"BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DO AMERICA"
by
Mike Judge and Joe Stillman
The movie begins with scenes of people screaming in horror
and running down the streets of a big city. The ground shakes from
what seems like giant footsteps. There are pieces of building
debris falling everywhere, people getting crushed, power lines
coming down, etc. - complete pandemonium. It all looks very much
like a Japanese animated King-Kong or Godzilla movie. We hear the
footsteps getting closer and the ground shaking becomes more
intense - more debris falling. Then we see a HUGE BLACK TENNIS
SHOE come into frame and smash a National Guard truck. As we pan
up, we see the white socks, then the red shorts, the AC/DC T-
shirt, then we hear the familiar, "Huh huh huh." - only it's a
huge sound...this is a THREE-HUNDRED FOOT TALL BUTT-HEAD. "Butt-
Kong" continues his path of destruction - stomping on cars and
buildings and saying, "This is cool. Huh huh huh."
Airplanes and tanks start firing at Butt-Head (Butt-Kong).
He looks irritated and says, "Cut it out butt-munch!" Butt-Head
swats at the planes, sending them crashing to the ground and
stomps on the tanks. Then, something catches his eye. Butt-Head
reaches into a skyscraper and picks up a nice looking woman - a
lot like the one from the King Kong movie. He looks down at her in
his hand and goes wide-eyed, "Whoa! Huh huh huh." The woman
screams in terror as Butt-Head looks down at her and tries a few
lame pick up lines. "Uuuuh...Hey baby. I'm like, pretty tall. Huh
huh huh." He swats down a helicopter that is circling his head,
"Dammit, I'm trying to score!" The helicopter goes down in flames.
We CUT TO some guys sitting on a tank firing at him. They notice
giant footsteps coming from the other direction and turn the tank
around. Through their binoculars we see a THREE-HUNDRED FOOT
BEAVIS coming from the horizon. The giant Beavis is even more
destructive than Butt-Kong (maybe he could be breathing fire).
Beavis starts trying to pick up on Butt-Head's woman. Butt-Head
puts the woman down and he and Beavis begin to go at it, leveling
the city with one of their stupid juvenile smack-fights.
We CROSS-DISSOLVE from three-hundred foot Beavis shaking
Butt-Kong to Butt-Head asleep on the couch with Beavis shaking
him.
INT. B&B'S HOME - DAY
BEAVIS (O.C.)
Butt-Head! Butt-Head! Hey, Butt-Head!
Butt-Head is dead asleep on the couch. Beavis shakes him.
BEAVIS
Butt-Head, wake up, wake up!
Butt-Head comes around.
BUTT-HEAD
Dammit, Beavis, I was about to score.
Huh huh.
BEAVIS
Yeah, but check it out. It's gone!
BUTT-HEAD
What's gone?
BEAVIS
The TV.
Beavis is making STRANGE NOISES, in a state of shock.
Butt-Head rubs his eyes and looks at the empty space where the TV
was.
BUTT-HEAD
Uuuuuuh, huh huh. Uuh,...
Out the window, we see two YOUNG MEN carrying B&B's TV into their
van.
Still on the couch, Butt-Head looks over at the broken window. We
see a CROWBAR lying on the floor, and the front door left open.
Butt-Head looks at the BROKEN WINDOW, at the CROWBAR, the OPEN
DOOR, then back at the EMPTY SPACE where the TV was. He does this
a couple of times - piecing it all together.
BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
Whoa! I think I just figured something
out Beavis.
BEAVIS
What?
BUTT-HEAD
This sucks.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh.
Beavis is still in shock. They both stare at the empty space where
the TV was for a beat, not quite sure what to do.
Beavis is SHAKING AND MAKING WEIRD NOISES. He presses buttons on
the remote a few times, as if it might help somehow.
BUTT-HEAD
This sucks more than anything that
has ever sucked before. We must find
this butt-hole that took the TV.
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Bad neighborhood. 70's music blares.
A fast driving car drives right at us and stops. Punks run in
fear. Beavis hops out of the driver's seat, wearing bell-bottoms,
chain jewelry and a 70's afro. Into a dramatic CLOSE-UP, he takes
off his glasses.
FREEZE ON BEAVIS
ANNOUNCER
Beavis!
FRAME UNFREEZES. Beavis whips out a huge gun.
BEAVIS
Freeze, butt-wipe!
An attacker comes from one side. Beavis uses Judo. Another tosses
a knife. Beavis ducks, then shoots with two hands, police style.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Swinger's pad. Totally 70's. A group of bikini'd girls on a
waterbed. Butt-Head approaches them. He wears a leisure suit,
collar way open. He plops down in the bed.
FREEZE ON BUTT-HEAD
ANNOUNCER
Butt-Head!
FRAME UNFREEZES. The girls wrap their arms around him.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. Come to Butt-Head, baby.
ANNOUNCER
Star in...
MAIN TITLE - FULL FRAME
EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY/NIGHT
ACTION MONTAGE BEGINS. Styled like a 70's cop show opening.
OPENING CREDITS to the movie appear just as cop show credits
would.
Beavis does a Starsky and Hutch-style roll with a gun.
Butt-Head slaps a pimp.
Beavis drives, chasing a car.
Butt-Head is slapped by a girl.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. That was cool.
Beavis and Butt-Head are in a warehouse shoot-out.
A black police chief rises from a desk to yell at B&B.
B&B dive for cover just before a building explodes.
In CLOSE-UP, Beavis smiles for an ID shot.
Butt-Head does the same.
Beavis, in a rooftop fight, kicks his opponent over the edge.
A beautiful woman, back to us, takes off her dress for Butt-Head.
FINAL OPENING CREDIT APPEARS. Butt-Head and the woman fall into
bed. Suddenly...
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY/DOOR TO A.V. ROOM - DAY
From inside, SOUND of equipment crashing.
B&B come out wheeling a TV on one of those carts. There are cables
attached to it still leading back into the A.V. room. As they push
the cart we hear more equipment falling.
BUTT-HEAD
Dammit, it's stuck.
They give it one big push and it finally breaks free. We see that
the cables are tangled with cables from other TVs and VCRs, which
all come crashing to the ground.
BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
Huh huh huh. That was cool.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh. Let's just wheel this
thing back to the house.
INT. SCHOOL/ANOTHER HALLWAY - DAY
MR. VAN DRIESSEN stops B&B.
VAN DRIESSEN
Ah, excuse me boys. What's going on
here?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, someone stole our TV.
BEAVIS
Yeah. We're just gonna use this one.
Get outta the way. Heh heh.
VAN DRIESSEN
I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school.
Mmmkay? You know, this could be a positive
experience for you guys. There's a
wonderful world out there when we discover
we don't need TV to entertain us.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. He said "anus."
BEAVIS
(to himself)
Entert-ain...us...an-us...Oh yeah! Heh
heh. Anus. Heh heh.
VAN DRIESSEN
(frustrated)
Have you guys heard a word I've said?
BUTT-HEAD
Yeah, "anus." Huh huh huh huh.
VAN DRIESSEN
Look, guys, just take the TV back to the
A.V. room right now. And try to be a little
more open-minded. Mmkay?
Van Driessen leaves. B&B continue to wheel the cart home.
BUTT-HEAD
What a dork. Huh huh.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh. He's a anus. Heh heh.
EXT. SCHOOL/STAIRWAY - DAY
B&B arrive with the cart at the top of a stairway. They lamely
attempt to let it slowly down the steps. The cart is too top-heavy
and goes tumbling to the bottom of the stairs, shattering the TV.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. That was cool.
BEAVIS
No it wasn't!
BUTT-HEAD
Uh,...Oh yeah.
B&B stand at the top of the stairs looking down at the wrreckage.
PRINCIPAL McVICKER shows up by the TV.
McVICKER
Why.... You... You bastards... Ge...
get out! You're suspended. One more
screw up... and you're expelled.
B&B walk off laughing.
EXT. THE ANDERSON'S DRIVEWAY - DUSK
B&B walk up. There's a camper in the driveway.
BUTT-HEAD
Whoa, check it out Beavis. I didn't
know Anderson had a Camper.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh. Maybe it has a TV.
Heh heh. TV.
B&B walk up to the camper and start to open the door just as MARCY
ANDERSON opens it. (As usual, she doesn't recognize them.)
MARCY
Oh, hello. Are you guys here to look
at the refrigerator?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, no.
BEAVIS
We're here to look at the TV. Heh heh.
MARCY
Oh, I didn't realize it was broken.
Come on in.
BUTT-HEAD
Cool. Huh huh huh.
B&B walk into the camper. Marcy stays outside.
EXT. ANDERSON'S CAMPER - SAME TIME
Tom is adjusting the trailer-hitch. Marcy watches.
TOM
Well that oughtta hold her. Ya know,
the most important thing you can have
on a camper is a good propane regulator,
and this here's the best one they make.
MARCY
I sure hope we can get the 'fridge fixed
before we leave.
TOM
Now Marcy, we've been savin' for this trip
our whole lives and we're gonna go come
Hell or high water...
Through the camper walls, we hear the faint sound of B&B
AIR/MOUTH-GUITARING "IRON MAN."
TOM (CONT.)
What the hell is that noise?
INT. ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DUSK
B&B watch a "Cops"-type show. Beavis gets up, goes to the
refrigerator and grabs a soda. The refrigerator is under the
counter on which the TV is sitting.
Beavis takes a sip and then does a SPIT TAKE, SPRAYING SODA ALL
OVER THE TOP OF THE TV.
BEAVIS
AAAAAAGH!!! This crap is warm!
ANGLE ON TV: The soda Beavis spit out drips into the inside of the
TV. We see smoke and hear SIZZLING AND SHORT CIRCUIT SFX. The TV
goes dead.
BUTT-HEAD
Beavis, you butt-hole! You broke it.
EXT. ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DUSK
B&B come out. Tom notices them.
TOM
Hey, what's goin' on here?
MARCY
They're here to fix the TV, Tom.
TOM
The TV ain't broken.
BUTT-HEAD
Yeah it is. Huh huh huh.
Tom adjusts his glasses as he looks at B&B.
TOM'S BLURRY P.O.V.: We see B&B out of focus.
TOM
Hey wait a minute. You two look kinda
familiar. Ain't you them kids that've
been whackin' off in my tool shed?
BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh huh huh.
ANGLE ON BEAVIS: looking particularly guilty, eyes shifting back
and forth.
B&B walk off, leaving Tom wondering.
EXT. STREET IN A SEEDY PART OF TOWN - JUST BEFORE DAWN
B&B are having TV withdrawal. Butt-Head is bug-eyed. Beavis has
the shakes bad, arms folded like Dustin Hoffman in "Midnight
Cowboy."
BEAVIS
Nnnnooo. Oooooh nooooo.
BUTT-HEAD
What's your problem Beavis?
BEAVIS
I need TV now! Now! NNNNDAMMIT!!!
Butt-Head stops short. He looks up. His face is bathed in a
golden, throbbing light.
BUTT-HEAD'S P.O.V.: We see a flashing neon sign that says, "TV".
Pull back to show B&B are standing outside the Elite Motel Lodge,
featuring "Color TV" and "Air-Cooled Rooms", with "Special Nap
Rates."
B&B stare up, as if at a god.
BEAVIS
(crazed)
Heh heh. TV. Heh Teee Veee.
EXT. MOTEL COURT - CONTINUOUS
Butt-Head tries the first door. It's locked. He tries the second
door. It's locked. He tries the third door. It opens.
B&B's eyes bulge. Inside, PRINCIPAL McVICKER is lying across the
legs of an obvious prostitute, his pants pulled down. She SPANKS
him.
McVICKER
Please mmm... may I have another?!
B&B LAUGH. McVicker hears and looks up.
McVICKER (CONT.)
Beavis and Butt-Head! Y...y...you
bastards.
BEAVIS
Can we watch your TV?
McVICKER
Y... Y... You're expelled! Get out!
Butt-Head closes the door, laughing, and starts to walk towards
the next door. The muffled sound of a SPANK can be heard followed
by McVicker asking for another.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. That was cool.
BEAVIS
Dammit! I need a TV now! We're missing
everything!
INT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The only light in the room is a flickering TV. Sitting on the bed,
talking on the phone is MUDDY. He's a tough, mean looking red-neck
- a Jack Ruby type.
On the nightstand next to him is a three-quarter drunk bottle of
bourbon and a manila envelope. On his lap is a big gun.
MUDDY
...Are you sure these guys can pull this
off? It's gotta look like an accident...
We hear a knock on the door and muffled B&B laughs.
MUDDY (CONT.)
Hold on a minute. That must be them now.
I'll call you back. (Hangs up phone)...
Come in!
B&B walk in. Muddy turns on the light.
BEAVIS
(sounding suddenly sedated)
Aaaah. TeeeVeeeee, heh heh.
MUDDY
Yer late.
BUTT-HEAD
Why? Did we miss American Gladiators?
MUDDY'S P.O.V.: B&B are a drunken blur.
MUDDY
Well, Earl said you guys were young, but
jeez... Oh well, as long as you can get
the job done. So what are your names?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, Butt-Head.
BEAVIS
Beavis.
MUDDY
That's alright. I'd rather not know your
real names anyways. I'm Muddy. Look, I'm
gonna get right to the point. I'll pay you
ten grand plus expenses, all payable after
you do her...
BUTT-HEAD
(full of innuendo)
Do her? Huh huh.
MUDDY
That's right. I'm offering you ten grand
plus expenses to do my wife. We gotta deal?
Butt-Head stares in shock.
BEAVIS
Actually, we just wanna watch TV...
BUTT-HEAD
Shut up Beavis! Uh, yeah. We'll do your
wife.
BEAVIS
(trembling)
Nnnnaah...We need to watch TV DAMMIT!!!
Butt-Head SMACKS Beavis and pulls him aside.
BUTT-HEAD
Beavis, you butt-munch, this guy wants us
to score with his wife. And he's gonna pay
us. We can buy a new TV.
BEAVIS
Oh, heh heh really? Cool. Heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD
(to Muddy)
Uh, huh huh... We'll do it, sir.
MUDDY
Okay, then let's get down to business.
ANGLE ON THE BED. Muddy slaps down a picture of DALLAS, his wife.
Leather clad, biker, beautiful.
MUDDY (CONT.)
Here she is. Her name's Dallas. She ain't
as sweet as she looks. She stole everything
from me. Ya gotta watch out, 'cause she'll
do you twice as fast as you'd do her.
BUTT-HEAD
Whoa, huh huh. Cool.
Muddy plunks down PLANE TICKETS.
MUDDY
She's holed up in a hotel room in Las
Veags. Your flight leaves in a couple of
hours. Now c'mon, I'll drive you to the
airport.
BUTT-HEAD
Holed up. Huh huh huh. Holed.
BEAVIS
Can we watch some TV first?
Muddy picks up the gun and SHOOTS the TV.
MUDDY
No.
EXT. CITY STREETS - MORNING
Muddy driving his loud four-by-four like a maniac, drunk with
bloodshot eyes. B&B are in the back seat. He eyes them through the
rearview. Meanwhile, a cat bounces off the windshield with a
SHRIEK.
MUDDY
One more thing. Mah wife's got this
leather satchel. It's black, about this
big. I need ya to bring it back. It's
real important. Sentimental value... Any
questions so far?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, yeah. Does she have big hooters?
MUDDY
She sure does.
BUTT-HEAD
This is gonna be cool! Huh huh huh.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh. Boooooiiiing!!!
MUDDY
Just make sure it looks like an
accident...
BEAVIS
(spastic)
Yeah, heh heh. I think I just had an
accident. Heh heh hmm heh hmm heh.
MUDDY
Huh huh. You guys are funny. Let's have
a drink on it.
Muddy swigs the last swallow from his bottle of bourbon.
EXT. AIRPORT - EARLY MORNING
In an overhead view, the four-by-four screeches up to the gate,
fishtails to a stop, throwing B&B onto the sidewalk, and peels
away.
BUTT-HEAD
We're gonna get paid to score.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh, and then we're gonna
get a big-screen TV! Heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD
Beavis, this is the greatest day of
our lives. Huh huh huh.
INT. AIRPLANE - DAY
B&B enter the plane. They sit down in the first two seats on the
right - in First Class. A flight attendant, DOLORIS approaches
them.
DOLORIS
Hi. Can I help you find your seats?
BUTT-HEAD
Uuh, nah. These seats are OK.
DOLORIS
I think your tickets have you seated
in row fourteen, coach. So why don't
you just go ahead and move back, OK?
BUTT-HEAD
That's OK. Someone else can have those.
BEAVIS
Yeah, it's not that important to me,
really. Those seats are too small anyways.
Doloris yanks them out of their seats and leads them down the
aisle.
ANGLE DOWN AISLE in coach. Doloris stops by a row where an elderly
woman, MARTHA, sits by the window. Next to her: Two empty seats.
DOLORIS
Here you are.
She gestures to the seats and leaves. Beavis climbs in the middle,
Butt-Head in the aisle - still watching Doloris.
BUTT-HEAD
Hey Beavis. When she was leading us down
here, huh huh, she touched my butt. Huh
huh huh.
Martha, her senses a bit dimmed from age, turns to B&B.
MARTHA
Hello there. Are you two heading for Las
Vegas?
BEAVIS
Yeah, we're gonna score.
MARTHA
I hope to score big there myself. I'm
mostly going to be doing the slots.
BEAVIS
Yeah, I'm hoping to do some sluts too.
Heh heh. Do they have lots of sluts in
Las Vegas?
MARTHA
Oh, there are so many slots you won't
know where to begin.
BEAVIS
Whoa! heh heh. Hey Butt-Head, this chick
is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be
tons of sluts in Las Vegas! Heh heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD
Cool. Huh huh huh.
MARTHA
It's so nice to meet young men who are so
well mannered.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh. I'm gonna have money, and a
big-screen TV and sluts everywhere!
MARTHA
Oh, that's nice.
CAPTAIN'S VOICE (V.O.)
(through P.A.)
Good morning. This is your captain
speaking. Welcome aboard flight 151
non-stop to Las Vegas. We ask that you
turn your attention to the front of the
cabin for pre-flight safety instructions.
B&B see Doloris, stepping nearby to demonstrate the seat belt.
ATTENDANT'S VOICE
To fasten your seat belt, insert the free
end into the coupling.
BUTT-HEAD
Insert. Huh huh huh.
Doloris demonstrates. B&B are dumbfounded. It's too complicated.
BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
Uh...
They struggle to make their seat belts fit, getting each other's
parts.
TAMMY (O.C.)
Hi, I'm Tammy? Can I help you with that?
Butt-Head looks up.
From his P.O.V. we see a beautiful woman, TAMMY, smiling, her
hands reaching down. FALLING IN LOVE/HARP MUSIC STING plays.
CLOSE on Butt-Head's lap as two female hands reach down and pull
one strap from between Butt-Head's legs.
Butt-Head looks down at his lap as Tammy leans over him. A loud
CLICKING can be heard. Butt-Head stares blankly.
TAMMY (CONT.)
There you go. You're all set.
BUTT-HEAD
(stunned)
I love you.
Suddenly Martha buckles Beavis' belt. Tammy goes.
BEAVIS
Wait, I wanted her to do it.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh. Soon, she will be mine.
CAPTAIN'S VOICE
Flight attendants, please prepare for
take-off.
The engines start to hum. The plane is rolling.
Butt-Head struggles to get his seat belt off. He does everything
but pull the handle. Beavis goes white with fear.
The plane starts to shake. The engines rumble. Beavis starts to
freak.
BEAVIS
Hey wait a minute. What's going on?!
Butt-Head bangs away at his seat belt. Beavis looks out the window
and realizes they're in the air.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
(screams)
Aaaagh! We're gonna die!!!!!
ANGLE ON COUPLE IN FRONT OF B&B:
MAN
D'ya hear that? Something must be wrong!
WOMAN
Oh my God!!!!!!!
ANGLE ON CABIN, people start screaming. The plane quakes, lifting
up.
ON BUTT-HEAD, furiously pulling:
BUTT-HEAD
Dammit! Huh huh. That chick wants me.
BEAVIS
Aggghg! We're gonna die! We're all
gonna die!
The plane arcs upward. Butt-Head finally gets the belt off as the
plane is in full thrust. He rises and goes tumbling backward down
the aisle.
ON PEOPLE seeing Butt-Head flying, screaming in panic.
In free fall:
Butt-Head grabs the door to the hangable luggage. It all comes
tearing out.
Butt-Head flies up, hitting several overhead luggage racks, which
open and spill their contents.
Butt-Head lands in the galley, causing food to go flying and
coffee to pour freely.
ON THE CABIN as the plane starts to level out. People stop their
screaming.
ON BUTT-HEAD, underneath the rubble, poking his head out. He's
directly across from the flight attendant station where Tammy is
strapped in.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, huh huh... could you, like, do that
thing with my belt again?
INT. PLANE - LATER
All's in order. Flight attendants roll the beverage cart up the
aisle. People read, relaxed.
ON BEAVIS AND MARTHA. Martha is showing pictures of her
grandchildren. Beavis is showing the picture of Dallas that Muddy
gave him.
BEAVIS
I'm probably going to make out with her
first before we, you know, get down...
MARTHA
You'll have to speak up son. I have this
ringing in my ears. My doctor says it
could be related to my heart
palpitations. I've had two operations on
my heart.
BEAVIS
Really? I poop too much.
MARTHA
Oh, maybe you're lactose intolerant.
BEAVIS
Uh... No, (louder) I poop too much. Then
I get tired.
MARTHA
Well, if you find yourself getting tired,
take a couple of these.
She hands him a box of NoDrowz.
MARTHA (CONT.)
They perk me right up.
BEAVIS
Heh heh, thanks.
He pours the contents into his hand and chews them like candy.
Then his eyes open wide.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
(strange)
Uh, tastes like crap. Heh heh. Mmmmm.
Beavis starts wolfing them down.
INT. PLANE - A BIT LATER
Tammy passes out meals from a rolling cart. She works with
Doloris. Butt-head stands behind Tammy, attempting to hit on her.
BUTT-HEAD
(to Tammy)
So, uh huh huh, are you going to Las
Vegas? Huh huh huh.
Tammy ignores him and moves on, leaving Butt-Head there.
ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, looking down at something.
PAN DOWN to reveal he's looking at a BEER on a fat guy's tray. The
guy's asleep.
Butt-head picks up the beer.
ANGLE ON BEAVIS, nearby. The NoDrowz is starting to take effect.
Beavis starts shaking, babbling, staring cross-eyed at his fist,
etc. (pre-Cornholio stuff)
Tammy reaches her next passenger.
TAMMY
Hi, we're serving dinner. Our selections
tonight are chicken piccata or seafood
gumbo...
BEAVIS (O.S.)
Piccata? Piccata! Picattatta tatta!
Tammy moves forward, leaving Butt-Head standing there. In the
background, we see Beavis starting to quake, on the verge of
Cornholio mode.
PASSENGER
Does the gumbo have corn in it?
ANGLE ON BEAVIS: Turned, facing the cabin, T-shirt pulled over his
head in full Cornholio mode.
BEAVIS
I am Cornholio! I need picatta for
my bunghole!
TAMMY
You'll have to wait your turn sir.
BEAVIS
Are you threatening me? My bunghole
will not wait!
Beavis starts to wander down the aisle.
ANGLE ON CURTAIN TO FIRST CLASS CABIN. Beavis enters. From the
other side, SOUND of screams. We hear several CALL BUTTONS being
pressed.
ON BUTT-HEAD. He approaches Tammy from behind. She ignores him.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, I got a beer. Want some? Huh huh.
ANGLE INSIDE THE COCKPIT.
The PILOTS are relaxed and settled in when the door to the cockpit
slams open. Beavis is in the doorway SCREAMING.
BEAVIS
Bargarajjjaaaahhh!!! I am Cornholio!!
The pilots SCREAM. The copilot jumps up so fast he causes coffee
to spill everywhere, including on the captain's lap. The captain
then jumps up, hitting the controls and SENDING THE PLANE INTO A
NOSE-DIVE.
ON BUTT-HEAD
In the back of the plane standing next to Tammy. He starts to take
a sip of beer. The nose-dive of the plane causes Butt-Head to go
FLYING TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE PLANE.
BUTT-HEAD
AAAAAHHH!!! Huh huh. AAAAHHH!!!
Butt-Head bounces all overthe plane and then gets tangled up in
the curtain that separates first class and coach. It tears off,
and he continues to fly forward.
COCKPIT
The captain is desperately trying to regain control of the plane.
Butt-Head slams into the cockpit, landing on the control panel
facing the captain.
CAPTAIN
Get the hell out of the cockpit!
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh, you said...
CAPTAIN
NOW!!!
The captain throws Butt-Head back behind him and pulls the plane
out of the dive.
EXT. LAS VEGAS AIRPORT - EARLY EVENING
The plane lands.
INT. COCKPIT DOOR - EARLY EVENING
The flight attendants, shaken, smile at a line of people
deplaning. The people are white with fear, some covered with
flecks of spilled food and other matter.
ATTENDANTS
Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
They grow silent and still as B&B pass by. Beavis takes the T-
shirt off his head, coming down from Cornholio.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. That was cool.
INT. TERMINAL/ARRIVAL GATE - DAY
Arriving passengers are greeted. A family is reunited. Two
businessmen walk up to limo drivers holding cards with their
names. A reunited couple hugs.
B&B look around in confusion.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, huh huh, this is Las Vegas?
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh. I thought there'd be
casinos and lights and stuff.
People greet and walk away. The place starts to clear out.
One limo driver is left standing. He wears sunglasses and holds a
sign that reads: Beavis and Butt-Head.
B&B look around. Except for the driver, they're alone.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
Hey Butt-Head, why's that guy holding
a sign?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... maybe he's blind... Huh huh, check
this out.
B&B go up to him. Butt-Head turns around, drops his pants and
hangs a "B.A." at the guy.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
DRIVER
Ah, excuse me. You wouldn't know where
I can find these guys, would ya?
He indicates the sign. Butt-Head turns around and pulls up his
pants. They look and try to read:
BUTT-HEAD
(reads)
Uh, B...A...U... No, uh, V...
BEAVIS
(reads)
Uh... Buuuuut. Boot. Someone named boot.
BUTT-HEAD
(realizes)
Huh huh. This says Beavis.
BEAVIS
And Boot-Head.
BUTT-HEAD
That's Butt-Head. Don't you get it,
Beavis. These dudes have the same name as
us.
BEAVIS
Yeah, we should party.
The limo driver rolls his eyes and walks away.
DRIVER
This way, sirs.
B&B follow the driver away. Beavis looks around.
BEAVIS
So where's those guys?
EXT. MUDDY'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY
HARLAN and ROSS, the two dumb-looking rough-necks that stole B&B's
TV are standing outside Muddy's motel room. Harlan knocks on the
door.
ROSS
Where the hell is he?
HARLAN
You sure this is the right place?
Harlan looks through the window and sees the shattered TV. No
one's there.
Muddy's four-by-four SQUEALS into the lot and skids to a stop next
to Harlan and Ross' van. Muddy gets out, looking really drunk now.
HARLAN (CONT.)
You Muddy?
MUDDY
(slurring)
You the cops?
ROSS
Uh, no. Earl sent us. You know, to take
care of your wife...
Muddy grabs Ross by the collar.
MUDDY
What the hell?!... What about those other...
ROSS
Huh?
Muddy tosses Ross to the sidewalk and starts back to they four-by-
four.
MUDDY
Dammit!!! She did it to me again!!!
HARLAN
Hey, I noticed your TV was broken. You
wanna buy a new one?
Muddy gets in the four-by-four and starts it.
MUDDY
I'm gonna go to Vegas and kill all
three a' them!
Harlan and Ross seem momentarily confused.
Muddy revs the engine, peels out backwards HITTING THE FRONT OF
THE VAN. This causes B&B's TV and some other loot to spill out the
back onto the sidewalk.
Ross starts to pick it up.
HARLAN
Just leave it. Worthless piece o' crap.
ROSS
Yeah, really. We gotta start stealin'
from rich people.
EXT. LAS VEGAS - DAY
MONTAGE SONG BEGINS.
Note: I would like this to be a well-known band (Red Hot
Chili Peppers) doing their best imitation of a modern Las
Vegas lounge act. I think a song like "What Am I Gonna Do
With You" by Barry White or something obnoxious like
"Bicostal" by Peter Allan would be cool. Or maybe Sinatra's
"You Make Me Feel So Young" would be best.
The car passes by major hotels and tourist sights, finally pulling
up to a big luxurious hotel and casino.
INT. HOTEL/CASINO - DAY
Establishing shots. Excitement. Gambling tables going on forever.
ON THE LOUNGE BAND playing the song we've been hearing. They
should vaguely resemble the actual band doing the song.
PAN DOWN rows of slot machines.
PAN ACROSS DEALERS handling cards and chips.
DOLLY RIGHT UP TO B&B, staring in utter awe.
REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS: They're staring at a huge Roman statue of a
bare-chested woman.
Their faces are blank. They're seeing God. Finally:
BUTT-HEAD
Beavis. This is what it's all about.
BEAVIS
(speechless)
Heh heh. Yeah.
EXT. VEGAS - DUSK
Lights are popping on.
Billboards and signs are lighting up.
The whole strip is coming alive. Pure excitement.
INT. HOTEL/CASINO - DUSK
ON B&B, still staring at the statue.
B&B
(in awe)
Huh huh huh huh huh.
A security guard comes and drags B&B away.
ON THE LOUNGE BAND, continuing the song we've been hearing.
INT. B&B'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
The door is opened by a bellboy.
BELLBOY
I'm so sorry about that little
misunderstanding. We didn't know you
were registered guests. Here's some
playing chips compliments of...
Beavis rushes in and grabs the remote which is attached to the
night table. He tries to pull it up and can't.
BEAVIS
This remote's too heavy!
BELLBOY
Sir, it's attached to the...
BUTT-HEAD
Here, dumbass! Let me try!
They both struggle to pull it up. Finally, they fall over
backwards.
Annoyed, the bellboy leaves.
INT. ELEVATOR BANK/9TH FLOOR - NIGHT
The elevator arrives. B&B get on. There's several sophisticated
people. From inside, a computerized FEMALE ELEVATOR VOICE:
ELEVATOR VOICE
Ninth floor, going down.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
BUTT-HEAD
Going down. Huh huh huh.
The sophisticated people look repulsed. The doors close.
INT. HOTEL/CASINO - NIGHT
MUSIC DIPS DOWN FOR DIALOGUE. B&B step off the elevator and walk
among the gambling tables.
Beavis pulls one of the playing chips out of his pocket and bites
into it.
BEAVIS
Ow! These chips suck.
BUTT-HEAD
What a rip-off. Come on. We gotta find
that chick.
Beavis tosses the chip on a roulette table.
ANGLE ON THE WHEEL. The ball lands on 13.
At the table, the DEALER...
DEALER
13. We have a winner. (to Beavis) Sir,
your chips?
BEAVIS
I don't want 'em! Keep 'em.
DEALER
Let it ride!
BUTT-HEAD
(to dealer)
Uh... could you help us find a chick?
DEALER
(uneasy)
Sir, the casino does not partake in that
kind of activity.
The wheel stops.
DEALER (CONT.)
(amazed)
13! Winner!
People oooh and aaah. More gather to watch.
Through the gathering throng comes CHERYL, a hooker.
CHERYL
Excuse me, boys. Did I hear you say
you're looking for a date?
B&B freeze, shocked.
CHERYL (CONT.)
I'm Cheryl, and I can show you a real
fine time.
B&B don't move. The dealer rolls again.
CHERYL (CONT.)
A time you'll remember for the rest of
your lives, if you know what I mean.
DEALER
(to Beavis)
Sir, do you want your chips?
BEAVIS
No, Dammit! I don't want any chips!
DEALER
Let it ride.
Cheryl puts her hands on their thighs.
CHERYL
What say we three go up to your room,
take off our clothes and just see what
comes up.
B&B's eyes open wide.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
BEAVIS
Uh... Uh...
The wheel stops.
DEALER
14. No winners.
CHERYL
Hmmmm. Oh well.
She leaves. People scatter. B&B are left alone. Staring.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. That chick was talking
about doing it.
BEAVIS
Heh heh. This is the best night of our
lives.
WIDE SHOT. B&B just stand, laughing.
MUSIC FADES BACK UP...
INT. HOTEL LOUNGE - NIGHT
ANGLE ON THE BAND, continuing the song.
Tourists watch from tables - decidedly not rocking out.
B&B dance alone near the stage, doing the "butt-knocker."
INT. HOTEL OFFICE - NIGHT
A WOMAN ATTENDANT answers the phone.
WOMAN ATTENDANT
Good evening. Room service. How may
I help you?
From the phone...
B&B
(on phone)
Huh huh huh huh huh.
The woman's disturbed.
WOMAN ATTENDANT
Hello... Hello...
INT. HOTEL/CASINO - NIGHT
B&B try to climb up and grab the gigantic boobs of the statue.
Butt-Head falls, knocks Beavis off and they both hit the floor
hard.
INT. B&B'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Beavis is on the phone in the main room. Butt-Head sits on the
toilet and speaks from the phone in the bathroom.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, huh huh, I'd like to be serviced...
in my room.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
INT. HOTEL LOUNGE - NIGHT
B&B keep dancing as the famous BAND plays the MONTAGE SONG which
ENDS.
EXT. VEGAS - DAWN
Sunrise.
The song rings out.
INT. B&B'S ROOM - MORNING
BEavis is picking up the night table by the remote attached to it
and moving the whole thing.
Butt-Head approaches a door next to the bed.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, I wonder where this door goes to.
Beavis comes over to check it out. Butt-Head opens the door. It's
one of those double doors to the next room.
Butt-Head tries to open the second door, jiggling it.
Suddenly, the door opens. Someone reaches out and pulls B&B
inside. It's DALLAS, the girl Muddy sent them after.
INT. DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS
She has them pinned against the wall. DALLAS is hot, clad in tight
leather, tattooed, pierced, sexy.
BEAVIS
(excited)
Hey, Butt-Head, it's her! Heh heh.
DALLAS
All right, who are ya? C.I.A? F.B.I.?
A.T.F.?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... Hey baby. Are we like, doing it?
BEAVIS
Me first?
DALLAS
You got two seconds!
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, huh huh. Is that gonna be enough time?
Dallas grabs Butt-Head by the shirt.
DALLAS
Who sent ya?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, huh huh, this fat dude. He said we
could do you. And he was gonna pay us.
DALLAS
Muddy! Sonofabitch! Hold it. What's he
payin' ya?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, ten uh...
DALLAS
Ten grand? That cheap-ass... I got a
better deal for ya. I'll double it. I'll
pay ya twenty if you go back there and do
mah husband.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, you want us to do a guy? Huh huh. No
way.
BEAVIS
(considering it)
Umm,... I don't know Butt-Head. That is
a lot of money... Maybe if we close our
eyes and pretend he's a chick...
Butt-Head SMACKS Beavis, bringing him to his senses.
From outside, SOUND of a police siren. Dallas goes to the window.
The place is being surrounded by police and plain black cars.
DALLAS
(panics)
Damn! You boys, you wait right there.
Dallas goes into the next room and closes the door.
B&B look at each other. They start to take their pants off.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. I'm ready for love.
BEAVIS
Me first! Me first!
INT. DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY
Dallas gets binoculars from her bag and scouts outside.
Her P.O.V. REVEALS dozens of police and A.T.F. cars. The hotel's
surrounded.
As Dallas looks around, she spots a tour bus across the street. On
the side: "Dream America Tours." Dallas quickly dials the phone.
DALLAS
(to phone)
Gimme the number for Dream America Tours.
(pause) Right.
Dallas dials again, crossing to the door to peek out at B&B - both
standing in their underwear, waiting. Beavis picks his nose.
Dallas closes the door again.
DALLAS (CONT.)
(to phone)
Yeah, you got a bus leaving today? (pause)
Five minutes? Where's it goin'? (listens)
Washington, D.C.? (mulls it over) Perfect.
(a look back to the other room) Gimme two
tickets.
INT. DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY
B&B are in their underwear. Butt-Head sits at the edge of the bed.
Beavis tries to pull the remote off the table.
Dallas enters, sees this sight, and shuts off the TV. She looms
over Butt-Head.
BUTT-HEAD
So, uh, huh huh. Are we gonna score now?
BEAVIS
Me first!
BUTT-HEAD
Forget it, bunghole!
B&B start to wrestle. Dallas sees Beavis' pants.
DALLAS
(realizing)
Score? You boys wanna...?
Butt-Head grabs Beavis' neck.
BEAVIS
Ow, let go, Butt-Head!
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh.
She picks up the pants, getting an idea.
DALLAS
You wait here.
She takes the pants into the next room. B&B keep wrestling.
BEAVIS
Me first.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh. No way, dude.
INT. DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY
TIGHT ON her black satchel. From it she lifts a delicate
electronic device, the X-5 unit, about the size of a credit card.
An LED light blinks.
Using her switchbalde, she cuts a hole in the back seam of Beavis'
pants, creating a natural pocket. She carefully slides the unit
in.
INT. DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY
B&B's fight escalates. Butt-Head picks up a LAMP and throws it at
Beavis. It hits the wall and SHATTERS. Beavis charges Butt-Head.
INT. DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY
Dallas is licking a piece of thread. She quickly and expertly
threads a needle and then starts to sew the electronic device into
the inside back of Beavis' pants. She suddenly wrinkles her nose
as if she has smelled something.
She holds the pants up to the light. Inside, the shadow of the
unit.
INT. DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY
B&B fight wildly. Dallas enters and clears her throat. B&B freeze.
FULL ON DALLAS, posed sexily, seductive.
DALLAS
Don't wear yourselves out, boys. Save
some energy for me.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
BUTT-HEAD
This is it, Beavis. Huh huh. We're
finally gonna score.
BEAVIS
Heh heh. Thank God.
DALLAS
I'm gonna do it with both of ya.
B&B
(uncontrollable)
Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh
huh huh huh huh huh.
Dallas clears her throat to get their attention. And again.
DALLAS
(sexy) Boys... (shouts) Boys!!!
Silence.
DALLAS (CONT.)
But first, you hafta do a little job for
me. (touches seductively) Would you like
to do a job for me?
Silence. They're in shock.
DALLAS (CONT.)
Here's what it is. I want ya to take a bus
ta Washington, D.C. That's all. And when
ya get there, I'll be waitin'. You're
gonna make a whole lotta money. (In their
faces) And I'm gonaa give you everything!
B&B
(near comatose)
Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
DALLAS
Until then... (tosses Beavis' pants in his
face) Keep your pants on.
She looks back to the window, now all business.
DALLAS (CONT.)
OK guys, time to move out.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY/FRONT DOOR - DAY
A.T.F. agents enter and spread out. We see several agents go up
the stairs.
INT. DALLAS' ROOM/DOORWAY - DAY
DALLAS
Remember, Washington, D.C. You'll get
more money than you ever dreamed of. And
you'll get me.
She kisses them both seductively.
DALLAS (CONT.)
(urgent)
Your bus is downstairs. Get going.
She shuts the door, leaving B&B outside. Nearby, a maid with her
cart passes by.
B&B stare, frozen for a beat, then go running for the elevator.
ANGLE AROUND THE CORNER, out of B&B's view. Just as the elevator
doors shut, dozens of federal agents with guns rush in and kick
open Dallas' door.
EXT. HOTEL/CASINO - DAY
More Feds and police enter.
ANGLE ON B&B, walking past, oblivious to all else. As he walks
away, Beavis rubs his butt.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh.
BUTT-HEAD
This is gonna be cool. Huh huh.
They walk to the tour bus across the street.
INT. TOUR BUS - DAY
B&B walk down the aisle, Beavis rubbing his butt. Most seats are
taken by senior citizens.
Up ahead, two vacant seats. B&B fight to get in first.
BUTT-HEAD
No way butt-hole! I want the window.
BEAVIS
Cut it out butt-hole!
A VOICE
Why don't you take turns?
They turn. It's Martha, the woman from the plane, sitting across
the aisle.
BEAVIS
Hey, Butt-Head, it's that slut from the
plane!
MARTHA
Why it's you two. How'd ya do in Vegas?
BEAVIS
Uh, we didn't score yet.
MARTHA
Sorry to hear that. Me, I took a beating.
BUTT-HEAD
Cool, huh huh huh.
MARTHA
That's why I'm bussing it across America.
I'm so glad you're here. (to man in next
seat) Jim, I want you to meet two nice
boys.
JIM, an old guy, wakes up and looks over.
MARTHA (CONT.)
This is Travis and Bob... What's your
last name, dear?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... Head? huh huh. My first name's
Butt. Huh huh huh.
JIM
Pleased to meet ya, Mr. Head.
All the seniors turn around to meet them.
MARTHA
Meet Sylvia. And Elloise and Sam. And Ed.
And Doreen.
BUTT-HEAD
Are you guys sluts too? Huh huh huh.
EXT. TOUR BUS - DAY
It takes off.
We PAN back to the hotel as Muddy arrives in a cab.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE DALLAS' ROOM - DAY
DRAMATIC REVEAL of AGENT RYAN FLEMMING entering the hallway. He's
an A.T.F. honcho, powerful, hard-ass. Looks like an Oliver North-
type. Sounds something like Fred Thompson. He walks with his
assistant, AGENT BORK and another agent.
They find Dallas' room and enter.
INT. DALLAS' HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Dallas sits calmly, confident, as agents tear apart the room.
FLEMMING
So, are you going to tell us where it is
or am I going to have to have Agent Hurley
over there give you another cavity search?
ANGLE ON AGENT HURLEY, a tough, stocky woman.
DALLAS
Ooh is that a promise?
FLEMMING
Look Mrs. Scum, we know who you are. Tell
her Bork.
BORK
Dallas Grimes. Married to Muddy Grimes.
You run a mom and pop arms smuggling ring.
He tosses her some photos of her and Muddy.
DALLAS
Oh, you got my bad side.
Bork hands Flemming another file. Flemming checks it.
FLEMMING
Three days ago you pulled a job at the
Army Research Facility in Hadley, Nevada -
where you stole... (reads) The X-5 unit.
Now we happen to know you had the unit
with you when you checked in here, so why
don't you be a good girl and tell us where
it is.
DALLAS
You gonna charge me with anything? (pause)
I didn't think so. You wanna let me go now
or wait 'till my lawyer files a wrongful
arrest.
BORK
(aside to Flemming)
We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place
apart. We can only legally hold her for
another couple of hours.
FLEMMING
(aside to Bork)
Dammit! (slams fist down) Where's that
damn unit??!!
EXT. HOOVER DAM - DAY
The bus parks.
INT. TOUR BUS - DAY
B&B are excited.
BEAVIS
Heh heh. We're in Washington!
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh. We're gonna score now.
MARTHA
Actually, we're at the Hoover Dam.
Martha walks on down the aisle.
BUTT-HEAD
Damn, huh huh.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh. Damn right!
They follow the seniors out of the bus. Beavis rubs his butt.
EXT. THE ROAD - DAY
Dallas drives by in a slick car.
INT. DALLAS' CAR - DAY
She adjusts her rearview mirror to observe a Fed car following
her. She smiles.
INT. HOOVER DAM - DAY
B&B and the seniors are on a tour through the giant basement. B&B
talk and approach the HOOVER GUIDE, speaking nearby.
BEAVIS
So, like, where is she?
BUTT-HEAD
(looks around)
Yeah, really.
HOOVER GUIDE
Over 40 thousand cubic tons of concrete
were used in the construction of the
Hoover Dam.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
HOOVER GUIDE
From top to bottom, this dam is 51
stories.
BEAVIS
Uh, huh huh, excuse me. Is this a God
Damn?
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh.
They follow the tour into the next room.
INT. HOOVER DAM/OBSERVATION ROOM - DUSK
A glass wall separates this from the master control room. There,
two technicians are on watch. Banks of monitors show the water and
pipes from various angles.
B&B are the last in. Beavis rubs his aching butt. The guide is
already speaking.
HOOVER GUIDE
... Generates over 6000 gigawatts of
electricity, all passing through this
control room. This way.
The tour moves on.
BUTT-HEAD
This is dumb, let's find that chick.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh, enough'a this crap.
They walk back from where they came.
Through the glass wall, we see the two control room technicians
heading out.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
Check it out Butt-Head, TV!
BUTT-HEAD
Cool! Huh huh huh.
INT. HOOVER DAM/HALL OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM DOOR - DUSK
SOUND of air compression as this secure door opens. The two
technicians walk out.
They walk away, not seeing that behind them, B&B approach the
control room door. They enter just before the door closes. SOUND
of air compression locks.
INT. A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DUSK
Agent Bork knocks and enters.
FLEMMING
Talk ta me, Bork.
BORK
Chief, we found a witness that says he saw
two teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly
before we arrived.
FLEMMING
Did you give him a full cavity search?
BORK
(confused)
Ah, the witness?
FLEMMING
Yes. You can never be too careful Bork.
BORK
Well sir, I didn't really think it was
necessary. You see we have a picture of
them from the elevator security cam. Here,
have a look.
TIGHT ON PICTURE. A still of B&B laughing on the elevator.
BORK (CONT.)
They look like a couple of kids chief.
FLEMMING
Bork, don't you realize what kids today
are capable of? Don't you read the papers?
Suddenly the lights blink on and off. All three men look up.
INT. HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
We see a bank of TV monitors, video of water, turbines, etc.
Beavis is rubbing his butt against a switch on the console,
causing the lights to blink on and off.
BUTT-HEAD
Beavis, huh huh, what'er you doing?
BEAVIS
My butt's bothering me!
BUTT-HEAD
You should kick your butt's ass. Huh huh
huh.
Butt-Head looks at the bank of monitors - all showing water.
BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
Dammit, all they have is shows about
water.
BEAVIS
That sucks. Heh heh. They need some shows
about fire! Change the channel.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh...
Butt-Head starts randomly hitting controls everywhere while Beavis
rubs his butt against a computer keypad.
TIGHT ON CONTROL: "Main Water Release Valve". Butt-Head turns it.
An alarm sounds.
BEAVIS
Yeah, turn it up! Louder! Heh heh.
INT. DAM DOORS - DUSK
An alarm sounds. Giant doors open, causing water to start to flood
through the gates.
INT. HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
Butt-Head presses more buttons. His hand is near the biggest
switch for: "Master Station Control".
BUTT-HEAD
(reads sign)
Uh... Mas... Ter... Huh huh. Masturbation,
huh huh.
Butt-Head throws the switch. Lights go out. SOUND of generators
grinding to a halt.
INT. HOOVER DAM/MACHINE ROOM - DUSK
Machinery stops suddenly and large support beams break. A
disaster.
INT. HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
SOUND of twisted, grinding metal, loud alarms.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh...
ON ONE OF THE MONITORS, we see a small electrical fire.
BEAVIS
Yeah, fire! Fire! FIRE!!!
EXT. HOOVER DAM - DUSK
The lights go out.
EXT. VEGAS STRIP - DUSK
In succession, one set of lights after another goes out. The
famous strip goes dark.
INT. A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DUSK
The lights go dead.
FLEMMING
The hell's going on?
INT. HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM/VEGAS - DUSK
A surgeon just makes an incision as the lights go out.
SURGEON
Whoooooops.
EXT. CAMPGROUND - DUSK
Marcy Anderson hammers the last peg in for their tent. Tom checks
the stew on the fire and looks around.
TOM
I'll tell ya, it doesn't get any better
than this. This here is God's country.
Unspoiled and...
A rumbling interrupts him. He and Marcy turn to see:
A wall of water, heading for them.
TOM (CONT.)
Aaaaghhh!!!...
They're smashed by the flood.
EXT. HOOVER DAM - DUSK
Mass chaos. Traffic jams. Honking horns. People shouting.
ANGLE ON B&B AND THE SENIORS, about to get on the bus.
BUTT-HEAD
That was boring. Huh huh.
BEAVIS
Yeah, it's just the same thing over and
over again.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... We can't leave Washington 'till we
find that chick.
MARTHA
Oh, we're a long ways from Washington Bob.
This is the Hoover Dam.
Martha gets on the bus. HOLD ON B&B.
BEAVIS
Damn! Heh heh hmm heh.
They get on the bus.
INT. VEGAS HOTEL/CASINO - DUSK
Mayhem. People scream in the dark. Some steal chips and run.
ANGLE TO SIDE, where Muddy has the Concierge by the neck.
CONCIERGE
I swear, that's all I know! They got on
that tour bus. It was probably heading
west. Please...
Muddy slams him against the wall and walks away.
MUDDY
I'm gonna kill 'em!
EXT. HOOVER DAM - DUSK
The doors close on the tour bus. It pulls out and drives away.
EXT. SIDE OF ROAD - DUSK
At her car, Dallas watches the bus from a distance, then lays down
her binoculars, satisfied.
DALLAS
You boys better show up.
With a look at the Fed car behind her, she gets in her car and
drives down a different road.
EXT. ROAD - DUSK
The bus heads off into the desert.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HOOVER DAM - MORNING
Police cars everywhere. Fire engines. Reporters. News helicopters.
Disaster.
Several A.T.F. cars pull up. Flemming and several of his agents
get out and head immediately for the dam.
INT. HOOVER DAM/CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
TIGHT ON A TV MONITOR. It shows B&B at the Hoover Dam controls the
eve before, shot on surveillance camera. Frame freezes. B&B
looking particularly stupid.
REVEAL Flemming's there with his agents. Flemming leans forward.
FLEMMING
You see what I see, Bork?
BORK
I see it. I don't get it.
FLEMMING
You got half the state looking for ya -
how do you get away?
BORK
(realizes)
Cut the power!
FLEMMING
Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real
pros here. My opinion, terrorists...
What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
BORK
Well, sir it's not good. (to an assistant)
Roll the tape... The X-5 unit is a new
top-secret biological weapon, a manmade
virus...
ON MONITOR. The device that was put in back of Beavis' pants.
BORK (CONT.)
The deadliest known to man. It could wipe
out five states in five days. It can be
activated by simply entering the right
code. Here's what happened when it was
tested on a group of Army recruits...
ON THE MONITOR. Army recruits coughing up black gunk, rolling
around in pain on stretchers, dying. Grotesque (but funny).
FLEMMING
Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to
fall into the wrong hands...
BORK
It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished.
It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard
enough, it could break open, releasing the
virus.
A murmuring through the room. Flemming rises and holds up a
picture of B&B.
FLEMMING
Okay People, as of right now these are the
most dangerous men in America. I want
these faces in front of every Fed and two-
bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The
orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray
that nothing hits that unit.
INT. TOUR BUS - DAY
TIGHT ON Beavis' butt, as Butt-head KICKS IT REPEATEDLY.
BEAVIS
Ow! Cut it out Butt-Head.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh. Get out of the way, Beavis, I
wanna sit by the window. Huh huh.
BEAVIS
Ow! I'll kick your butt!
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh. You mean like this?
Butt-Head keeps kicking.
ANGLE ON THE DRIVER UP FRONT.
DRIVER
Okay, people, next stop, Grand Canyon.
He guns it.
EXT. TOUR BUS - DAY
It takes off down the road.
MONTAGE SONG BEGINS. (Maybe White Zombie doing something like,
"Born to Be Wild")
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across a map to Grand Canyon.
EXT. GRAND CANYON - DAY
Gorgeous. Our seniors and others take pictures and stare in awe.
Some hold hands. One crosses herself.
ANGLE ON B&B, nearby, also staring in awe. REVEAL they're watching
a jackass take a dump.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh.
BEAVIS
The poop's coming out of the ass of the
ass. Heh heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh. It's coming out of the ass, but
it's also coming out of the ass of the
ass.
INT. A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS - DAY
TIGHT ON PHOTO OF B&B, going out on the wire.
INT. A POLICE STATION - DAY
TIGHT ON COP getting the photo off a machine.
INT. A POST OFFICE - DAY
TIGHT ON B&B's PHOTO as it's pinned to the wall.
INT. DRIVING TOUR BUS - DAY
PAN across seniors showing off pictures of their grandchildren.
Pan stops on B&B showing off the picture of Dallas to a senior.
Butt-Head does the "finger-in-hole" fornication gesture as they
LAUGH suggestively.
EXT. SIDE OF ROAD - DAY
Flemming reads a map strewn on his hood. He turns to Bork to give
orders. Bork repeats them into his radio. Several cars pull out.
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across a map to Utah.
EXT. SALT LAKE CITY - DAY
Martha and the seniors pose in front of a classic Salt Lake City
view. A sign nearby reads "Welcome to Salt Lake City."
REVERSE ANGLE shows B&B, taking their picture.
P.O.V. OF CAMERA shows Butt-Head's hand covering half the lens.
Framing is crooked and way off. Click and FREEZE.
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAY
Middle of nowhere. Confused, Martha is taking a picture.
REVERSE ANGLE shows B&B, posing by the road sign: Baggs, Wyoming.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
P.O.V. OF CAMERA, showing B&B laughing.
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across the map to Wyoming.
CROSS-DISSOLVE BETWEEN THE BUS AND THE SIGHTS IT PASSES:
EXT. FLAMING GORGE, WYOMING - DAY
A classic view of a powerful gorge.
REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS driving by. Martha and the seniors rush
to the windows to stare in awe.
EXT. GRAND TETON, WYOMING - DAY
A classic view of the huge peaks.
REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS driving by. More seniors rush to the
windows to see.
EXT. YELLOWSTONE PARK, WYOMING - DAY
A spectacular view of Yellowstone Lake and the Rockies.
REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS. Seniors staring in awe.
PAN over to another window. B&B press their BARE ASSES against the
window.
EXT. YELLOWSTONE/OLD FAITHFUL - DAY
MONTAGE SONG ENDS.
A RANGER/GUIDE stands in front of the seniors talking about the
geyser. B&B are towards the front, off to one side.
RANGER
(a la Carl Sagan)
There are over two hundred active geysers
in Yellowstone Park alone. Old Faithful
here is one of the largest. During an
eruption the water can reach as high as
two hundred feet!...
BUTT-HEAD
So?
RANGER
(ignoring Butt-Head)
It shoots out over twelve thousand gallons
of water in a single eruption...
BEAVIS
That's not that much.
BUTT-HEAD
Yeah really. Let's get outta here Beavis.
Huh huh huh. This sucks.
B&B walk off as the flustered ranger leads the seniors to some
benches where they wait for the geyser to erupt.
EXT. YELLOWSTONE/OLD FAITHFUL - LATER
The geyser erupts. The seniors watch in sheer awe.
MARTHA
It's...incredible...!
INT. VISITOR CENTER/MEN'S BATHROOM - DAY
B&B stare ahead in similar awe.
BUTT-HEAD
It's incredible!... Huh huh huh.
REVEAL they're standing before the urinals. Butt-Head moves to the
side, tripping a motion detector which makes the urinal
AUTOMATICALLY FLUSH.
BEAVIS
Whoa! That's amazing! Heh heh heh.
They start moving from urinal to urinal, causing all to flush.
EXT. OLD FAITHFUL/PARKING AREA - DAY
The bus idles. The last senior climbs aboard.
The driver looks around impatiently. He checks his watch.
DRIVER
I can't wait forever.
INT. OLD FAITHFUL/RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY
The ranger/guide enters and checks off a chart on a bulletin board
near B&B's "wanted" photo.
Suddenly the guide sees B&B's photo, then, out the window, the bus
closing its door and pulling away.
RANGER
Oh my God!
The guide picks up the phone.
INT. VISITOR CENTER/MEN'S ROOM - DAY
B&B go back and forth, "playing" the urinals, passing hands,
heads, whole bodies in front of the motion detectors.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh.
Finally, Butt-Head pauses.
BUTT-HEAD
This is the coolest thing I have ever
seen.
EXT. SIDE OF A ROAD - DAY
Flemming is on the radio. Bork runs up.
BORK
Chief, we got 'em! They're on a senior
citizens tour bus going east on I-40.
EXT. OLD FAITHFUL/PARKING LOT - DAY
B&B get on a bus that looks completely different than the tour
bus.
INT. DIFFERENT BUS - DAY
TIGHT ON B&B. Butt-Head looks around.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... Is this the right bus?
BEAVIS
You mean there's mre than one?
A WIDER SHOT REVEALS it's a bus full of nuns. B&B look around and
see this.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. Hey Beavis. We're on a bus
with chicks.
BEAVIS
Heh hmm heh heh.
Butt-Head turns to the nun next to him.
BUTT-HEAD
Hey, baby.
The nun looks disturbed as the bus takes off.
EXT. I-40/SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY
The tour bus is stopped. Like P.O.W.'s, the seniors stand with
hands on heads. Agents search the bus.
ANGLE ON LINE OF SENIORS. Flemming walks nearby and is told:
BORK
They're not on the bus.
Flemming looks the seniors over.
FLEMMING
(re: seniors)
These people know something. I want full
cavity searches. Everyone. Go deep on 'em.
Hurley and two agents grab the nearest senior and drag him away.
FLEMMING (CONT.)
I tell you Bork, these guys are smart.
Damn smart. They're probably a hundred
miles away by now.
Behind Flemming, an agent waves on traffic including B&B's new
bus. As it pulls past, B&B hang B.A.'s. Flemming doesn't see.
MONTAGE SONG BEGINS:
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map, pretty much retracing the
route B&B took north. Down into Utah.
INT. BUS - DAY
A nun strums a guitar and sings. Butt-head head-bangs. The nuns
around look uneasy.
Nearby another nun reads the Bible to Beavis.
BEAVIS
Hey, Butt-Head, this book kicks ass!
There's this talking snake and a naked
chick and then this dude puts a leaf
on his schlong! Heh heh heh.
The nun next to Beavis is disgusted.
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes down through Colorado.
One of the nuns is trying to teach B&B the sign of the cross.
Butt-head moves his hand down, up, left and then swings his hand
to the far right SMACKING Beavis.
INT. ROADSIDE RESTAURANT - DAY
Sitting before a long table, the nuns close their eyes and pray,
hands clasped together.
PAN THE ROW to B&B who's hands are clasped together and
interlocked as they do the incredibly juvenile 'peek at the
vagina' trick.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Rancho Taos, New
Mexico.
EXT. MISSION OF ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI CHURCH - DAY
A beautiful old adobe-style church. Nuns exit the bus, excited,
followed by B&B who look around.
The nuns walk into a visitor center. B&B walk right into the
church.
INT. CHURCH - DAY
In a WIDE SHOT we see B&B walk in, look around and head for the
CONFESSION BOOTHS.
BEAVIS
Check it out Butt-Head, porta-potties.
BUTT-HEAD
Cool, huh huh.
B&B each enter a confession booth on the priest's side.
INT. ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - LATER
WIDE EST. SHOT shows that a confessional service has begun.
INT. ST. FRANCIS CHURCH/CONFESSION BOOTH - DAY
We see a man nervously confessing. This seems difficult for him.
MAN
(about to cry)
Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
I,...I...I slept with a woman, and...
From the priest's side of the confessional we hear Butt-head. The
man can't see him.
BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)
Huh huh huh, really? Was she naked?
MAN
Well, yes Father. Please forgive me. I...
BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)
Cool, huh huh huh. Could you like, see her
boobs?
ANGLE INSIDE ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL
MAN #2
(confused)
How many Hail Marys?
BEAVIS (O.S.)
A thousand! Yeah, heh heh hmm. And I want
you to hit yourself. Right now!
MAN #2
Now?!
BEAVIS (O.S.)
Yeah! Heh heh hmm heh. DO IT!
From outside the confession booth, we hear the sound of a SMACK.
BEAVIS (O.S./CONT.)
Harder! Heh heh. Again! Heh heh. You need
to straighten up!
EXT. ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - DAY
As B&B board the bus they are STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes further down into Arizona.
EXT. PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY
This establishes.
INT. PETRIFIED FORESTS VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY
B&B stare at an exhibit, riveted. The nuns watch them. A recording
plays.
RECORDING (V.O.)
Welcome to the Petrified Forest. The
world's largest site of petrified wood.
B&B
Huh huh huh huh wood.
The Mother Superior makes a signal the other nuns were waiting
for. They all rush back to the bus, leaving B&B behind.
RECORDING (V.O.)
You may wonder, how can wood get so hard?
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
Through the window, we see the bus drive away.
ANGLE ON AN OLD RANGER behind a counter, looking at B&B. He sees
their A.T.F. photo nearby and reaches for a phone.
EXT. PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY
MONTAGE SONG ENDS.
B&B step outside. Nearby, a tourist car pulls up.
BEAVIS
Hey, where'd those chicks go?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... I think you scared them off.
BEAVIS
This sucks. What are we doing here?
Weren't we suppost'a go to Washington and
score or something?
From the car, a tourist couple heads into the building.
BUTT-HEAD
(to couple)
Uh, do you know where Washington is?
TOURIST MAN
Yeah, 'bout 2000 miles that way.
He points to the desert, then continues into the building.
BUTT-HEAD
Cool. Huh huh huh.
B&B walk off into the desert.
EXT. PETRIFIED FOREST TOURIST CENTER - LATER
The place is crawling with A.T.F. Flemming walks out with Bork
and the OLD RANGER.
FLEMMING
Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see
their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried
to stop them?
OLD RANGER
The most dangerous guys in America? Not
me, Sonny. I make nine dollars an hour.
FLEMMING
National security is the responsibility of
every American. Bork...
BORK
Cavity search...?
FLEMMING
Deep and hard.
Agents lead the old Ranger away.
FLEMMING (CONT.)
They're not gonna get away this time. I
want roadblocks. Every road outta here for
two hundred miles.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
IN MONTAGE SHOTS:
A.T.F. agents put up roadblocks.
Agents load guns.
Agents pile up sandbags and prepare for battle.
EXT. DESERT - DAY
WIDE SHOT. A wasteland. Scorching desert hear. B&B, small in
frame, look lost. They're parched, weak.
BEAVIS
This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
BUTT-HEAD
This desert is stupid. They need to put a
drinking fountain out here.
BEAVIS
Yeah or like a Seven-Eleven or
something... Are we almost there?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, probably like, another five minutes or
something.
ANGLE FROM OVERHEAD. Lost, alone, B&B wobble like they haven't
long to live. Overhead, vultures circle.
ANGLE ON B&B, exhausted, spent. Staring ahead, Butt-Head suddenly
sees something.
BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
Whoa! Check it out!
Beavis clears his eyes and sees it too.
B&B
Yes! Yes! Huh huh huh.
Excited, saved, they rush weakly forward.
B&B'S P.O.V. REVEALS they rush to: A GIANT BIG SCREEN TV.
BEAVIS
Turn it on! Turn it on!
As they get closer it disappears - just a mirage.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh...
BEAVIS
Dammit!!!! Dammit!!!!
ANGLE ON SUN, brightening. The FRAME WHITES OUT.
EXT. ROADBLOCK - DAY
Cars are backed up into the horizon.
The car up front is waved on. Up next: Tom and Marcy. An agent
steps over and shows the picture of B&B.
TOM
Something wrong, Officer?
AGENT
Sir, we're looking for these two
fugitives.
ANDERSON SQUINTS to see.
HIS P.O.V. REVEALS the photo out of focus.
ANDERSON
Why I'll be danged. It's those boys been
whackin' off in my camper...
AGENT
You saw these two?
ANDERSON
I sure did. They were whackin' off in my
tool shed. Then whackin' off in my camper.
I never seen so much whackin' off.
The agent steps back and shouts into his walkie-talkie:
AGENT
Blue Den this is post nine! I have
positive ID!! (to Tom) Sir, I'm gonna have
to ask you and your wife to step out of
the vehicle.
ANDERSON
Well you see, me and the missus are on our
way to Washington. We got this schedule...
The agent pulls his gun and orders:
AGENT
Now!!!!
EXT. SIDE OF HIGHWAY/JUST OFF ROADBLOCK - DAY
A BIT LATER. Agents swarm over Tom's camper, turning everything
upside, pulling out dishes, trashing everything.
TOM
(furious)
Now wait right there. You're dealing with
a veteran of two foreign wars. They're the
ones been whacking off. If I find anything
broken in there, you and I are gonna
tangle!
An A.T.F. agent smashes the micro on the ground and sifts through
the pieces.
Nearby, Flemming and Hurley watch.
FLEMMING
(appalled)
Masturbating in a man's camper! We're
dealing with two sick individuals. I want
that camper torn apart, full cavity
searches all around.
SNAP! SFX as Agent Hurley puts on her rubber gloves and leads Tom
and Marcy away.
Agent Bork runs up to Flemming.
BORK
Chief - just came in! Two days ago,
Express Airways had a disturbance by
someone calling himself - Cornholio. Guess
who matches the description?
He holds up a police sketch of Cornholio. Flemming walks to a
nearby chopper. SOUND of engine revving. Others follow.
FLEMMING
Finally, a real break. Get me that
flight's point of origin. We're gonna kick
some ass.
EXT. DESERT - DAY
B&B walk along in the scorching heat. Ahead of them they see a
DUMB GUY and a DUMBER GUY with motorcycles parked. They are trying
to start a camp fire, LAUGHING.
DUMB GUY
(to B&B)
Uh, hey. One of you kids got a match?
BUTT-HEAD
(dehydrated)
Uh, my butt and your...uh, butt.
INT. B&B'S HOME - DAY
Peaceful. Empty. Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents break in, guns
ready, searching every corner. They tear it apart.
EXT. B&B'S TOWN/STREETS - DAY
Agents rush down the business streets. People are in a panic. It's
like an invasion.
ANGLE ON ELITE MOTOR LODGE - ON B&B'S TV SET as agents rush by,
knocking it over with a crash.
INT. VAN DRIESSEN'S CLASS - DAY
Guitar in hand, Van Driessen sings:
VAN DRIESSEN
She flies so gracefully,
over rocks, trees and sand. Soaring over
cliffs and gently
floating down to land.
She proudly lifts her voice
to sound her mating call.
And soon her mate responds
by singing... "Caw, Caw, Caw."
Come with me, Lesbian Seagull.
Settle down and rest with me...
Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents crash into the room. The door
bashes in, knocking Van Driessen down hard and crushing his
guitar.
Flemming enters. Behind him, McVicker.
McVICKER
Uh...uh...uh that's him. He's their
teacher.
VAN DRIESSEN
What's going on here?
FLEMMING
I'll ask the questions. Are these your
students?
He shows a picture of B&B.
VAN DRIESSEN
I assume you're a government agent. I
would think you would know there's
something in this country called due
process.
FLEMMING
That's about the kind of talk I'd expect
from the guy who taught these two. Take
this scum away.
VAN DRIESSEN
I believe I'm supposed to be read my
Miranda Rights...
An agent interrupts, punching Van Driessen in the gut. He's taken
away. Flemming turns menacingly to McVicker.
McVICKER
I...I...I always knew they were no good.
I... I... I hate them!
FLEMMING
(to McVicker)
You've been harboring two criminal
masterminds!
Bork rushes up to Flemming with a paper.
BORK
Chief, you know that guy whose camper they
were whacking off in?
FLEMMING
(appalled)
Bork! You are a federal agent. You
represent the United States Government...
Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Try again.
BORK
Oh, ah... You know that guy in whose
camper they... I mean that guy off in
whose camper they were whacking?
FLEMMING
That's better. Yes?
BORK
We've run a sample through the National
Criminal Sperm Bank and come up with two
possible genetic matches for a father.
(holds up photos)
TIGHT ON PHOTO. It's the DUMB GUY and DUMBER GUY from the desert.
BORK (O.S./CONT.)
Former Motley Crue members turned
drifters.
Flemming takes the paper and marches off. Others follow.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DESERT - NIGHT
B&B and the Dumn abd Dumber Guys are sitting around a campfire.
The Dumb Guy looks like an older, more stupid, version of Butt-
Head. The Dumber Guy is a couple of evolutionary scales down from
Beavis. Their relationship is an exaggerated version of B&B's.
Butt-Head is staring at the Dumb Guy in admiration. Beavis, like
the Dumber Guy, appears to be just staring at the fire,
hypnotized. Dumb Guy is eating spaghetti out of a can.
BUTT-HEAD
You were a roadie for Motley Crue?
DUMB GUY
(mouth full)
Yup. Huh huh.
BEAVIS
Fire.
DUMB GUY
Here's another true story. About fifteen
years ago, we stopped in this, uh, toilet,
called Highland...
BUTT-HEAD
Really? That's where we're from.
DUMB GUY
Well, then you know what I'm talking
about. Anyway, here's the story. I
scored with these two chicks. True story.
BUTT-HEAD
You scored with two chicks?!
DUMB GUY
(spaghetti dribbling from mouth)
Yeah, they were sluts. Huh huh huh.
DUMBER GUY
Ih hih hih hih hih hih.
Dumb Guy punches Dumber Guy in the head with a closed fist.
DUMB GUY
Shut up, dumb-ass! You didn't score. I
scored with both of them...
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, do you think these two sluts still
live in Highland? That would be cool.
DUMB GUY
(after taking another big bite)
Hey, you wanna see something really cool?
Huh huh huh.
Dumb Guy gets up, turns his butt towards the fire and starts to
drop his pants.
EXT. DESERT/LONG SHOT - CONTINUOUS
The campfire is in the distance, middle of nowhere. A flatulant
sound is heard. Suddenly, a big beautiful purple and orange
fireball erupts, lighting up the sky.
B&B/DUMB GUY/DUMBER GUY (O.S.)
Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
BEAVIS (O.S.)
Fire.
EXT. DESERT - MORNING
B&B wake up. The Dumb Guy and Dumber Guy are gone. The sun is
scorching.
B&B inch forward - spent, dehydrated, near death.
ANGLE ON GROUND as B&B collapse into frame. Butt-Head looks up at
the sun, squinting.
BUTT-HEAD
(barely alive)
The sun sucks.
A vulture picks at Beavis' shirt. Beavis SMACKS the vulture.
BEAVIS
(to the vulture)
Cut it out butt-hole!
The vulture moves revealing a PEYOTE CACTUS. Beavis looks at it.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
Hey Butt-Head, isn't there supposed to be
like, water in cactuses?
BUTT-HEAD
(semiconscious)
Uh...
Beavis takes a bite of the cactus, chews and then coughs.
BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
(sees something)
Hey Beavis, check it out.
IN FRONT OF B&B: Two vultures start humping.
B&B
(struggling to laugh)
Huh huh huh (cough) huh huh (cough).
EXT. ROADBLOCK - DAY
START ON SUN - over B&B?
REVEAL it's over Muddy who looks at a picture of B&B held by an
A.T.F. agent.
MUDDY
No, I can't say I've seen 'em. I sure hope
it's safe to drive around here.
COP
Don't worry, sir. Just stick to the main
roads. If they're around, they're probably
hiding out in the desert.
MUDDY
That's good to know, Officer.
Muddy takes off with a smile and turns off onto a side road.
EXT. DESERT - LATER
B&B barely crawling forward. Butt-Head stops, then Beavis. They're
barely able to talk.
BEAVIS
Hey Butt-Head, are we gonna die?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, probably, huh huh...Whoa, I think my
life is like, flashing in front of my
eyes!
BUTT-HEAD'S VISION. Through time-lapse dissolves we see him
sitting on his couch with Beavis, laughing like an idiot in the
exact same positions at age 2, 5, 7, 10, 13.
BUTT-HEAD
Whoa, my life is cool!
TIGHT ON BEAVIS:
BEAVIS
Uh... I think I'm seeing something too.
It's like a really long time ago...
BEAVIS' VISION: Beavis as a sperm cell swimming through a uterus.
It's a sperm cell with the face of Beavis on it.
BEAVIS/SPERM
Yeah, heh heh. This is gonna be cool.
Beavis/Sperm swims over to the egg.
With its own tail the Beavis/Sperm starts picking its nose.
BEAVIS/SPERM (CONT.)
Hey, how's it goin'? Heh heh heh.
Several other sperm charge in, knocking Beavis into the egg. His
conception looks like a dumb accident.
BACK ON BEAVIS:
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh I scored.
Animated bubbles appear around Beavis' head.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
Hey Butt-Head, I'm starting to feel weird.
I think I'm freaking out.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh? Huh huh.
BEAVIS
Whoa, this is cool! Heh heh. It's like,
everything looks all weird and...
BEAVIS' P.O.V. OF BUTT-HEAD: His face starts to warp and colors
start shifting.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
...and... Whoa!...and it's like there's
all these weird shapes and it's sort of
like,...it's like...like a MUSIC VIDEO!!!
Tight on Beavis' face staring in wonder.
THIS IS WHERE THE MUSIC VIDEO/HALLUCINATION SEQUENCE BEGINS. It
could even be so shameless as to actually have a chyron in the
lower left hand corner.
I would like to have a band (White Zombie?) do a version of
something like, "Fire," by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. This
is the song that begins, "I am God of Hellfire and I bring you...
fire!"
The concept of this will depend somewhat on which band we get, but
I would like to see it get pretty wild and surreal. (If it's White
Zombie, we could incorporate some of Rob Zombie's artwork.)
BEAVIS' P.O.V.:
We see the sun above the horizon turn into a giant ball of fire.
The ball of fire develops a face and speaks.
FIRE
I am God of Hellfire and I bring
you...(music begins) Fire...
BEAVIS
Whoa!!! This kicks ass!!!
THIS IS THE GREATEST VIDEO BEAVIS HAS EVER SEEN. Out of the ball
of fire steps a beautiful woman in a bikini.
At first the video is mostly the God of Hellfire, chicks in
bikinis and various images of B&B's TV in all its glory.
As the video/hallucination continues, it becomes a psychotic mass
of naked people, fire, TVs, vultures, B&B head-banging, weird
stuff from my high school notebooks, etc.
At one point we see the God of Hellfire in a Burger World uniform.
As the song winds down, we incorporate Muddy's car into the
surreal imagery. (We should also incorporate their TV, as well as
maybe some of the characters from the show that aren't in the
movie.)
Then, we REVEAL Muddy's car actually pulling up to B&B's near-dead
bodies.
The SONG ENDS as Muddy tosses water on B&B. REVEAL they were not
far from the side of a road all along.
B&B
Ahhhhghhhhgh!
B&B snap out of it. They rise and find Muddy hovering over them
with a shotgun.
BEAVIS
Aagh! I'm all wet!...(realizing) Oh, cool.
Heh heh heh. Water.
Muddy aims his shotgun at B&B.
MUDDY
Ah'm gonna enjoy this. Any last words
b'fore ah kill ya?
B&B think.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... Huh huh. I have a couple. Butt
cheeks, huh huh huh.
BEAVIS
Yeah! Boobs. Heh heh. I just wanna say
that again. Boobs. Heh heh.
MUDDY
Ah'm gonna blow you both to hell!
BUTT-HEAD
Cool, huh huh. (realizing) Hey Beavis
that's that dude that's paying us to do
his wife.
BEAVIS
Oh yeah. Can you just take us to
Washington? We're gonna meet her there
and, you know, heh heh hmmm...
MUDDY
Washington! That's where she was gonna
meet up with ya? (realizes) Damn, she's
goin' all the way!
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
Muddy lowers the gun a bit.
MUDDY
You know, I just might need you after all.
Aw right, in the trunk. You're gonna help
me get mah unit back.
Muddy pops it open. B&B climb in. Muddy closes the trunk on them
and walks to the front of the car. HOLD ON THE TRUNK.
BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)
Boy, it sure is hard to score. Huh huh
huh.
Muddy peels out.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
A MONTAGE SONG BEGINS.
Muddy drives by.
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Santa Fe.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Muddy's car drives by. Muddy hears B&B laugh from inside the trunk
and turns up the radio to drown it out.
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Oklahoma City.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GAS STATION - DAY
Muddy pumps gas. From inside the trunk:
BEAVIS (O.C.)
Hey Butt-Head, look. A jack. Heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD (O.C.)
Huh huh. Jack. Huh huh.
INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Little Rock, Nashville
and into Virginia up Rt. 81.
EXT. MUDDY'S CAR DRIVING ON HIGHWAY - DAY
ANGLE OUTSIDE MUDDY'S TRUNK. From within we hear:
BUTT-HEAD (O.C.)
Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm jacking
off!
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
Pumping up the jack, they cause the lid of the trunk to start to
bend.
Suddenly, it pops open. B&B are a sweaty mess. They gasp.
BUTT-HEAD
This sucks. Let's get outta here.
They look out. The road behind them races past at 80 mph. Beavis
stares dumbly.
BEAVIS
Uh, you first.
BUTT-HEAD
C'mon, Beavis, just start running really
fast when you hit the ground. It'll work.
BEAVIS
Okay. I'll go right after you.
Butt-Head shoves Beavis out of the car.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
Ahhhhghghhghghgh!
Beavis tries to run, but hits the road and flips over and over -
and smashes his butt.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
Owwwwww, my butt!!!!!!
His body stops in the middle of the road. A huge truck, about to
hit him, swerves and jackknifes over the side.
Behind the truck, several cars screech to a halt, one smashing
into the other.
ANGLE ON MUDDY'S TRUNK
Butt-Head looks at the road.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh huh huh. That was cool.
ANGLE ON MUDDY'S TIRE. It hits a pothole.
ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, shooting out of the trunk, he grabs onto the
lid. He bounces against the road again and again.
Finally, he loses his grip as the lid to the trunk closes.
ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, rolling along the highway.
A car, about to hit Butt-Head, screeches to a halt. Other cars
behind it smash and pile up.
ANGLE ON ROAD SOME WAYS BACK. On Tom and Marcy in their car.
TOM
Boy, what I wouldn't give for five minutes
alone with them two little bastards...
The car ahead of Tom crashes into the car ahead of that. Tom
crashes into it. And the car behind crashes into Tom.
OVERHEAD ANGLE shows cars and trucks behind, crashing, piling up.
A massive pile-up.
INT. MUDDY'S CAR - DAY
Muddy doesn't notice the mess behind him. He drives on.
MONTAGE SONG ENDS
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
LATER.
ON MEDIVAC helicopters; one landing, another taking off.
MOVE TO WOMAN TV REPORTER, talking to camera:
REPORTER
Authorities are calling this the worst
highway disaster in the nation's
history...
INT. A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DAY
Flemming, Bork, and about six other agents look at a map. Behind
them, a TV is on with the reporter continuing. Behind the
reporter, B&B poke their heads into frame at 45 degree angles,
looking like deer in the headlights.
REPORTER (CONT.)
... Behind me, over 400 vehicles lay
wrecked or stuck. No one knows what caused
it, but police have not ruled out the
possibility of terrorists.
Bork notices B&B on TV and taps Flemming on the shoulder. Flemming
looks.
FLEMMING
Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.
BORK
(despairing)
Where did these guys come from?
Flemming looks at the big map which traces sightings of B&B across
America.
FLEMMING
The question is, where are they going.
He looks again at the TV. On the news, a story about...
REPORTER 2
...set for 5:00 tomorrow when
representatives from around the world will
meet in Washington for the first such
peace conference...
Flemming looks back at the map, and then back at the TV.
FLEMMING
What the hell...? Bork! That bus we picked
up. Where was it headin'?
BORK
(checks papers)
D.C., Chief.
FLEMMING
(realizing)
Jesus jumped-up... Bork, can you imagine
what would happen if they set that thing
off in our nation's capital, or even
worse, if they sold it to some damned
foreigner at that conference. (rises and
puts his fist down) Well, it's not gonna
happen!
EXT. HIGHWAY/CRASH SITE - DAY
B&B walk along looking at the wreckage.
BUTT-HEAD
Whoa, this kicks ass! Huh huh huh.
MARTHA (O.S.)
Yoo-hoo! Travis and Bob Head. Whoo-hoo!
The tour bus stands nearby. Martha calls from the window.
BEAVIS
Hey Butt-Head it's that chick!
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, oh yeah. Cool. They can take us to
Washington and we can finally score.
B&B head into the bus.
BEAVIS
Yeah, heh heh. Umm, isn't Seattle in
Washington? Heh heh... 'cuz I was
thinking maybe we could go see Hole.
BUTT-HEAD
Yeah. We can go see Hole and then we can
get some hole. Huh huh huh huh.
INSERT: MAP. The RED LINE snakes right up to D.C.
INT/EXT. TOUR BUS - DAY
INTERCUT BETWEEN THE BUS AND THE SIGHTS IT PASSES:
ANGLE ON THE LINCOLN MONUMENT.
ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. Several seniors press their faces to see.
ANGLE ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. More seniors rush to the window to see.
ANGLE ON THE CAPITOL BUILDING.
ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. B&B press their bare asses.
EXT. CAPITOL - DAY
The seniors and B&B get off the bus.
As soon as they're out of sight, Dallas drives up and sees the
Tour Bus. She smiles to herself.
INT. CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY
Dark. Isolated.
Dallas pulls up and gets out of her car. Suddenly, a voice:
VOICE/MUDDY
'Spectin' someone?
Dallas wheels around. Muddy's got a gun on her.
MUDDY (CONT.)
Well, well. Look at this. The love of my
life. Where have you been?
Muddy moves towards Dallas. She steps back.
DALLAS
Honey, I was gonna split it with you after
I sold it, right down the middle. I swear.
I just...
MUDDY
Sure you were. But now you don't have to
go through all that bother.
Dallas moves seductively towards Muddy.
DALLAS
Come on Muddy. Whatd'ya say we just
forget about it and go get a room like old
times...
Muddy cocks his gun.
MUDDY
I don't think so. Where is it?
INT. CAPITOL - DAY
B&B walk up to the information booth where a HOST makes an
announcement.
HOST
(announces)
All Senators are requested for a vote. All
Senators are requested for a vote.
A bell accompanies this announcement.
HOST (CONT.)
(to B&B)
Can I help you?
BEAVIS
Yeah, we're looking for Washington.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh. We're gonna meet this chick with
really big hooters.
HOST
Sirs, you are in Washington.
BEAVIS
Well where is she?!
BUTT-HEAD
Could you, like, tell her we're ready to
score?
HOST
No! Just a moment...
She turns to the side to answer the phone.
INT. CAPITOL/PRIVATE PANEL ROOM - DAY
Six Senators sit behind a panel. BOB PACKWOOD testifies across
from them.
SENATOR
Thank you for returning, Senator Packwood,
to help us understand how sexual
harassment happens in this sacred
institution.
Suddenly, SOUND OF BUTT-HEAD over the PA.
BUTT-HEAD (V.O.)
Uh... Attention, attention! We're looking
for that chick with the big boobs.
BEAVIS (V.O.)
Heh heh. We wanna do her now!
HOST (V.O.)
Hey! Gimme tha...
B&B (V.O.)
Huh huh huh huh huh.
ANGLE ON PACKWOOD - smiles.
PACKWOOD
Huh huh huh huh huh.
INT. CAPITOL/SENATE - DAY
Classic wide, overhead shot. SOUND of all Senators.
SENATORS
Huh huh huh huh huh.
INT. CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY
Muddy finishes tying Dallas' hands behind her back. He crosses to
his trunk.
MUDDY
You forgot who yer dealin' with, Honey. Ya
see, I got your mules right here in my
trunk and...
Muddy pops the trunk. It's empty.
MUDDY (CONT.)
Say what?... I'm gonna kill 'em!!!
DALLAS
No honey we're gonna kill 'em.
Dallas, still tied up, starts kissing Muddy. He gives in.
EXT. CAPITOL - DAY
ANGLE ON B&B getting on the bus last.
INT. TOUR BUS - DAY
Butt-Head sits. Beavis pauses, still standing.
BEAVIS
Hey wait a minute. What's going on? Why
are we getting back on the bus?
OLD GUY
It's time to go son.
BEAVIS
We can't leave! We never met that chick!
Dammit!!! We were supposed to get some!
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. Settle down Beavis.
BEAVIS
Oh yeah,...I mean no. NO! I won't settle
down! Not this time!...
Beavis is shaking, fed up. He delivers the speech of his life.
BEAVIS (CONT.)
Dammit, this always happens! I think I'm
gonna score and then I never score! It's
not fair! We've traveled a hundred miles
'cause we thought we were gonna score, but
now it's not gonna happen!
BUS DRIVER
(yelling from his seat)
Hey buddy, sit down! Now!
BEAVIS
SHUT UP! (continuing) I'm sick and tired
of this! We're never gonna score! It's
just not gonna happen! We're just gonna
get old like these people, but they've
probably scored!
BUS DRIVER
(standing)
Hey! I'm warning you! Sit down!
BEAVIS
It's like this chick's a slut (motioning
to Martha)... and look at this guy!...
He's old but he's probably scored a
million times!
OLD GUY
(nods in agreement)
Ohh yeah.
BEAVIS
But not us! We're never gonna score! WE'RE
NEVER GONNA SCORE!!! AAGGHHHH!!!
The bus driver tackles Beavis.
INT. CAPITOL/PARKING GARAGE/MUDDY'S CAR - DAY
In a tight shot, we see Muddy and Dallas humping away in the back
seat (in a PG-13 kind of way).
We hear the sound of a door opening.
ANGLE ON FLEMMING, BORK AND SEVERAL AGENTS LOOKING DOWN.
FLEMMING
Well look what we have here. You two make
me sick... Book 'em Bork.
DALLAS
You don't have anything on us and you know
it.
FLEMMING
Oh I don't huh? How about lewd conduct?
Maybe indecent exposure?...
Here's what's gonna happen. One of you's
gonna make a deal and get me the unit. The
other can spend the next sixty years in
jail.
MUDDY
There you're wrong, boy. Me and mah wife
are back together and you'll never...
DALLAS
He stole the unit. Said he put it in some
kid's pants.
MUDDY
Why you damn little...
He's cuffed and dragged away.
INT. TOUR BUS - DAY
The driver sits down and drives on.
Beavis is slightly beat up. Martha reaches into her purse, filled
with prescription medications.
MARTHA
Now Travis, it doesn't do a body good to
get all worked up. Here. This should help
you relax.
She holds up a box of NoDrowz and squints at the label.
MARTHA
Does that say Xanax?
BEAVIS
Um, um, yeah, probably. Heh heh.
Beavis takes a couple, then starts wolfing down the whole box.
INT. FLEMMING'S CAR - DAY
Flemming's on the radio. Bork checks a tour guide.
FLEMMING
(to radio)
Okay, boys and girls, our suspects are on
a tour bus we believe to be headed for...
(checks papers) the White House! Jumpin'
Jesus! I want everyone there. Our people.
Locals. Orders are shoot to kill. Repeat!
Shoot to kill!
BORK
Chief, I swear, we tore that bus apart.
They couldn't have...
FLEMMING
Bork, when this is all over, remind me to
make you an appointment with Agent Hurley.
EXT. STREETS OF WASHINGTON - DAY
All manner of police, A.T.F., F.B.I. cars speed along.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE/TOURIST PARKING LOT - DAY
B&B and the seniors walk from the bus to the White House. Beavis
is starting to shake as he finishes off the NoDrowz.
NEARBY, Anderson's camper pulls up.
INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
The seniors and B&B are being led on a tour. B&B in back. Beavis
is starting to SHAKE AND MAKE STRANGE NOISES.
As the tour moves on, Beavis stays behind. He goes over to a
coffee-serving cart sitting outside a meeting room. He starts
WOLFING DOWN SUGAR CUBES.
BACK ON THE TOUR:
The tour is led by a smiling guide, SANDY.
SANDY
Welcome to the White House. My name is
Sandy, and I'll be your tour guide. In
case you don't know it, you've come on a
very special day. Today...
She points to the camera crews outside the window.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN - DAY
ON A NEWS REPORTER, facing camera. Behind her, a large gathering
before a stage.
REPORTER
Today, representatives from around the
world are gathered at the White House for
an historic global conference called: Give
Peace A Chance - or G-PAC.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE ENTRANCE - DAY
A.T.F., Police and F.B.I. cars arrive.
INT. WHITE HOUSE TOUR - DAY
The tour stands in the East Room.
SANDY
This is the East Room. Many of the
portraits you see were saved from the fire
set by the British in 1814...
Beavis is shaking, babbling, staring at his fist, etc.
BEAVIS
Heh heh. Fire. Heh heh Aaaaeeehhhhg!!!
BUTT-HEAD
What's your problem Beavis?
SANDY
...The site for the White House was chosen
by President Washington and Pierre
L'Enfant...
Beavis now has his T-shirt pulled over his head and is pacing
around and babbling. He's too loud now for Sandy to ignore.
BEAVIS
L'enfentatta tiitatta for my bunghole!
SANDY
Sir, are you okay?
BEAVIS
Are you threatening me?! I am Cornholio!
SANDY
Sir, maybe you should wait out in the
lobby.
Beavis/Cornholio wanders off, muttering.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
In thees lobby, wheel there be T.P.?
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
ON FLEMMING AND THE HEAD SECRET SERVICE GUY - arguing.
FLEMMING
You don't understand. National security is
at stake here. We must evacuate.
SECRET SERVICE GUY
Not without proper authorization.
INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
A group of foreign dignitaries is being led through the hallway on
a tour. Two of them chat in Spanish.
We see Beavis coming down the hall in the opposite direction.
DIGNITARY #1
El Presidente es un gringo muy gordo, no?
DIGNITARY #2
Si.
They pass Beavis babbling - riffing off their Spanish.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
Gr-r-ringo! Burrito! R-r-anddatattta!!
Beavis turns around and stops.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
I am Cornholio! I need T.P. for my
bunghole! Heh heh heh.
The group continues down the hall, ignoring Beavis.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
(humble)
Would you like to see my bunghole?
Beavis leaves.
INT. WHITE HOUSE/CORRIDOR OF PRESIDENTS - DAY
Tom and Marcy Anderson gaze at a portrait of Eisenhower.
TOM
(sotto)
Where are ya when we need ya Ike... (to
Marcy) I tell ya what, Honey, with all we
been through, it don't change a thing. I
said it before and I'll say it again. This
is the greatest country on earth...
Beavis/Cornholio wanders by behind them. Tom turns to look.
TOM'S BLURRY P.O.V.: We see Beavis/Cornholio wander down the hall
BABBLING.
TOM
(adjusting his glasses)
Say, that looks like... Nah, it couldn't
be.
INT. WHITE HOUSE/ANOTHER PART OF THE HALLWAY - DAY
Beavis comes around a corner and stops at a portrait of Nixon.
ANGLE ON PORTRAIT. Nixon doing classic victory pose - peace signs
with both hands up.
ANGLE ON BEAVIS. His hands also up in the Cornholio pose. He
stares for a beat, then:
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
Are you threatening me?!... I am
Cornholio!
Beavis wanders off.
INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY
The press secretary is giving a conference. The room is packed
with reporters.
PRESS SECRETARY
Yes, the president does plan to speak
today at the G-PAC conference.
REPORTERS
(raising hands)
Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary! What about
the rumors that a biological weapon has
been stolen and smuggled out of the
country at this conference. Mr. Secretary!
SECRETARY
Those rumors are entirely unfounded...
While this goes on: Through a doorway in the back of the room, we
see Beavis wander out of frame and then come back in.
He starts WOLFING DOWN MORE SUGAR CUBES from a coffee serving
cart.
BEAVIS
I am the great Cornholio. I am a gringo...
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
IN MONTAGE SHOTS:
A.T.F. and Secret Service agents argue.
Several S.W.A.T. trucks pull up.
S.W.A.T. team guys jump out of trucks and load guns.
INT. WHITE HOUSE TOUR - DAY
The tour stands in a giant, elegant dining room.
SANDY
This is the State Dining Room where the
most powerful world leaders are
entertained.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, where's the TV? Huh huh huh. Hey
Beavis,... Beavis?
Butt-Head wanders off.
BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
This house sucks.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF OVAL OFFICE - DAY
A Secret Service guard is talking on radio/phone.
GUARD
Evacuation?... Probably just another bomb
threat or something... OK.
The guard walks off down the hallway, leaving his post.
From the other end of the hallway we see Beavis/Cornholio enter,
still babbling.
INT. WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Beavis wanders in and finds no one around. He shouts in
frustration.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
I am the great Cornholio! Heh heh. You
will cooperate with my bunghole!
He picks up the red phone and presses the button again and again.
INT. STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND - DAY
The war room. A LIEUTENANT picks up the red phone.
A TITLE COMES UP: STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND.
LIEUTENANT
Yes, Mr. President.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
(on phone)
I am Meester President! I have no
bunghole! I am Cornholio!
LIEUTENANT
Mr. President, I can't make out what
you're saying.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
(on phone)
Bungholio! Presidente! I need teepee!
A GENERAL comes by.
LIEUTENANT
(to general)
Sir, the President sounds strange.
Something's going on. I don't think it's a
drill.
GENERAL
Washington may be under attack. Go to
Defcon 4.
ANGLE ON LIEUTENANT'S HAND, moving to push a button. Alarms sound.
ANGLE ON BIG MAP. A sign flashes: DEFCON 4. Soldiers run through
frame.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
The seniors, along with other tourists and dignitaries are
escorted out of the building.
INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR - DAY
A.T.F. agents rush by. We HOLD here after they go. Butt-Head walks
by, unaware.
Butt-Head walks around and opens a door. The door to CHELSEA
CLINTON'S room.
Inside, she's folding clothes. (NOTE: If Clinton is not reelected,
the shot will be wider, revealing she's packing a suitcase)
BUTT-HEAD
(excited)
Whoa! Huh huh uh,... (suave) Hey, baby.
Huh huh, I noticed you have braces. So do
I, huh huh.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
We HOLD ON A WIDE SHOT of the back of the White House for a beat.
Then:
We see Butt-Head come CRASHING out of a second-story window -
thrown by Chelsea. He lands deep in the bushes below.
ANGLE ON the bushes.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. That was cool.
We see Butt-Head slowly emerge from the bushes. He looks up,
suddenly seeing:
DOZENS OF A.T.F. AGENTS surround him, rifles trained.
BUTT-HEAD
(awestruck)
This is the coolest thing I have ever
seen.
Flemming steps up.
FLEMMING
Alright, where's the unit?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, in my pants?
Bork and others quickly frisk Butt-head.
BORK
Not on him, Chief.
FLEMMING
Agent Hurley...
Hurley steps forward.
FLEMMING (CONT.)
... I want you to give this scumbag a
cavity search. I'm talking Roto-Rooter.
Don't stop 'till you reach the back of his
teeth.
Butt-Head is led away.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Beavis is on the red phone. He goes through the President's
drawers.
LIEUTENANT
(on phone)
Mr. President, the bombers are scrambled.
Sir, we're awaiting your final orders.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
I order you to surrender your T.P.!
INT. STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND - DAY
The General grabs the phone from the Lieutenant.
GENERAL
Gimme that! (to phone) Mr. President, in
the name of all that is holy, I must have
those launch codes!
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
(on phone)
Are you threatening me? Bungholio!
Click. Beavis hangs up.
INT. WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Beavis walks out of the Oval Office.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
Presidente Bungholio! You will cooperate
with my bunghole!
INT. A.T.F. VAN - DAY
Hurley steps out of a van to speak with Flemming and Bork. She
pulls off a LONG GLOVE that goes almost to her shoulder.
Butt-Head sits, disheveled.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, huh huh, did I just score?
HURLEY
He's clean, chief.
FLEMMING
The other guy must have it. He's gotta be
in here somewhere. (re: Butt-Head) Bring
him.
Flemming, Bork and the other agents take off.
INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
In the main reception area, Beavis is surrounded by a few FOREIGN
DIGNITARIES who try to make sense of what he is saying.
DIGNITARY #1
Que es un "bunghole"? Que lengua es?
Arabigo?
DIGNITARY #2
De donde eres tu?
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
Arabigo? I am the Great Cornholio. I have
no bunghole. Where I come from there is no
T.P.
A White House representative comes up. He assumes Beavis is with
the dignitaries.
REPRESENTATIVE
I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience
gentlemen, but we're going to have
outside for a moment. Follow me please.
He leads them out, including Beavis who continues to babble.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
You can run but you cannot hide from the
Almighty Bunghole! Heh heh hmm.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
Beavis/Cornholio and the dignitaries are escorted out. Beavis,
unnoticed, keeps walking.
Beavis, walking along stops. He sees something.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
Aaaaahh...
ON BEAVIS' P.O.V. across the street, we see what Beavis is looking
at:
ANDERSON'S CAMPER.
ANGLE ON BEAVIS. He takes the picture of Dallas out of his pocket.
TIGHT ON the picture of Dallas.
TIGHT ON Anderson's camper.
TIGHT ON Beavis.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
Aaaahh, heh heh...
Beavis looks alternately at the camper and the picture a couple of
times, and then walks across the street.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
Booiiing! Ptang ptang! Wagh-hah!!!
Beavis goes into Anderson's camper and shuts the door.
A Secret Service agent walks by, just missing Beavis.
INT. WHITE HOUSE/CORRIDOR OF PRESIDENTS - DAY
Tom and Marcy enjoying a moment.
TOM
Boy I tell ya what, it really makes ya
proud. I could stay here all day.
An A.T.F. agent comes up and interrupts Tom.
AGENT
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave...
TOM
Now wait just a minute...
AGENT
Now!
NEARBY, Flemming and Bork are showing the police sketch of
Cornholio to Sandy and questioning her.
Bork sees Anderson walk by from a distance.
BORK
Say chief, isn't that guy whose
camper,...I mean, off in whose...
FLEMMING
(irritated)
Not now Bork.
EXT. ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY
From inside the camper we hear THE STRANGEST CORNHOLIO SOUNDS YET.
ANGLE ON the front of the camper. Tom and Marcy walk up.
TOM
I tell ya what honey, this country's goin'
to Hell in a handbasket.
They get in the front. Tom adjusts the side-view mirror.
TOM (CONT.)
I'm gonna go over right now and talk to my
Congressman about this...
TOM'S P.O.V.: In the side-view mirror we see the camper SHAKING
and hear Beavis/Cornholio.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (O.S.)
Ooooaaaaaghhh!!! Whack-awhack-aaaaghh!!!
TOM
What the hell?...Wait here a minute...
Tom gets out and goes into the camper.
HOLD ON THE CAMPER DOOR.
Tom throws Beavis/Cornholio out the door. Beavis is in his
underwear with his T-shirt still pulled over his head.
TOM (CONT.)
And if I ever catch ya whackin' in here
again I'm gonna hog-tie ya! (to himself)
Now I gotta straighten up in here.
Tom goes back in the camper.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
You have offended my bunghole!
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
Bork reports to Flemming. Butt-Head is held by two agents.
BORK
We just cleared all four floors. No sign
of him.
FLEMMING
Damn! Where the hell is he? We should've
found him by now.
Bork sees something. It's Beavis, about a hundred yards away.
BORK
Chief, look!
FLEMMING
(picks up radio)
Attention all units. We've got him. He's
in front of a camper in the visitor's lot.
EXT. OUTSIDE ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY
Beavis stands, T-shirt still over his head. Suddenly, dozens of
agents surround him, pointing guns at him. Beavis seems oblivious
to the danger.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
I am the great Cornholio! I will lay waste
to your bunghole! Heh heh.
BEHIND THE AGENTS, Flemming approaches and gives orders.
FLEMMING
OK, nobody shoot. He could still have the
unit on him. Keep your distance. We don't
wanna take a chance on hitting it.
BORK
Where are his pants?
FLEMMING
Who knows?
Beavis reaches to scratch his butt. Agents step back, cautious.
Flemming picks up a bullhorn and addresses Beavis.
FLEMMING (CONT.)
This is Agent Flemming, A.T.F.. We won't
hurt you. We just want the unit. Tell us
where the unit is.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
Do you have T.P.? T.P. for my bunghole?
FLEMMING
We'll get you whatever you want. (to
agents) Get that other kid. We might need
him.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
Do you have any oleo? Heh heh.
BORK
(on a radio)
This is Bork. We need some T.P. and
some...(to Flemming) What's he say?
ANGLE BEHIND AGENTS. Butt-Head is brought in by two agents.
BUTT-HEAD
Whoa, this rules! Can I have a gun too?
Huh huh huh.
ON BEAVIS. He continues to babble, making the agents nervous.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
You must bow down to the Almighty
Bunghole. (Beavis) Heh heh, this is cool.
(Cornholio, chanting) Bungholio-o-o-o-o-o!
FLEMMING
(to Bork)
He's jerkin' us off. I think we're gonna
have to take him out. Get ready to fire on
my orders... (on bullhorn) This is your
last chance. Give us the unit now...
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
(Beavis) Why does everyone wanna see my
schlong? (Cornholio, chanting) I am the
one-and-only-almighty-bungholiooo!
FLEMMING
(to agents)
OK boys. Get ready to fire on the count of
three. (on bullhorn) I'm gonna give you
three seconds...
ANGLE ON AGENTS taking aim, cocking their guns.
FLEMMING (CONT.)
(on bullhorn)
One...
ANGLE ON BEAVIS, chanting.
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
Cornholio-o-o-o-o...
ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, huh huh huh.
FLEMMING
(on bullhorn)
...Two...
BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
...o-o-o-eieee-ooooeeeooooo...
FLEMMING
(on bullhorn)
Thrr...
Suddenly Tom Anderson throws open his camper door, holding Beavis'
pants.
TOM
And take yer damn pants with ya...!
(noticing) What in the hell...?
BORK
(pointing)
THE PANTS!!! He's got the unit!
Suddenly all guns are on Anderson.
FLEMMING
(through bullhorn)
Drop the pants! Now!
TOM
Wait a minute. I ain't the one...
IN SLOW MOTION:
A S.W.A.T. TEAM GUY lunges at Tom, grabbing the pants.
Tom pulls away, causing the pants to RIP. THE UNIT GOES FLYING.
A FROZEN MOMENT. SLOW MOTION.
TIGHT ON THE UNIT.
TIGHT ON FACES IN THE CROWD.
TIGHT ON THE UNIT.
TIGHT ON FLEMMING.
TIGHT ON BUTT-HEAD, LAUGHING IN SLOW MOTION - OBLIVIOUS.
TIGHT ON THE UNIT, FALLING, FALLING.
IT HITS BUTT-HEAD'S HEAD, BOUNCES AND FALLS INTO HIS HANDS.
The agents all stare at Butt-Head - quiet, not sure what to do.
Butt-Head hands it to Flemming, nonchalant.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, here ya go. Huh huh huh.
The crowd CHEERS.
ON ANDERSON'S CAMPER.
Tom is handcuffed roughly.
TOM
Now wait just a minute...
An agent comes out of the camper with the picture of Dallas. Bork
grabs it and shows it to Tom.
BORK
How do you explain this?
Flemming approaches Tom.
FLEMMING
Sooo, using two innocent teenagers as
pawns in your sick game, huh?
TOM
I don't know what the hell...
FLEMMING
(disgusted)
Take him away.
Anderson is dragged away past a group of young, boy-scout types
who shake their heads in shame.
ANGLE ON Beavis and Butt-head being interviewed by a reporter.
Beavis is in his underwear. Tom is being dragged away in the
background.
BEAVIS
I always thought there was something wrong
with him. Heh heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD
Yeah, he had a lot of problems. Huh huh
huh.
BEAVIS
Yeah, and um, he used to hit me too.
BUTT-HEAD
(leaning towards camera)
Uh hey, does anyone wanna see my unit?
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
Later. Establish. Most A.T.F. cars are pulling out.
INT. WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY
B&B sit as Flemming paces in front of them. Beavis is no longer
Cornholio.
FLEMMING
I gotta admit, I didn't believe it. I
thought you were scum. But you saved more
lives today than you'll ever know. You led
us to one of the sickest criminals in our
history. This country owes you a debt.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, does that mean, like, we're gonna get
money and stuff?
BEAVIS
Yeah, and chicks! We were supposed to
score.
FLEMMING
For security reasons, your actions will
have to remain top secret. But someone
very special wants to give his thanks.
Flemming motions to the big chair. The PRESIDENT swivels around
and rises to shake hands with B&B.
PRESIDENT
Beavis and Butt-Head. On behalf of all
your fellow Americans, I extend my deepest
thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of
young Americans who will grow into the
leaders of this great country.
BUTT-HEAD
Huh huh huh. He said crap. Huh huh.
BEAVIS
Heh heh. This guy's cool.
PRESIDENT
In recognition for your great service, I'm
appointing you honorary agents in the
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
BUTT-HEAD
Whoa, huh huh!!!
The President hands them citations.
BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
You hear that, Beavis! We're gonna get
alcohol, tobacco and guns!
BEAVIS
Yeah, maybe some chicks too. Heh heh.
B&B leave the office, muttering.
BUTT-HEAD
Cigarettes and beer rule! Huh huh.
BEAVIS
Yeah! We're with the bureau of cigarettes
and chicks! We're gonna score!
B&B
Huh huh huh huh huh.
EXT. AIRPORT NEAR B&B'S HOMETOWN - DAY
A plane lands.
INT. PLANE/DOOR - DAY
As before, the flight crew stares in horror and silence as B&B
deplane.
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... bye-bye.
BEAVIS
Heh heh. Bye bye. Heh heh.
EXT. ELITE MOTEL LODGE BAR - DAY
Walking home, B&B pass the motel. They notice the sign for big
screen TV. They stop and look at it.
BUTT-HEAD
You know what else sucks? We never even
got a TV.
ON BEAVIS, seeing something, amazed, ecstatic.
BEAVIS
Heh mmm, hey mmm Butt-Head! Look!
Heavenly MUSIC. B&B stare at the wonder before them.
ANGLE ON THEIR TV, mangled, partly-crushed junk.
B&B
Yes! Yes! Yes! Huh huh huh.
B&B run up to the set like it was their lost and found dog.
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
B&B walk off into the distance with the TV.
BEAVIS
Hey Butt-Head, do you think we're ever
gonna score?
BUTT-HEAD
Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're
too much of a butt-monkey. Huh huh.
BEAVIS
Shut up, dill-hole.
BUTT-HEAD
Butt-dumpling...
BEAVIS
Turd-burglar...
BUTT-HEAD
Dill-wad...
BEAVIS
Bunghole...
BUTT-HEAD
Butt-snatch...
BEAVIS
Um, uh, butt... um, hole. Butt-hole...
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... dill, um, face...
BEAVIS
Um... ass... head...
BUTT-HEAD
Uh... butt-snatch...
BEAVIS
You already said that, Butt-Head.
BUTT-HEAD
Oh, uh, I mean, uh, ass-goblin...
B&B
Huh huh huh...
B&B head off into the sunset, trading lame insults as we FADE OUT.
END
