras,
shooting at them. Shari SCREAMS and covers her breasts.
134 INT. TV - DAY
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Good morning. Welcome to another
day of Ed TV. Last night, while
most of us were asleep ... this
happened.
135 INT. FRAT HOUSE - MORNING
FOUR GUYS in a disgustingly messy room, watching the replay of
Ed and Shari.
FRAT GUYS
Yes!!
They GYRATE LEWDLY.
136 EXT. STREET - DAY
Shari is working. Ed is following her around. Shari is ANGRY.
The cameras are there.
SHARI
Get them away from me.
She takes PACKAGES OUT OF the TRUCK and THROWS them at the
cameramen.
ED
It's not their fault.
SHARI
No. It's your fault.
She throws a package at him.
ED
What do you want me to do? You
want me to quit the show?!
SHARI
No... Could you?
ED
No. If I quit I don't get the
balloon payment.
SHARI
The what?
ED
Ray borrowed this whole tub of
money against this balloon
payment that I don't get if I qu --
it's too complicated. I -- Besides...
SHARI
What?
Pause.
ED
You see how people look at me.
Like when they ask for my
autograph or say "Hi" to me...
It's like I'm a basketball player
or a... you know, like I'm
someone.
SHARI
Everybody's someone.
ED
Well, yeah, everybody's someone.
But I mean someone they want to
be. I mean let's face it, I'm
working in the video store, no
one's coming in saying "oh, I
wish I was that guy. 1 wish
was rewinding that huge pile of
tapes." At least for a month
I'm not just a guy with a name
tag. I'm famous.
A GUY YELLS from across the street.
GUY
Shari! Nice nipples.
ED
And so are you.
GUYS keep YELLING "Shari!"
She tries to go after them. Ed holds her back.
SHARI
I don't want to be famous for
getting caught with my shirt off.
If I'm going to be famous --
The camera is right in her face. She grabs it.
SHARI (CONT'D)
(to the camera person)
This is going right up your ass.
ED
Come on.
He returns the camera.
Shari starts for her truck.
SHARI
Look... maybe we just better put
us on hold until this is over.
She gets in her truck.
ED
Come on! Loosen up.
(trying to joke)
See -- this is why seventy-one
per cent of the people don't like
you.
She SLAMS the TRUCK DOOR.
ED (CONT'D)
It was a joke! A... vicious,
thoughtless stupid joke.
He bangs himself in the head.
She drives away.
He BOWS.
ED (CONT'D)
(to the camera)
And that, for you kids out there,
is how you screw up a relationship.
137 INT. ED'S APARTMENT
Ed enters. He's worn out. He plops down, and puts on the TV.
ED
(to the camera)
I'm gonna watch anything but me.
Ed is flipping stations. Something makes him stop.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Coming in two weeks to the
Lifestyle Channel -- Joma. His
Dad's a cop, his brother's a
bouncer in a topless bar, his
sister is a black-belt social
worker -- and Joma's living with
two gals.
ANGLE ON THE TV
We see JOMA. He has a lot of charisma. He seems a little
dangerous, but in an exciting way.
JOMA
Hey, Ed! I'm coming to get you,
man! I'm gonna eat you right up!
(makes gobbling-up
noises)
ANGLE ON ED
Watching. He's stunned.
138 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
They're watching a tape of Ed TV. Ed has just entered his own
apartment. A WOMAN is there, sitting on his sofa. She's
caressing Ed's undershorts against her cheek. Ed is highly
agitated.
ED
How did you get into my
apartment?!
The BODYGUARD is pulling her out.
REVEAL that Scharlach, McIlvaine, Seaver, Cynthia and Greg are
all watching.
McILVAINE
What is she holding?
GREG
(calmly)
A pair of Ed's underwear.
McILVAINE
Oh my God!
ON the TAPE, the woman while being forcibly evicted, offers
the underwear to Ed. Ed recoils.
ED
No -- keep it.
WOMAN
I love you! 1 want to marry you!
She's hauled out. They stop the tape.
SCHARLACH
See -- that's television! This
other thing, this Jama, that has
"stink" written all over it.
GREG
The break-up with Shari was very
big. Big ratings.
SEAVER
Only, Cynthia, seriously. Tell
Ed not to sneak out anymore.
SCHARLACH
Cynthia ...
He wants it accomplished.
139 EXT. STREET - DAY
SEAVER (CONT'D)
It's in violation of his contract
and if we wanted to be hard-nosed
about it, he could forfeit all
pay, including money he's already
received.
CYNTHIA
(dutifully, but a tad
resentfully)
I will see that he's properly
threatened.
SCHARLACH
Now what? What's on the young
man's agenda? We don't want to
see him sitting around like a
lovesick puppy.
GREG
Young males do not want to see Ed
get back with Shari.
SCHARLACH
(impatiently)
Enough with her. That sailed.
McILVAINE
Could Ed live with two girls?
GREG
You know who the audience is
requesting a lot? That girl,
Jill, that Ed met at the
Letterman show. She really
scored.
SCHARLACH
Cynthia...
He wants it accomplished.
139 EXT. STREET - DAY
Ed is walking from his car to a building. CROWDS are behind
barricades. They YELL at Ed as he passes. Ed is used to this.
140 INT. SHARI'S BUILDING - DAY
Rita OPENS the door and sees Ed.
RITA
(nervously)
Oh. Ed.
ED
Hi. Is Shari here?
RITA
No.
ED
What is she, at work?
RITA
She left.
ED
Well, when will she be back?
RITA
She won't.
ED
What are you talking about?
RITA
She left. She moved. She got
Fed-Ex to give her a transfer and
she left. She couldn't stand it
anymore. We had people, news
people, regular people, just
sleeping in our hallway, going
through our mail, our garbage.
I mean it was she couldn't
take it anymore. Now I've got to
move. I can't afford this place
by myself.
ED
I'm sorry. Where'd they send
her?
RITA
She wouldn't tell me.
141 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
He's off the air. He's a little down. He's ON the PHONE-
INTERCUT WITH:
142 INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM
She's working out an a contraption.
ED
Remember when you were
interviewing me?
(details to follow)
143 EXT. PARK - DAY
CYNTHIA
Yeah.
ED
You asked me if I had a dream.
I said "Sure, I have a dream. I
just don't know what it is yet."
CYNTHIA
Great line.
ED
What if Shari's the dream?
CYNTHIA
Ed, do you want my advice?
ED
Yeah, that's why I called. I
mean, maybe Fed-Ex would tell me
where she moved --
CYNTHIA
Leave her be.
ED
You said a woman likes to be
pursued.
CYNTHIA
Pursued, not harassed. Give it
some space. Can I tell you
something -- as a friend? My
sister was going with a guy
they hit a little rough spot
they started seeing other people
they got back together and last
month they had their third child
For what it's worth.
OPEN ON ANDY, Ed's half-Asian nephew. He's eight. He's
wearing a baseball glove.
ANDY
Throw me a high one, Uncle Eddie.
ED (O.C.)
Okay.
REVEAL ED, also wearing a baseball glove. He throws a high pop
up to Andy. Andy staggers around and almost catches it.
ED
Oh!!
JILL (0.C.)
We have to stop meeting like
this.
ED
Hm?
REVEAL JILL, walking a DOG. it takes just a second to
recognize her.
ED (CONT'D)
Oh, hi.
Ed is hit with the ball.
ANDY
Sorry.
REVEAL the Real TV Staff watching this on television in their
office. As Ed and Jill chat in the background.
ALICE
(to Cynthia)
Did you arrange this?
CYNTHIA
(points to the TV)
Whose dog is that?
ALICE
(surprised)
That's your dog.
Cynthia doesn't even smile.
MONTAGE
INTERSPERSED IN THE MONTAGE ARE SHOTS OF PEOPLE
WATCHING THEM ON TV
1. Ed and Jill going into a chic club -- ushered in
immediately. Here, as in the other times we see her, Jill is
comfortable with the situation. She's the opposite of Shari.
She poses willingly. She chats easily with paparazzi. She
clings to Ed. There's nothing overt or obnoxious about her.
She's just comfortable and good at it and always looks great.
2. INTERVIEW with the guys who didn't like Shari.
GUY #1
Way to go, Ed!
GUY # 2
Now, we're talking!
3. A N.Y. Post story:
"Readers Pick Jill over Shari."
Pictures of both women. Jill looks great. Shari is in her
uniform and looks like a mouse.
4. SHARI
In a new apartment. Watching Ed and Jill on TV. She's very
unhappy. She turns it off.
5. Ed and Jill at the nice restaurant he was at with Shari
earlier. It looks like he's starting to like her.
6. Ed is refereeing a pro-wrestling match. He counts out the
villain who, then, jumps up and chases him out of the ring.
144 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
"DAY 47"
Ed and Jill are in a HEAVY LIPLOCK. Carlos is right there with
the camera. Unlike Shari, Jill seems unself-conscious. She's
getting Ed pretty turned-on.
SHOTS of VIEWERS, also turned on, especially the men.
JILL
You want to?
It's clear what she means. Ed is conflicted. He's clearly
aroused.
ED
Um... It's kind of ...
He looks for his watch on the wrong wrist, then seems to check
all around his body until he discovers it.
JILL
Are you busy tomorrow night?
ED
No.
JILL
Why don't you come over. And
I'11 make dinner. And you bring
a movie. And ... We'11 make a
night of it ... okay?
ED
(nervously)
Sure.
145 EXT. STREET - DAY
Written on the screen -- "Day 48"
Ed is walking, the camera following. He looks tense. People
SHOUT "Hey, Ed" "Ed-die" etc.
ANGLE ON A NEWSPAPER VENDING MACHINE
The New York Post front page -- "Is tonight the Night?" with a
picture of Ed and Jill kissing.
ANGLE ON ED
ED
Oh man...
CON ED GUY
Hey, Eddie.
Ed looks up.
CON ED GUY (CONT'D)
(giving the "thumbs
up")
Go for it!
Ed continues down the street. People YELL to him "Good luck
tonight," "We're rooting for you" etc.
A STREET CHARACTER walks alongside for a minute.
STREET CHARACTER
Hey, man. This is Haitian Love Juice.
(he produces a vial)
You give her this, she be yours.
Security grabs him and the vial falls and breaks. The liquid
hits the pavement and smokes up.
ED
(looking at the smoke)
Jesus!
More shouts "Be gentle", "We'11 be watching", "Use a condom" etc.
A SCHOOL BUS passes. The KIDS YELL out the window to Ed.
KIDS
(in unison)
Good luck!
146 EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT
There is no line. At TICKET TAKER sits, bored. No one is
going in or coming out.
147 EXT. STREET
It's deserted.
148 EXT. RESTAURANT
It's empty. The HEADWAITER stands in the doorway with nothing
to do.
149 INT. LIVING ROOM
A PARTY is in progress. The TV is on. On TV Ed is in a liquor
store, buying a bottle of wine. Ed is dressed for his date.
The people at the party are watching TV and commenting. It's
like a Super bowl party.
VOICE (O.C.)
What's he doing?
PARTYGOER
He's buying wine!
150 INT. BEDROOM
Several high-school age BOYS. They have made themselves look
like Ed. They're very excited.
TEEN-AGE BOY #1
You think he's gonna do it?
TEEN-AGE BOY #2
Hell yeah. The guy hasn't had
any sex in six weeks.
TEEN-AGE BOY #3
Neither have we.
151 EXT. STREET
Ed's car turns the corner and he sees a CROWD gathered around Jill's
building.
152 EXT. BUILDING
ED
(understating)
I'm starting to feel a little
pressure.
Ed carrying his wine enters to APPLAUSE and CHEERS.
153 EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET
A LONG SHOT encompasses all the houses on the block. Their
living room TV's are visible. All but one are tuned to Ed.
154 INT. JILL'S KITCHEN
Something is cooking. Jill picks up a plate of something -
dip and cut vegetables for instance. She starts to exit the
kitchen as Ed and Carlos enter. Ed and Jill have a soft
collision.
JILL
Oh.
ED
Can I help with anything?
JILL
No. It's going to be about a
half-hour.
ED
What is? Oh, dinner!
SELF-CONSCIOUSLY. He takes a vegetable, dips it and eats it.
ED (CONT'D)
Mm.
JILL
Good?
ED
Mm.
They look at each other. Jill leans forward and kisses him.
She puts the tray of vegetables on the counter. They continue
to kiss.
155 INT. BEDROOM
The high school boys are CHANTING.
156 INT. DORM ROOM
BOYS
Ed -- Ed -- Ed -- Ed...
COLLEGE GIRLS (same ones as before).
COLLEGE GIRL #1
Oh, I hope she makes love to him!
COLLEGE GIRL #2
I thought you didn't like her.
COLLEGE GIRL #1
I don't, but I want him to be
happy-
RAPID SHOTS of other VIEWERS, watching, transfixed --
157 INT. JILL'S APARTMENT
Ed and Jill are making out. They begin taking each other's
clothes off. They're passing the point of no return. It's
going to happen right there in the kitchen.
Ed and Jill, in heavy heat, back up to the kitchen table and
climb on to it. They continue to pull at their own and each,
other's clothing. They're making passionate noises.
158 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
Shari is not watching television. She's eating a little meal
she's made for herself. She HEARS PEOPLE in her building
cheering and whooping. She looks miserable.
159 INT. CONTROL TRUCK
DIRECTOR
(slightly panicky)
Someone say the word, how far can
we go here?
160 INT. REAL TV OFFICE
Cynthia and her staff are watching. Cynthia is ON THE PHONE-
CYNTHIA (into phone)
Stay with them ... don't leave
yet... not yet ...
Jill is on top of Ed. Carried away with passion, Ed attempts
to roll her over and get on top. He does, but rolls too far.
He crashes off the table, to the floor, face up.
ED
(in pain)
Ohhh...
JILL
Ed?
ED
Ohh... do you own a cat?
JILL
Yeah. Why?
He looks at her apologetically.
161 EXT. JILL'S BUILDING
Ed is being loaded into an AMBULANCE. He looks humiliated.
PEOPLE in the street are applauding politely as if Ed were an
injured ballplayer being carried off the field. Jill is by the
ambulance. She's PETTING a CAT who looks all right.
PHOTOGRAPHERS are taking her picture. She's posing willingly.
The ambulance drives off as Jill continues to pose.
162 INT. TV STUDIO
Written on the screen -- "Day 49"
The taping of "The Tonight Show" or "the Late Show" -- once
again, whichever we have a prayer of getting. The MONOLOGUE is
in progress.
JAY (OR DAVE)
(mock annoyed)
So I guess you were all watching
Ed last night.
The AUDIENCE goes wild.
JAY (CONT'D)
This got the highest rating of
the year, since the Super Bowl.
I guess that makes sense. After
all, Ed is now the Buffalo Bills
of sex.
BIG LAUGHS
163 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Scharlach EATING. He's stunned.
SCHARLACH
What?!
REVEAL CYNTHIA
CYNTHIA
Take him off the air.
SCHARLACH
What are you talking about? He's
fine. He's out of the hospital
already. The ratings are higher
than ever.
CYNTHIA
I'm telling you, it's peaked. Ed
TV is an over-inflated balloon.
Get it off before it explodes all
over us.
He thinks.
SCHARLACH
With all due respect, Cynthia
you're nuts. I'm giving him
another month!
CYNTHIA
(coldly)
Good luck.
164 EXT. STREET - DAY
"DAY 54"
Ed is walking. He's wearing a white, Velcro support around his
waist. He's agitated. He's carrying a copy of the New York
Post.
ED
Look at this!
WE SEE a headline -- "Ed: She Broke My heart."
ED
She did not!
(venting)
You know what she did?
ED (CONT'D)
She went out to California and
got one of those scandal agents.
One of those agents who handle,
like... Gennifer Flowers and...
Kato Kaelin and Joey Buttafuco.
That's what she --
A GUY YELLS AT ED
GUY
Hey Ed! ... She was a little too
much for you, huh? Must run in
the family.
ED
(angry)
Oh -- like this guy's ever been
with a woman.
(yells)
How about I kick your ass 'til
the crack goes the other way?
(to the camera)
All of a sudden, I'm like fair
game for everyone. I'm like --
He stops and looks like he's in shock. He stares in through
the display window of a bookstore.
ANGLE ON,
a big DISPLAY of cheap, rushed-out, exploitation books. On the
cover we read "My Brother Pissed On Me By Raymond L. Pekurny.11
And there's an old photo of two little boys. (Ed and Ray)
ED
Oh my -- He wrote a book?! Ray
wrote a book?! He never read a
book!
165 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
"DAY 58"
It's the hallway of a cheap hotel. Ed and the camera come off
the elevator. Ed looks at room numbers. He can HEAR the noise
from all the rooms. A radio -- a domestic disturbance -- a
baby crying -- it's a horror. He KNOCKS ON a door.
HANK (O.C.)
Who is it?
ED
It's Ed.
The door opens REVEALING Ed's father.
HANK
Ed! Come in -
They enter.
166 INT. HOTEL ROOM
It's depressing. There's a liquor bottle on the dresser. Ed
sees it.
HANK (CONT'D)
How've you been?
Ed SHRUGS.
HANK (CONT'D)
They don't get cable here, so 1
can't watch you.
Ed just GRUNTS.
Hank takes LAUNDRY off a chair.
HANK (CONT'D)
Sit down.
He does. He looks around.
HANK (CONT'D)
Quite a shithole, isn't it?
ED
It could be, if you fixed it up.
How did you... ? I mean how does
anyone ... wind up like this?
HANK
I was in jail.
ED
The whole time? Eighteen years?
HANK
No. Two times.
ED
What...
HANK
Check forging.
ED
Oh, man! So...
HANK
The last two years, I've been a
limousine driver, but I don't see
well anymore, so...
ED
So you saw me on TV and you said
"Hey, let me jump on this."
HANK
I need help. How many times if
just one little thing that I
needed would've happened, it
would've changed everything. If
I had a few dollars when an
opportunity came along or... the
tumblers just never clicked for
me.
Ed doesn't know what to say. He's bitter towards Hank, but
there's also some empathy.
ED
(to the camera)
All right... This is my father,
I don't know what the hell he can
do, but if anyone out there can
help him -- get him a job -
I'11 ... help you. I'11 ...
mention your business or ... I
don't know, we'11 figure it out.
(quickly, to Hank)
I gotta go.
HANK
Ed... I'm sorry.
ED
(still bitter)
Yeah? That's good. Sorry is
good. You know I finished that
model.
HANK
What...
ED
The pirate ship.
Hank looks blankly at him.
ED (CONT'D)
-- That we were doing "together."
I finished it. It came out great!
Because no one was standing over
my shoulder bothering me -
"That's too much glue. You're
using too much glue."
HANK
Do you still have it?
ED
No. Ray sat on it. I'11 see you.
He exits. Out in the hallway, he leans back against the door,
drained. The camera is right on him, soaking it up.
167 INT. TV STUDIO
The same PBS-type panel of smart-looking people we met earlier.
WE OPEN ON about half the panel.
MODERATOR
Let's hear from our guest
panelist. You've expressed some
interesting thoughts on this,
subject. What do you see as the
meaning, if there is any, of Ed
TV, John.
REVEAL JOHN, sitting comfortably on the panel, looking very
wise.
JOHN
I feel that Ed is the apotheosis
of a prevailing American
syndrome. It used to be that
someone became famous because
they were special. Now people
are considered special just for
being famous. Fame, itself, is
now a moral good in this country.
It's its own virtue.
The others NOD appreciatively as John puts a PIPE in his mouth.
TV INTERVIEWS
OLD GUY
I was Ed's Little League coach.
He had no coordination. The big
game, he struck cut with the
bases loaded. Then he cried like
a woman. It was sickening.
CUT TO:
OLD WOMAN
I was his third grade teacher.
I said "Take him for tests.
There's something wrong with
him." They didn't listen.
CUT TO:
ANOTHER GUY
He used to steal things from my
store. At least I think it was
him. Yeah, it was probably him.
168 EXT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY
A MAN, on the sidewalk, has a STUFFED CAT stuck to his back to
tease Ed.
CAT MAN
Hey, look, I just fell off a
table!
Suddenly, a TUBFUL OF WATER crashes down on him.
169 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Ed at the window, with a now empty plastic tub.
ED
(yelling down)
Okay, is that funny?
Then he throws the tub out the window.
ED (CONT'D)
(to the camera)
How was that? Was that funny?!
170 INT. NETWORK OFFICE
"DAY 78"
Again, everyone there, including Cynthia. A Honcho is reading
a report.
HONCHO #1
Of more concern than the sag in
Ed's ratings is what viewers are
feeling about him now. The
positives are down and the
negatives are up.
There's a feeling that Ed isn't
cool anymore. We're starting to
see a big L.F.
GREG
Hm?
HONCHO #1
L.F. Loser Factor.
HONCHO #2
That's deadly.
McILVAINE
Not necessarily. I mean instead
of running from the L.F., run
with it. Create more moments
like the table thing. We can
package a video "Ed's Goofiest
Moments." Let him be America's
Goofball.
CYNTHIA
Isn't this getting kind of
pathetic. I mean we drank the
juice, now we're just licking
peel. Let it go!
SCHARLACH
Cynthia, I think you're laboring
under a misconception. You seem
to believe that because you
happened to predict this, we
should be impressed. We're not.
Anybody in any business can
predict failure. 1 need people
who prevent failure. I want to
see this thing turned back in the
right direction. Remember this
was your baby.
171 INT. BAR - NIGHT
"DAY 94"
Tad and Barry -- as we met them, originally -- are watching TV.
They're really enjoying it -- laughing, pounding the table.
TAD
I don't know, I still love this guy.
BARRY
Yeah only I wish they had the
sister on more.
TAD
Ooh, the sister! She is hot.
BARRY
You know it.
REVEAL that they are watching Joma. On the TV -- Joma is
eating dinner in his apartment with TWO attractive WOMEN, who,
apparently, both live there. Joma is upset (but he's funny
when he's upset). What's upsetting him is that across the
alley, in a window of another building, he can plainly see an
OVERWEIGHT MAN, with his shirt off, exercising. The overweight
man is apparently watching an exercise video and is bouncing up
and down in place causing everything to jiggle unpleasantly.
JOMA'S FRIEND
Ignore him.
JOMA
I can't! It's like a mudslide.
(screams out the
window)
Put on a shirt!
ANGLE ON TAD AND BARRY, HYSTERICAL
ANGLE ON TV
JOMA (CONT'D)
(yelling)
I support the fact that your
exercising but, for the love of
God, put on a shirt.
JOMA'S FRIEND
(to Joma)
Shut the curtains.
JOMA
No! Let him shut the curtains.
TAD AND BARRY
Laughing and wiping their eyes.
172 INT. ED'S BEDROOM
Off the air. Ed ON the PHONE.
INTERCUT WITH CYNTHIA
ED
This Joma is so phoney! I mean,
those things aren't really
happening. I think they have
writers making that stuff up for
him. Hey, couldn't we do that?
Hire some writers and have them
write up some crazy situations I
could get into?
She's listening, amazed.
CYNTHIA
Ed, everything goes off.
"Cheers" went off. "Mash" went off --
ED
(getting angry)
Yeah, but when they went off
people weren't making fun of
them. They weren't bozos! I'm
Pumpkin Ass again!
CYNTHIA
(getting annoyed)
Ed --
ED
You know, everything you asked me
to do I did. I call you for
advice about Shari you say -
(mocking imitation)
"Leave her be, see other people
for a while." You just wanted me
to get involved with Jill because
it made for a better show.
CYNTHIA
Ed --
ED
No. You screwed up my life just
so you could get higher ratings.
You never gave a shit about me.
CYNTHIA
Yeah? Well I'm not starting now.
She HANGS UP and has an acid reflux.
173 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT
Ed and John are playing.
JOHN
Look, you put anybody on TV
sixteen hours a day, at some
point they're going to wind up
rolling off a table on to a cat.
I mean with no privacy, there's
no... dignity.
Ed thinks.
Pause.
ED
You know about that fireman who
rescued that little girl?
JOHN
When? Today?
ED
No! Like, ten years ago. In
Texas. Baby...
(tries to remember)
Jessica!
JOHN
Oh right, right! She fell down,
like a...
ED
Yeah, a thing. He became a big
hero. He was on TV and there was
a parade and a movie about him
JOHN
Right, right...
ED
And then, uh... you know it blew
over and he went back to being a
fireman again.
JOHN
(cheerfully)
Right.
ED
So he killed himself.
JOHN
(a little shaken)
Oh.
SILENCE. The cell phone RINGS.
Ed PICKS UP the phone.
ED
Hello.
INTERCUT WITH JEANETTE IN A HOSPITAL
She's crying.
JEANETTE
Eddie...
ED
Mom?
JEANETTE
I'm at the hospital.
ED
What's the matter?!
JEANETTE
He's dead! Eddie, he's dead! It
was his heart.
ED
Oh God. What hospital?
JEANETTE
St. Joseph's.
ED
I'm coming right over. I'll be right there.
He hangs up.
174 INT. TAD'S HOUSE
Tad is watching TV and talking an the phone.
TAD
I told you! I told you he was
gonna die!
175 INT. HOSPITAL - AN HOUR LATER
Ed rushes in. He goes up to the desk. Carlos is with him.
ED
Hi. I'm looking for my mother.
Her name is --
A DOCTOR spots him.
DR. GELLER
Mr. Pekurny.
ED
Yes?
DR. GELLER
I'm Dr. Geller. Your mother is
just lying down for a few
minutes. we gave her something
to calm her down.
ED
Thank you. Can I see her?
DR. GELLER
Just wait here. She's coming
right back out.
ED
Mm...
(wearily)
Oh, man...
DR. GELLER
(sympathetically)
ED
What about him -- did he suffer
any or was it quick? I'd hate to
think he...
DR. GELLER
Very quick. Between you and me,
it's not a bad way to go. Making
love to your wife... it's very
sweet.
ED
Really? They were..
DR. GELLER
(nods)
According to your mother. When
the paramedics got to the hotel,
she told them that --
ED
Hotel? What were they doing in
a hotel?
DR. GELLER
I ... don't know. I ...
VOICE (O.C.)
Eddie. Thank God you're here.
Eddie looks across the room and sees Al in his wheelchair, just
entering from outside. He wheels towards Ed.
AL
How's your mother?
ED
(shocked)
Al!
AL
Our neighbors gave me a ride.
ED
Al!!
AL
Where is she? Is she all right?
Ed turns to the doctor.
ED
I thought -- I thought he was dead.
DR. GELLER
Who?
ED
Al!
DR. GELLER
No.
(reads his chart)
The deceased is ... Henry Pekurny.
176 INT. TAD'S HOUSE
TAD
(stunned)
Good twist!
177 INT. HOSPITAL
AL
You thought it was me?
ED
Yes!
AL
It's your father. Hank. Your
mother went to see him and he had
a heart attack.
ED
Went --
Again, Ed turns to the doctor.
NURSE
Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack wants to see you.
DR. GELLER
(to Ed)
Excuse me.
NURSE
(to Ed)
Could I get your autograph for my niece?
ED
(distracted)
Um... yeah...
Jeanette enters.
JEANETTE
Al! How did you --
AL
The Burkharts drove me. Are you
all right?
JEANETTE
(nervously)
I'm fine. I ...
AL
Good. I gotta pee.
He wheels off. Jeanette and Ed are left alone.
ED
(loud whisper)
What happened?
JEANETTE
It was horrible. He called me up.
ED
Who?
JEANETTE
Hank! He said he wanted to talk
to me to apologize for everything
he begged -- he cried.
So I went to this horrible hotel
he was staying in... I felt so
sorry for him --
ED
So you had sex with him?
Jeanette GASPS.
JEANETTE
What?
ED
The doctor said you were having sex.
JEANETTE
(horrified)
To you? In front of him?
(indicates Carlos)
With the...
ED
Yes. He assumed Hank was your
husband. He didn't know.
JEANETTE
Oh my god! On TV!
ED
Why? How...
JEANETTE
One thing led to another. He was
my husband once.
ED
But Al is your husband now!
JEANETTE
Do you think it's been easy for
me? It's been years. Al can't
have sex.
ED
Apparently, neither can Hank.
What the hell did you do to him?
Al comes rolling back, SINGING.
AL
"Lovely Rita, the Meter Maid...
178 INT. TV STUDIO
JEANETTE
(whispers)
Don't tell Al. He doesn't know.
ED
(points to the camera)
Well, he's the only one in
America who doesn't!
OPRAH or RICKI or GERALDO or someone.
OPRAH
Women who remarry but have sex
with their first husbands. on
today's Oprah.
179 INT. TV STUDIO
Our same panel of pundits.
PANELIST #3
Ed's family is the tip of the
iceberg. You watch the daytime
tabloid shows it's the same
thing. I'm telling you, America
is fast becoming a trailer park.
PANELIST #2
Let's not overstate the case.
There are millions of hard-
working, sensible, moral,
educated people in this country.
Not every family is like Ed's.
REVEAL ED watching this discussion on TV.
180 INT. TV STUDIO
DAVE OR JAY
A CHART is set up with little pictures.
DAVE/JAY
So let's recap. The mother's too
good at it, both brothers stink
at it.
(there's a drawing of
a figure falling of
a table)
The stepfather can't do it at
all and the father did it but it
killed him.
(there's a drawing
of a tombstone)
How did this family ever reproduce
in the first place?
181 EXT. CEMETERY GATES - DAY
Ed is driving Jeanette and Al to the funeral. A CROWD is held back by
POLICE. Someone yells "Adulterer". Someone else tries to offer Ed a
lunchbox. Someone else is carrying a sign "What a Way to Go".
182 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Hank's COFFIN is being carried to his gravesite. Ed, Ray and Marcia
are pall bearers. One of the others pall bearers is Ed's BODYGUARD.
The OTHERS TWO are two guys who work for the mortuary. Carlos is
shooting.
ED
(to Ray)
You're not going to talk to me?
You're not even gonna say hello?
RAY
I have nothing to say to you.
Ed gives up. He turns to Marcia.
ED
How are you doing? Is Cliff here?
She doesn't answer. Ed reacts.
RAY
Cliff left her, thanks to you.
ED
Me?!
RAY
That's right. You put Cliff on
television. So then he decided he
was too good for her and he left.
ED
I put his -- who --
(to Marcia)
Look, Marsh, he's not that good
a singer, he'll be back.
MARCIA
(too loudly)
That's not funny!!
Ed CRINGES.
183 EXT. GRAVESITE - A LITTLE LATER
The service ends. The small group begins to walk away. Ray
and Marcia go off together, ignoring Ed. Jeanette is
attempting to wheel Al away from the grave, but she's hitting
ruts. Ed approaches.
ED
I'11 take it.
JEANTTE
(to Al, uncomfortably)
Sweetheart, I'm gonna go ahead
and sign all the papers.
AL
Right.
She touches him but he pulls away. Ed wheels Al.
ED
Are things gonna be okay with you
and Mom? Is there anything I can --
AL
I'm moving out.
ED
What?!
AL
I'm going to be living with my
brother. He's not in such good
shape as I am, but... I'm looking
forward to the pillow fights.
ED
(really upset)
Oh, Al ... This is just...
AL
Hank was always good with the
ladies. Always good-looking.
Hell, he's been dead for two
days, he still looks better than
me.
He stops wheeling and crouches down next to Al.
ED
I want to tell you something...
I love you. You're my father.
Pause.
AL
I love you, too.
Al KISSES him.
AL (CONT'D)
I'11 build a pirate ship with
you.
Ed wheels him away.
184 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
She's watching. She's genuinely moved. She wipes her eyes.
185 INT. BAR - NIGHT
This place is sleazy. Ed enters, worn out. He crosses to the
bar where we find, Jeanette nursing a drink. She's not drunk,
but she is wallowing.
ED
Hi, Ma.
JEANETTE
(startled)
Ed! How did you know I was here?
ED
You're famous. Somebody called
me. What are you doing in a
place like this?
JEANETTE
Why shouldn't I be in a place
like this? I'm a whore!
ED
(cringes)
Ma...
JEANETTE
I'm a tramp
(pulls on the sleeve of
the man next to her)
Meet your new father. The whole
nation is laughing at us!
ED
And how is this helping? come on
say, good-night to all your new
friends and let's go home.
JEANETTE
(exiting)
I'm a whore!
(yells at an employee)
Your bathrooms are filthy!
They're out.
186 EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS
Ed is helping Jeanette. Ray arrives. He's ANGRY.
RAY
I'11 take her. You humiliated
our mother on national
television. You've single-
handedly destroyed this family.
ED
I -- Oh, but that book you wrote
was a real love-letter. That...
toilet paper with covers.
BYSTANDER #1
That book sucked. I want my
money back.
ED
Oh great. Where's Moe?
He looks around. Moe is gone.
RAY
Come on, Ma.
ED
(to Ray)
Let's remember how I got into
this. "Please, Eddie, do this
for me. I can't get a break."
(pretends to cry)
RAY
You know what your problem is?
ED
Yeah. My problem is I've got a
brother who writes a sentence
like "We grew up in a small,
little bedroom." As opposed to
a big, little bedroom?
RAY
I got paid by the word! No!
Your problem is you don't ever
want anything to be your fault.
ED
Me?! That's you!
RAY
I commit. I take a chance. You
wanted to be the guy on TV, but
you didn't want to say you wanted
to. So you have me talk you into
it so you get what you want, but
if it goes bad it's not your
fault.
BYSTANDER #2
Right. Like you say you love
Shari, but, you wouldn't mind
noodling that model.
ED
Moe!
BYSTANDER #3
The truth hurts.
ED
Yeah? So does a kick in the
nuts.
RAY
For once in your life, be honest
with yourself. I know you, Ed.
I know you look at me and Marcia
and Mom and you think you're
different.
You're like "How did I end up in
this family?" You're not
different. you're worse.
Because you have no guts.
You drift around, you don't commit,
you make fun of me -- okay. Just
don't kid yourself.
(to Jeanette)
Let's go.
JEANETTE
You're both good boys.
Ray and Jeanette leave.
187 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Ed is there along with Cynthia and the Network Execs. There
are more execs than before. Cynthia's people are not there.
This entire meeting is on ED TV. Cynthia is quiet -
observing. Ed looks whipped.
ED
Three more months?
MR. SCHARLACH
Absolutely! Ed TV is more
popular than ever.
Congratulations.
McILVAINE
Only, Ed, we want you, in the
next few weeks to spend a lot
more time with your family.
ED
You do?
SEAVER
Definitely. Cynthia, explain it to him.
Cynthia just stares at her, COLDLY.
SEAVER (CONT'D)
I'11 do it.
(to Ed)
People want to see what happens
to them now. Do your mother and
step-father get back together?
How does your sister handle being
alone? Your feud with your
brother.
SCHARLACH
In fact, we have a new concept.
Since your family signed
releases, we can follow them on
camera even when you're not with
them. We can cut around from
family member to family member.
Whoever's the most exciting at
that moment.
McILVAINE
And, of course, it's another big
bonus payment for you.
Pause.
ED
A couple of years ago my Uncle
Roy got bit on the ass by a dog.
Silence. What the hell is he talking about?
ED (CONT'D)
So he gave me his tickets to the U.S.
Open -- the tennis matches.
They still have no idea what he's talking about.
ED (CONT'D)
So me and Ray, we tell our
friends "Watch when Andre Agassi
is gonna serve for the first
time. When he's bouncing the
ball and it's real quiet, we'11
yell "Whoop". And you'11 all
hear us."
Pause.
SCHARLACH
I see.
(he doesn't)
ED
You know what that is? It's sad.
I mean it was just so we could be
heard. So we could stand out
from the crowd for a second. So
we did it. But we had nothing to
say. Just "Whoop". That's it.
And the stupid part I mean the
really stupid part is we
thought it like... elevated us
above the crowd. Where the fact
is it made us stupider than the
crowd.
SCHARLACH
I see.
ED
Stop saying "I see." You don't
see. Cynthia, I owe you an
apology.
CYNTHIA
I don't think so.
ED
Yeah. Because, you didn't talk
me into anything. Everything you
wanted me to do, I wanted to do.
188 INT. SHARI'S PLACE
Shari watching Ed TV.
189 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
ED
(to the camera)
Ray, you were right. It's like
in school. I was always saying
"the room was too hot, the
teacher didn't like me" -- but it
was me! Everything that's wrong
with my life I did. Okay? So
now this is it. My family has
problems. Which are our fault.
And TV is not the place to solve
them. So I quit. I'm taking
what very little dignity I've got
left and I quit. Can someone
validate my parking?
Pause. SHOCK.
MR. SCHARLACH
Well, Ed, that's ... not really
possible.
ED
All right, I'11 pay for the
parking. Big network!
Scharlach speaks carefully - gently. He's aware of the camera.
He doesn't want to come off as a villain.
SCHARLACH
No, I mean you can't quit.
Ed thinks.
ED
I can't?
MR. SCHARLACH
(very gently)
Well, no. You agreed to stay on
the air as long as we asked you
to. The station entered into
this on that understanding. If
you had refused we'd have begun
this with somebody else. You
can't just change the rules in
the middle of the game, son.
It's not fair to us. More
importantly, it's not fair to the
viewers. They're interested in
you. They've devoted hours and
days and weeks of their lives to
you.
ED
Look, if you don't let me out of
this... I'11 just... I'11 just
sit in my apartment all day. I
won't go anywhere, I won't do
anything. What kind of show will
that be?
MR. SCHARLACH
Not too good. That's why it
states in your contract that if
you do not continue to live a
normal life, you're in violation
and are liable for the station's
financial losses. Ed, I urge you
to reconsider. I urge you on
behalf of all those people out
there whose lives have become so
entwined with yours. Play fair
with them, Ed.
ED
All right. Let them decide.
He turns right to the camera.
ED (CONT'D)
I'd like you all to do me a
favor. Turn me off. Just grab
the remote and change the
channel. I mean, basically, all
you're watching now is a guy
deteriorate.
The only thing missing is the
smell. You're better than that
Turn me off. Thank you.
190 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
Greg bursts in, carrying a sheet of paper.
GREG
Ratings are up across the board.
Look at this!
(drones on)
Men 18 to 35, women 18 to 35 ...
Cynthia stares, amazed.
191 EXT. STREET
Ed WALKING ZOMBIE-LIKE- CROWDS SWARM.
192 INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY
Ed is with STEVE, a lawyer. Steve has a huge contract on his
desk.
STEVE
This contract you signed? ... It's
a masterpiece. Don't go to war
with these guys. You fart in the
wrong direction they can take
everything you own and leave you
naked by the side of the road.
You ever going to get back with
that Jill? Ooh -- she was nice.
Shari, I didn't like that much
("imitates" a gabby
girl)
"yet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet."
ED
Shut up.
193 INT. DINER - NIGHT
Ed is sitting alone, eating lunch. He's surrounded by cameras
and shielded by BODYGUARDS.
OUTSIDE the diner a CROWD of rubberneckers is out on the
sidewalk, looking in at him, some of them acting up, some just
staring in. Ed is tired. He glances out the window and makes
a MONKEY FACE. Suddenly, he FREEZES.
He sees Shari's face in the crowd. She puts her fist in her mouth.
194 EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Ed and Shari are walking -- on camera.
SHARI
1 bailed. I bailed on you.
ED
Kinda'.
SHARI
It's what I do. I yell
"Geronimo" and jump out of a
relationship.
He laughs.
Pause.
SHARI (CONT'D)
You weren't able to make me feel
safe or secure -- no easy job for
any man, I admit -- and my
problem is, if I think I'm
losing, I pull myself out of the
game. I bail. See? I told you,
I'm the love coroner.
ED
What did you do to your hair?
SHARI
My truck overheated, so I opened
the hood and my hair got caught
in the fan belt. So I had to get
a haircut.
ED
It's nice.
He touches her hair. They leap on each other. They're
KISSING.
195 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Big meeting. Many Honchos, including Scharlach and Cynthia.
All but Cynthia are focused. Cynthia looks bored.
HONCHO #l
I think this could be great.
What if Ed and Shari decide to
get married? A wedding? The
cute, little half-Asian nephew in
a tuxedo, carrying the ring on
one of those big fluffy pillows -
we'11 kill. A sixty share.
A secretary (MILDRED) enters. She's a little flustered.
MILDRED
Um... Mr. Scharlach, um -- you're
not watching TV?
SCHARLACH
No, Mildred, we're working.
MILDRED
Um... Ed -- and Shari are --
SEAVER
Engaged?
MILDRED
No. Here. They're in the
building. They're on their way
up.
Scharlach indicates that he wants someone to turn on the TV.
Someone does and they see Ed and Shari coming down the hall.
They enter the conference room. The cameras, of course, are
with them. Ed is carrying a CARTON.
ED
Hi, kids. Busy?
MUCH CONFUSION
ED (CONT'D)
I just came up to pass out these
Ed TV hats.
He takes a lot of HATS out of the carton and begins placing on
the heads of the Honchos.
ED (CONT'D)
A guy made these up for me. He
spelled Ed with two D's. Okay,
listen. The real reason I came
up here -- and then I'11 get out
of your way -- is I've been
thinking about what you said.
About let's start having more fun
with this show, you know? Let's
give it a big kick in the ass.
HONCHO #1
Well, we were thinking --
ED
(cheerfully)
Shut up.
He takes back that Honcho's hat.
ED (CONT'D)
Let's have a contest. Now this
would mostly be open to
professional investigators and
detectives. But anyone can join
in.
SHARI
(rehearsed)
What do we have to do?
ED
My lovely assistant, Shari. I'm
glad you asked. The contest is
who can dig up -- legally, of
course -- I'm not suggesting
that anyone break any laws --
the most embarrassing and
humiliating facts about any of
the executives here at the North
American Broadcasting System which
owns Real TV.
The Honchos staring blankly.
ED (CONT'D)
But facts! They have to be
verified. Anything from their
past, their present, business,
personal -- arrests, affairs ...
And whoever comes up with the
sleaziest, most degrading
material -- I'11 give you ten
thousand dollars. And you get to
be on Ed TV.
(to the Honchos,
excitedly)
Hah?
SHARI
So act now. Here's Ed's home
phone number.
She holds up a CARD.
196 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
It's packed with LAWYERS and EXECS. Everyone is agitated,
except Cynthia, who seems relaxed-Ed and Shari are gone.
SCHARLACH
Legal?! How can this be legal?
It's defamation! It's slander!
It's...
LAWYER
Not, technically. He is not
showing a reckless disregard for
the truth.
SCHARLACH
You're fired!
The meeting continues ANGRILY.
197 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
The Honchos are watching Ed TV. They look STRAINED, ANXIOUS.
In Ed's home a BANK OF PHONES have been set up like for a
telethon. Manning the phones are Ed, Shari, Ray, Marcia, Al
and Jeanette. The PHONES KEEP RINGING.
RAY
(into phone)
Uh-huh... uh-huh... Really?! She
was how old?
In the conference room one of the Execs looks DIZZY.
The CAMERA PANS to Al on the phone.
AL
(shocked)
He pays a prostitute to do what
to him? I don't even want that
on my shoes.
IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
FEAR and SHOCK, except for Cynthia, who is LAUGHING and can't
stop.
SCHARLACH
Stop laughing or you're fired.
She stops.
Then she gets up.
SCHARLACH (CONT'D)
Where are you going?
CYNTHIA
I've got this great idea. We put
together a video. "The Network
Executives Goofiest Moments." And
listen, i've really loved working
here.
On the word "loved" she shot Scharlach THE FINGER. She exits,
LAUGHING.
198 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ed is off the phone,
ED
Okay. We have a winner. Now
please don't feel badly if yours
wasn't selected. In our eyes,
you're all winners.
RAY
And each contestant gets one of
these.
(holds up a tee-shirt
with writing on it)
An "I tried to screw a network
executive" tee-shirt.
ED
A hundred per cent cotton. Okay,
here we go, Andy.
Ed grabs a sealed ENVELOPE. Andy plays a DRUM ROLL -- not
terribly well.
ED (CONT'D)
Andy's available for executions.
And the winner is ...
As he opens the envelope.
199 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
The Executives staring, HORRIFIED.
200 INT. ED'S APARTMENT
He takes out the card and registers mock-surprise.
ED
Hey, the winner is from right
here in New York city.
Carl Bowers a former orderly at
the Martin Center -- a clinic
that specializes in, what they
call, male enhancement
procedures.
201 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Scharlach's EYES WIDEN in HORROR.
202 INT. ED'S APARTMENT
ED
(to the camera)
How many of you know what a
penile implant is? As it was
explained to me, what happens is--
203 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
As Ed explains, Scharlach reaches for the phone, fumbling it
for a moment.
204 INT. ED'S APARTMENT
ED
And the man of the hour -- the
executive with the winning secret
the man who, thanks to the
miracle of space-age science and
a pump he keeps in his pocket,
can now --
A SHOT OF a television set tuned to Ed. Suddenly Ed is
replaced by a Real TV logo.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And that concludes Real TV's
coverage of Ed TV. Stay tuned
for new programming information.
MUSAK
205 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
206 INT. TV STUDIO
An ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER.
207 INT. TV STUDIO
The PANEL.
208 EXT. CHURCH
ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
A spokesperson for Real TV
announced that Ed received a
check covering his four months on
the air, his balloon payment and
an additional bonus to show the
Network's appreciation for all
his -- quote -- hard work and
loyalty -- unquote. When asked --
CUT TO:
The Panel.
PANELIST #1
In five years no one will even
remember this person.
PANELIST #4
Five years! Six months. He's
the "macarena." He's --
CUT TO:
A NEWS REPORTER is reporting on a wedding.
REPORTER
Marcia Pekurny, the woman known
to most Americans as "Ed's
sister" was married here today to
Carlos Coto, who some of you may
remember as the primary camera
operator on "Ed TV" --
CUT TO:
209 INT. TV STUDIO
A news show.
NEWS ANCHOR
The current rage of "Reality
Television" got a real dose of
reality today. Lifestyle
Televisions Joma was shot this
evening, outside his apartment.
Because Joma was on television
twenty-four hours a day,
Lifestyle's cameras were there to
record the shooting.
WE SEE Joma walking into his building. Somebody steps forward
with a GUN. The ASSAILANT is jostled as he shoots and the
bullet hits Joma in the ass. He falls to the sidewalk.
JOKA
Ohhhh!!! ... my ass! He shot me
in the ass!
The CAMERA PANS to the Assailant, who we might recognize as
someone who we've seen following Ed from time to time.
ASSAILANT
Now I'm famous.
REVEAL Ed and Shari watching this on television.
ED
I know him. I gave him an autograph.
Shari turns it off.
THE END
